Friday, October 31, 2008

My first illness

Last week it started as a cold with the sniffles and now my body has sucked up everything in its path. I feel like a sponge now that the hole is opened. Today I feel ok, 1 week after this all started. Will I be sick more this year since I am 7 month post chemo? Is my body starting over? I tried researching this, but can not find anything. If anyone can answer this, I would appreciate it. It is funny b/c people I work with make fun of me b/c I use alot of hand sanitizer and spray with Lysol and I am the one that ended up so ill. I believe it is because my body has to rebuild my immune system. Another question, do I have to get all my immunizations again? Am I still vaccinated with the MMR and all other fun shots I got when I was little. I was asked this and I honestly can not answer it. MMMMMMMM?

today is my favorite holiday, Halloween, and I love that I am interning b/c I can dress up. I dressed up as one of our too happy collegues and everyone thinks it is hilarious. I have a wig from when I was bald that fits her hair style and she always wears Ohio State gear, so I am wearing Steve's jersey and I am walking up and down the aisle's talking way too loud and clapping b/c that is what this lady does. To top it off, I am at her desk today b/c she took today off. I am sooooooooooo funny. :)

Well I have to go work, actually, silly me!

Monday, September 29, 2008

I'm a working woman, shocking

Never thought this day would come. My internship is half way over and it is closer to the end of my college career until my masters, of course. I have to work 40 hour weeks for 10 weeks and I am almost in week 5. I am still not use to getting up at 5am to drive the 45 minutes by 7am but I know it will take time. I honestly never thought this day would come. When I was diagnosed last year (almost 1 year ago), I felt doomed and now look at me. I have curly hair that I can push back with a head band, I have energy, now if I can only lose weight :). I love this internship at Adult Protective Services and I know that main reason is because I love the people I work with. I love helping people and getting them services they need. And of course there is the frustration when clients refuse services and we can not do anything at all. I am keeping my fingers crossed that they keep me but, unfortunatley, there are layoff's here so that is highly doubtful.

I have made an appointment t0 the gyno that caught my cancer last year to check my remaining ovary. I have had so much pain lately and it is to the point that I can not sleep because of all the what if's that go through my head. I think it is due to my schedule and I am actually active right now and my body is still adjusting, but I am wondering if cysts may be forming because I wake up feeling fine and I am in agony by the end of the work day. I am not a hyprochondriac or anything. :) I am going to have check my CA125 and check my sugars, cholesteral and whatever else to put my mind at ease. Of course I have to wait 2 more weeks, but at least I finally made the appointment.

To everyone that reads this....Have a good week and remember to live life to fullest everyday because you never know what tomorrow brings.....hopefully it is winning the lottery. :)

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

6 month check up

Went to my check up and my markers were still low so that was a relief but the doctor's wording freaked me out. He wants to see me in 2.5 months and then wants to see me a month after that with further testing. I asked what these tumor markers check and he said it only tests the type of cancer i had which is a yolk sac tumor. The tests checks my pregnancy level and he does not check my CA-125 which I do not understand. He said that it is a waste of money to order a battery of tests and he keeps the price low by only ordering what is necessary. I appreciate that if i was paying out of pocket but my insurance covers everything so why not order the CA-125? I have been having pains in my right side which is my one ovary and he told me to monitor it and he will keep close tabs so in case it comes back it will be caught early. I don't understand but he is a well known doctor so I will put my trust in him. I was just hoping to be cleared in some way but now I am more paranoid than ever. I think my sugars are messed up too because of my light headedness and weird feelings if I eat too much carbs or not eating for a long amount of time. I am suppose to give my body a year to recover from chemo. I did start walking a mile a day so I hope that will do something somewhere in my body. :)

For now I am going to live life to the fullest and appreciate everyday I have with my kids. No need to worry about crap that has not happened yet. I am interning at Job and Family Services right now so hopefully this turns into something and I can finally start a new chapter in my life.

Friday, September 5, 2008

It's that time again

September 15th is my second cancer check up appointment and I am nervous, as always. My one ovary has been on overdrive and is constantly aching, I am so tired recently and just feel weird (shaky at times and light headed). I have started my periods again which is exciting and I do look good, but I am still nervous for my results. I just have to stay positive.

I began working, shocking, at a government agency and the woman I am replacing is going into surgery on Monday for possible ovarian cancer. She is getting everything out and was very excited to meet me. Granted I only had parts taken out, I had a similar surgery by which I was cut with a C-section. She is active like myself and wants and thinks she can start biking again 4 days post surgery. I told her good luck with that, but who knows. :)

I am happy right now with life. My youngest, Lyzzi, won Most Outstanding Female for Southeast Ohio and is attending a dinner in her honor on the 25th. We get to dress up and she gets another plaque. I am so proud of her! On the 21st I am going to an Ovarian Cancer awareness walk in Columbus which I am excited about.

I went back to Kansas for a visit with the parents since they would not come here and I am glad I did it. My friend surprised me with Linken Park tickets which was so exciting b/c they are my favorite boys. I stayed for 2 weeks and had to come back home a week early b/c I can not stand watching my parents kill themselves.

Husband is good, still here and is suppose to leave for 8 months again at the end of September if my tests are good to attend Officer Training School for the army and then we will be moved somewhere.

I hope everyone is doing well and I will post how my results are and how my new friend does with her surgery. Think of her this Monday and put in good thoughts!

Saturday, June 28, 2008

3 months

My three month appointment went well. I am clear still with low tumor markers, one was 3 and the other was 5 so I am very grateful. Right now I am looking outside my window to a beautiful cotton candy sunset. A storm just past and I still hear the thunder in the background. I love summer storms, they scare the crap out of me and I think they are fascinating at the same time.

My hubby has been diagnosed with divertilitis or something like that. I have to revamp his diet since he eats crap and that is about it. Tonight I tried to give him some beans but he had peaches and tomato soup instead. My daughter and I had bean dip with melted Rotel cheese dip over it. Sounds funky but it is good.

I am in a good spot in my life right now and I am soaking it up. My kitties are growing and becoming more playful and we now have a stray Husky/Shepard mix that visits daily. It is a pretty dog, solid yellow with Siberian eyes and fur. I worry about her b/c we live off a country highway, but it looks like she has been around.

Fourth of July is coming and I have so many invitations, but I want to just stay home and pause for the weekend. I know I won't though. I have been nonstop since I found out I was in remission. I think I am busier now than before cancer. I hope that is not a bad thing. I just notice now, I follow my feelings and if I don't want to do something, I don't and I won't feel guilty about it.

Hope everyone has a good holiday

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Qualude with a side of psycho

It is 4am and I am having horrible insomnia. It has been about a week now, last week it was b/c of graduation and my grad party I had Saturday, this week is b/c I have a stalker. I can put another thing that sucks if you have to go through it, having to constantly look over your shoulder. My anxiety is so high, that I have constant butterflies in my stomach, I am nauseated and I am having chest pains. Adding no sleep, my 3 month cancer appointment in 2 days should go smoothly.

Saturday the 14th, I graduated with honors from OU, finally. I walked across that stage with a sigh of relief more than sadness. My friends cried that I went to school with, but I think it was b/c they lived on campus for 4 years and OU was their family. I was looking forward to my party back home so I did the stage thing, posed for pictures and left.

Came home around 5pm to a backyard full of people. They were playing cornhole and sitting around talking. My best friend drove down with her friend and my neighbors had come up. I know I am not suppose to drink, but my dr. agreed one night would not do anything, so I drank a couple Bud Lights and relaxed.

My kids were suppose to have friends over, but when the parents, who I also invited, decided against it b/c their was alcohol there, none of them showed up. I understood, but at the same time, I'm in my 30's and being drunk, puking everywhere and acting stupid is kind of past me.

Around 10pm, my daughter's friend's older sister came with her fiance. My party was BYOB and they came to have fun. These two, my friend and husband ended up sitting around the campfire after everyone left and just told stories. Somehow we got on a subject of the dumbest things we did. I mentioned that one time in high school I ran around my house naked on a dare. Well, this girl and fiance stripped down and ran around my house with my husband trailing behind with his shorts off. When they came back down, the girl got back up and got TOTALLY naked and started running but tripped and fell on her face. Her fiance got naked picked her up ran around the house then headed down my hill for privacy. My friend, husband and I began talking of calling it a night when we heard this woman crying. My friend went down to check on her and came back to say that it looked like they were in the act. Out of nowhere, this girl started screaming at her fiance and took off running up the hill. He got up and jumped in his truck, which is when I ran to him and grabbed his keys and told him to chill out. this girl was crying hysterically over something and began babbling about her mom.

This is a grown woman, so I thought, we still lives at home with a curfew of 1am. this girls mom called non stop beginning at 1am. the same time she began flipping out. I am thinking she is scared shitless of her being she is still living at home and has to sneak out to see her fiance.

Knowing that, I as at the truck trying to talk this guy to spend the night in our tent b/c he was mad and had been drinking. He agreed until this girl came running up to the truck asking for a pop. She called her mom, who was coming to pick her up. this mom has a reputation of being a little off, so I of course was like, GREAT! this mom comes marching up my driveway and gets into my face and threatens to punch me. Turns out this girl is 18. Every otherword out of this mom's mouth is the F word. My friend and I stayed calm and told her mom to calm down, which was just fueling the fire. She then began labeling me a bad parent, was going to call the Sheriff's on me for contributing to a minor (which I didn't, remember it was BYOB), call Children's Services, etc. I walked away when I over heard her telling my husband that he should of been killed in Iraq. I quickly went an grabbed Steve and made him walk away and my friend kept telling them to get off the property. Now, I am like, I should of done this, done that, but when you are in your 30's, id'ing people does not come to mind at your house especially when they are bringing thier own crap.

the next day I checked my email and this mom left 4 nice messages for me with more threats and saying that myself and my friend ripped her daughter's clothes off and made her do acts in front of the kids and that I was a nasty person, etc, etc. I printed these off. then came the calls. this woman called me 8 times in a row the next day. I knew not to answer, and I didn't. She then called one last time around 11pm.

Today was gymnastics for the girls. Her daughter joined up last week and the mom has never gone to anything relating to this daughter, but she was there today of course. Knowing this I brought a small tape recorder. Her mom preceded again in front of children to call me a f'n b, that I was nasty and how I ruined her daughter's life. Oh, yeah, I guess this girl is pregnant too. She told my husband to get the hell out of there. We know not to respond and I think that is pissing her off more that she is not getting a reaction, but having her threats on tape, we took the girls out and went to the Sheriff's and filed a statement. It really pissed me off that I had to take my girls out of gymnastics when she was the one with the problem. What is done, is done, let's agree to disagree and move on.

Tonight my girls are having nightmares that someone is attacking me. My husband had a nightmare tonight that is very similar. this woman is driving us crazy and what I don't understand is she lets her daughter drink at the house and this girl goes to the bar to drink. I was analyzing her emails and she turns them around to make her the victim. I believe I am the scapegoat of her misery. Her daughter told us that night that her mom was suicidal. That is a red flag and makes sense as to why she is so nasty. I am not the first person to be in this situation with her and I know I won't be the last. It just sucks. We are thinking of moving. tomorrow we are getting a restraining order which I know will just fuel the fire, but I don't know what else to do. If her anger was just towards me, it would be one thing, but now the family is affected. Any suggestions?

I do really want a boring life. It seems something always has to be happening. But I guess it is suppose to make you stronger, right.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

update May 2008

People have asked why I haven't been blogging and the truth is that I am busy again and have not gotten around to it. today is a cloudy warm day and I decided to send out an update. I still feel that every pain in my lower right side is my one ovary ready to burst and I even went to the doctor last month out of paranoia and it turned out to be nothing. Now I try to ignore the pains and enjoy life.

4 months post last chemo treatment, I still have numb fingertips, swollen toes and indigestion to some foods. I recently went through a stint of not being able to eat anything without pooping, but out of the blue, I can eat again with no problems. I am still tired and I get frustrated that I don't have my strength back at full force yet. I am grateful not being in chemo treatments so I do not complain. I know it takes time, I just wish there was a book out about post treatment so that I know what is normal and what isn't.

My next appointment is June 19th for my scan and June 14th I am graduating from college, Finally. Steve and I are getting along great and actually have been closer than ever before. My girls are doing great. They just got kittens over the weekend and my youngest, Lyzzi, is constantly carrying hers around. They are spoiled kitties!

My prayers go out to all going through cancer. What got me through the toughest days was knowing that tomorrow was a new day. I still live day to day because some days are still low for me, but I am thankful for what I have and the accomplishments I created for myself. For those who have been asking, I am doing great. If anyone knows anything about post treatment, I have a thumbnail that is looking funky and was wondering if anyone else has this. I will write more. I promise.

Thursday, March 27, 2008


Had my scan and it showed I am clear of masses in my belly, chest and pelvis. I do have something weird and unexplainable on my liver, but they are going to watch it. My doctor thinks it is fatty tissue, so I am going to stick to my low-fat, vegetarian lifestyle and abstain from alcohol until I know what it is. I also have what looks to be ONE gallstone in my gallbladder but they are not going to worry about it. I thought gallstones traveled in pairs at least, it must be a lonely stone. I have my next appointment in June.

I am having difficulties going back to my healthy lifestyle. I know it was hard to start with 2 years ago, but I did not think it would be that big of a deal. I do not want another salad and I need them. I ate salads everyday before my cancer and now I don't want one. It is weird. I am finally over my craving of sugar, so that is good and I don't crave pop anymore. Maybe eventually I will crave onions, garlic and peppers again. For now, I do not have any except tuna fish.

Went hiking yesterday with my girls. Thought I would die, but it proved to myself I am still in shape. I hiked for 2 hours up and down steep inclines, stairs, etc and I did it with no problems. It was exciting. Afterward me and the girls went for a bike ride and I was pumped, in pain, but pumped. We played outside last night until Steve came home and then crashed. It was a great day.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Hands held high

Today is the day and all you cancer survivors know what day that is. CT Scan day! I just got done with a final and am sitting in the lounge at my school waiting for a professor thinking of the fun I am going to have in a couple of hours. The nasty taste of the wanna be lemonade, IV's, Iodine that makes you feel you peed yourself. Then the doctor's visit. I am dreading this day and excited about this day. I have been having aches again and a pain in my left side. My weight has been rising even though I have not been eating that much. On a positive note, my bloating in my hands are gone, my eyebrows have grown back in like a week, my hair is on the rise, literally and I can go throught a whole day without a nap. I am still no Mary Poppins, but I am getting there. I guess I don't want to go back, I want to move forward. But I have to go whatever direction I am chosen to do. I hope and pray it is forward.

My grandmother died last week. She was 91 and of everything that she could of died from, it was pneumonia. Her home would not take her to a hospital or treat it b/c she was in the hospice part of it. They only gave her tylonel to control her fever. It pissed me off b/c she was going to be moved OUT of hospice this week b/c of her miraculous recovery. She was knitted bibs for your infant rescue that is run out of thier church. She made front cover of a magazine due to her volunteer experience. I like to think I am following in her footsteps. I am back volunteering for hospice and my animal rescue. Haven't made it to my pottery store yet, but I am thinking about it. I love my grandmother, she and my grandfather who passed away last February, were like my best friends and second parents. I have so many happy memories with them that I will cherish. I am still in shock of her passing, which I know is normal. :) The part that hurt the most through all this was that I couldn't go to her funeral. She died last Thursday and the funeral was on Saturday in Oklahoma (17 hours away driving). I felt hurt, but sent a huge thing of flowers that was way too much, but it made me feel better b/c grandma LOVED flowers. I will never forget her or my grandfather.

Steve starts work again on Monday. He is back being a recruiter for the Army. He has not decided yet to go back into Active army and return to Iraq until after the results. I want him to do what makes him happy and I know staying home is what he wants to do even though he will not come out and say it. We are back bickering over everything and he and I are at each other's throats. I try to blow it off, but it is hard. He tells me I am annoying, but when I tell him to go take a break and spend the weekend with his family and I will take the girls he says no. He was an angel when I was sick and now we are back where we left off. Everyone told me it wouldn't last, if we had problems before the illness, it will still be there, but i did not believe it. I hope he talks to me and if it is bad news today that he does not feel obligated again to drop his life b/c I don't know if I can be a strong fighter again so soon. I will try though if I have to for my girls. I just have to think positive and eat some chocolate chip cookies (could this be why I am gaining weight? :))

Still waiting on my prof. but don't feel like writing so I will just stare at people studying. OH, I am wearing make-up again. Been like 15 years since my last application. I drew my eyebrows on over the weekend and I actually look normal again. Not bad.

write soon

Thursday, February 28, 2008

The waiting game

Ok, I am done driving to Columbus for the time being, but my CAT scan isn't till April? I think that is a little long to wait for a CAT scan. Considering the type of cancer I have can spread like wild fire. Today I did a presentation of my cancer for a Psych class and thinking about it, what if the fetus that was in my ovary carried the tumor and it was not necessarlily me? The tumor was growing off the fetus. Why then did this happen? It is funny because now that I don't go up to Columbus anymore, I have all these pains that freak me out, but i know is nothing. I actually think I am trying to start my period with cramping. :) That would be exciting.

I am sitting in a diner that is in my building and I have my hat off because I am sweating like a pig. It is funny watching the students come in and stare at me until I look at them and then they look away real fast. Others just give me that "I'm sorry" look which makes me want to throw my laptop at them, but I know anger is not the answer. Here's a sexy man, balding, in his 20's and looks like he just down a pint of grease. I can tell by the way he is looking at me he is saying something funny about me that probably isn't but is making him laugh. I may throw my water bottle at him later, we'll see.

Ok, anyways, I am still living a day at a time. Steve is starting back with his old ways of constantly groping me every time he can. I am still scared to have sex. He has been home since January and we had sex once. I was so uncomfortable with it, i did not enjoy it. Now I relate sex with cancer because I got cancer from a baby that was produced by his sperm. Guess it is dumb, but I can't bring myself no matter how much I want to, to have sex. I don't know how to look at it positively.

side note: Grease man had to do another walk through to stare at me. Surprise! he has a mountain dew and candy with him. What a health nut he is. TAKE A FUCKING PICTURE!

Sorry, anyways, I love him and want to share that part with him, but for some reason I think chemo, when I come close to going to him with the magical words, "let's have sex" and I chicken out. I know he has to be going crazy, I would be if I were him. I don't even want him kissing me.

side note: Holy shit! Grease man is now sitting next to me. What the fuck? aRe you going to sketch me for a better at home masterbating angle?

Sorry, again, that was not nice. I will work on letting him kiss me and go from there. I was so use to him not kissing me becasue my counts were always low and he was scared to give me some weird Iraq disease that now it is just weird. It is almost like we have to relearn ourselves and get to know ourselves from the inside out again. He said that when he saw me in the hospital after being gone for 7 months it was strange for him and then have us go through what we have, i know it is going to be wierd.

I will keep you updated on my life, right now, I have to focus on finishing this quarter (2 more weeks) Haven't really gone to class yet. :)

Monday, February 18, 2008

A taste of normal

My youngest, Lyz, is home throwing up AGAIN! I swear I want to put my house in a bubble and let off Lysol bombs to get rid of this bug. It is just circulating no matter how much we clean and disinfect. I hope she gets better tonight and can go out tomorrow for fresh air and SCHOOL. She is already over her limit for her missing the week of school 2 weeks ago for the same thing. I should just open the windows and air out the house even though it is snowing out and below freezing. Stefani woke with this cough from hell, but is still acting normal so I will not pay too much attention yet. I still have the cough that is in my chest, but I think it is just the Bleo eating away my lungs because I can't breathe in anymore without pain and the doc says my labs look good so it is just a cold. THAT IS LASTING FOREVER!

Anyways, today was great. I felt normal again. I drove to school like a normal person, went to class, made up a midterm that I knew nothing about. Do you know what part of the nervous system activates when are stress level becomes too high? If you do know, don't say anything, because I don't and I actually studied. A little. Then I went to hospice to do my community service for a health class and had so much fun. I am comfortable there, I am familar there because I have done it before and I felt like my old self while I was there. They gave me a project to do that was suppose to last my 20 hours, but I did not want to leave so I just did the whole thing today. They were a little shocked, but now they have to find something else for me to do and they don't know when I can come back in. OOPS. When I got home today, I took a nap and now I am making dinner. I have not done that in months. Yesterday I cleaned my house, BY MYSELF and it took only 5 hours. I was so proud. I hope this is a continuous road because I now know how much I loved my old life and I want it back. I will still slow down on the volunteer work, which is hard because I am already wanting to do all this stuff for the cancer society at my school and the county, but I won't for now. I will finish this up with hospice and see where it goes and then move on with the cancer society.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Still here

Well this was an interesting post chemo week. The Friday of my last chemo I had my Pic line removed because they took my blood and my counts were so high that they told me I would not need it anymore. HA! Went in the following Wed. for blood work and I need another blood transfusion and I have to take the white blood count shots AGAIN when I was promised not to have to take them.

Thursday of last week (V-Day and my anniversary) I spent it in the hospital getting a transfusion. On top of this lovely occasion I got a freak stomach virus and began crapping and vomiting out of no where. The pain in my stomach was like an alien trying to rip its way out and no matter how much shit flew out of my ass, the pain would not stop. I flipped over on the floor of the only bathroom in this wing and began hurling. Then the nurse came to ask if I was fine. Yeah, great, don't I look sexy? I was crying and it sucked ass. Lasted an hour, then I was fine. Weird. I got the fusion done and today I finished my shots. So now, I hope I am done till my scan on the 17th of March.

Went and saw the Chipmunks tonight with my girls. Not impressed, but I am not a kid. they said they liked it, but Stef fell asleep, so that should say something right there. In the past month and a half I have been to class 5 times. It is a joke in my eyes of why I am going this quarter. I have a make-up midterm tomorrow and I am here typing this instead of studying because there is no way of me passing when I missed the whole segment. I don't even know what to study. I am just going to skim the chapters. I start my community service tomorrow too at the hospice. I am looking forward to it because it is what I want to be part of anyways. They are putting in charge of a new project they are starting, so that is exciting for them to put that much trust in me, but I have done hospice before that is probably why.

Not much else has changed. I am getting more hair on my head, but losing more eyebrow and eyelash hair. There really isn't any left, but I like to do the combover, its sexy. I saw myself in the mirror today at the movies and I look sick. I never thought of myself as "sick", but I look like crap and there is nothing to do about it, but wait for hair to grow back and my color to come back to my skin. I have fire toes now too. I feel like a superhero because I feel like I can shoot flames from my toes and fingers. I hope it goes away soon since I won't be getting chemo anymore.

must go study, just checking in

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Hangin in there

It is my second day of last chemo and I am sitting in my reserved chair :) waiting to be done. I have drove myself the past two days because of children with the stomach flu at my house. Yes, they are my kids, but I feel bad because I have been quarentined in my bedroom and they want me. Yesterday in my chair I met 4 wonderful women who were here as long as me and they all had great personalities so the time flew by. Two of the women has had recurrent ovarian on 5 times and the other 3 times. they both had everything taken out, but is still coming back. Despite this they both were funny as ever and one of them worked a full time job still. I was impressed and knew I had nothing to complain about. Today I don't have anyone to chat with. There is a woman who looks my age but she is sleeping. She has bone cancer, so if she can sleep, I am not going to bother her.

We just had pet therapy dogs go through. They are so cute! I want to do that on the side for cancer and hospice patients. Funny since I have been here so much, the SW and RN don't
come see me anymore or call. Guess I am cured :). Well I am procrastinating on my homework, but wanted to let people know so far so good for this week. I just hope my kids get better and I don't get it. or Steve.

Friday, February 1, 2008


I just asked my youngest what makes someone pretty. And she replied someone with a flat stomach and wears make-up and does their hair. Well I have to change that. She is only 7, but I don't want her to think that and feel that way. Hell, I'm bald, overweight, never wears make-up and does not own a dress, skirt or any bras. I wear tanks, if you must know. Makes me wonder what she thinks of me. :)

Anyways. Next week is my LAST week of torture!!!!! I hope. I get to have this catheder taken out of my arm and be somewhat normal. My eyebrows and eyelashes fell out yesterday, figures. I was so close to having my eyebrows to the end. I look like total crap. For some reason my eyes are swelling and puffy and constantly leaking. I have dark circles around my eyes too for that added effect of looking like a strung out druggie. My PIC line is infected and has nasties around it. They told me to just watch it. Thanks, I will do that while I am dripping in pain. I can not believe I am almost done and I hope it is for forever. I can not wait to have my hair back, I am tired of wearing hats, they itch. I want my energy back to play with my kids and do my schooling. I have only been once in 3 weeks, that is pathetic. Thankfully, the profs are working with me but I am sucking ass on the tests. I have made promises to myself for a new life that I will write about so that whoever is reading this will make sure I keep to it.

I promise to think of myself more. That sounds weird, but I never think of myself and I always do way more in volunteer work, school and helping neighbors than I can chew which leads to high stress and pissing my family off. I will only do one volunteer project at a time and have weekends off to play with my kids and husband and hang out. I promise to spend more time with the kids. They will be number one in my life, not others. I promise to graduate this year even if I can't finish my gerontology certificate because I need to finish. I promise a family vacation every year that does not involve driving to my parent's house. I want to show my girls the country and brighten thier horizons. Lastly, I promise to be there for my friends more. They have been there for me during this time of shit for me and I owe them whatever I can dish out. Oh wait, Jazz, I want that bike trip to Colorado we planned 11 years ago and never did because you HAD to get knocked up and make me move to Hawaii. :)

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Are you in the Breakfast Club?

This is my all favorite movie and I just watched it. Pretty pathetic that I know all the lines to it. Yes, I am the annoying person that says the lines under my breath the same time the actors say it. I graduated in 1994 and I have to say that I am quite jealous that I did not have a radio station at my school. Adrienne and I watched a 90210 marthon last weekend and they had a radio station too. Yes, I was one of those also that got together with friends every Thursday night and watched 90210. Dillon was quite the player.

Watching The Breakfast Club, I was thinking of my high school and the clicks. I don't think our high school was that clickish. We had our preps (though very few), band geeks, academic geeks, stoners, cowboys, cheerleaders, sluts, etc. I was not classified because I was a loner and friends with everyone. If I had to pick a group, I probably hung around the stoners. Funny though because once you graduate the clicks end until the high school reunion. I did not get to go to my high school reunion, but I heard that it was still clickish.

Looking back, what is the point of clicks? It is like segregation. I remember there was certain halls in the school that certain people "was not allowed" by other students. Sounds so dumb now. I look at my kids and can already see what group they will be classified in. My oldest is going to be a cowgirl and my youngest a princess. I am just being honest. They are both bright, but I think Stefani, my oldest, will let it shine more than Lyzzi. Lyzzi is going to be the social butterfly. I hope they are friends with everyone though and the clicks are not as bad as they were back in the 90's, but I'm sure they are worse.

Saturday school was my passion. I was in it almost every Saturday and it wasn't as fun as in the movie. Why couldn't I of climbed through the ceiling? I know it is just a movie, but it is true. When I watched it in high school it was just comedy but if you really look and analyze the movie (which I can do now since I have nothing better to do) it is a sad reality of how schools are.

Oh well, now you know how I spent my Sunday. I am going to watch 16 Candles next.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

blood transfusion, oh my!

Went to chemo yesterday feeling like crap. this was not normal crap, I knew something was wrong. My legs were shaking, I was seeing an aura in my vision, my heart felt like it was going to jump out of my chest and my blood pressure was high. I walked up to my chemo room and when they took my blood pressure it was 135/? which is high for me and my heart rate was in the 150's. I felt 90 and out of breath. Hell, I went to take a shower yesterday and had to sit to catch my breath in the middle and afterwards I just sat naked on the bed, wet and feeling like I just ran a marathon. I hate the way I felt, it is bad enough that I feel like shit from the chemo and now this. Anyways, the nurse came up and said that I was too pale for her comfort and did not like what she saw or heard so I had to have a blood transfusion. Did they stop chemo for the day??????? Hell, no! God forbid I did not get bleo for day. My counts were not low enough. I still have a whole nother week before I do my week chemo again, what my counts are going to stabilize????? I don't think so! So she was like, Kristine, tomorrow you will get 2 pints of blood and you will feel better and we can continue to give you chemo on schedule. Whatever!

This morning walking into the room to have my transfusion, I felt horrible. My heart was beating so fast, I was out of breath and my anxiety was through the roof. I am not keen of having 2 people's blood, i don't know in me. I was more scared of this then chemo. When he hooked me up and I saw the blood creeping towards my pic line, i blocked my vision and began imagining it as Kool-aid. Had to or I would of ripped it out and huffed my way out. I was there for 7 hours and have to say felt better then when I went in. I got my appetite back, my heart rate is lowered, blood pressure back to normal and I can walk down the hall without taking a break. Did I mention I was 32? Don't feel like it. Now it is the eve of my transfusion and I feel different in a way that I did not realize how bad I was. I am not the color of a white shirt anymore and I can keep my eyes open. Last night I could not keep my eyes open worth anything. Now I can focus on my cold which I get after every chemo treatment. I am beginning to realize that everything I am scared of is happening to me. Like my phobias are being tackled.

Cancer...check Surgery...check Blood Transfusion....check

Why couldn't be Win the Lottery...check Travel the world...check Find a cure....check

Maybe that will be this year :)

another chemo week done

2 days past chemo and guess what I ate? Pizza, chicken wings and breadsticks. Not the smartest thing in the 2world, but boy was it yummy. I have not had chicken wings for over a year. MMMM, why did I wait so long. Yesterday was a yucky day. I was tired, as usual, and my friend and I vegged on the couch watching “America’s Top Model” and ate snacks all day. It was fun. Steve and the girls went out for the weekend so I could relax. I was still nauseated yesterday, but today I have been doing good. (Knock on wood). I slept well last night and woke up actually feeling “normal”, if that could be possible. Adrienne flew home today and the kids and husband are back, so things are going back to normal. I forgot tomorrow is a holiday so me or the kids have school. That is nice so I can have the extra day of rest.
This past week has been surreal for me knowing that I am almost done with treatment. I can not believe there is that light at the end of the tunnel for me already. At the same time, I do have a little guilt of being lucky when I hear of my friend Melinda getting bad news. I could not be told what, but judging from my chemo nurses face, it is not good. It has got me thinking of life in general and who or what moves our pieces. Melinda has a little girl just like me and what makes me different from her? I do believe her spirit will pull her through this next hurdle, but how much can one person take? I know the survivors are inspirations to others, but why did we survive? This experience has changed me emotionally, physically and educationally. Everyone I have met in that chemo room is my family whether they are old, young, black or white and these people I want to stay with. I have never had a “family” before. Meaning, having that true feeling of love and devotion towards each other and when I enter into that chemo room and seeing people’s faces light up because I am there and having people come up to me and tell me how much I have helped them through those hard times, is undescribable. Yes, my treatment is going to be done in 3 weeks, but I am not leaving my family. I have already began looking into a Chemo Nurse, RN program for after I graduate in June and volunteering for the center. I finally feel good about what my decision is for my future. I feel for the past 15 years I have struggled to find my puzzle piece to fit into this game of life and ironically cancer gave me that answer. I will still do my hospice work but I feel nursing is where I need to go. Weird how things evolve from other things.
Speaking of school. I have not been able to find a community service project for my class dealing with the elderly because I HAVE CANCER! I did not realize it was contagious. My instructor, who was as shocked as me, is letting me work for my hospice making phone calls to widowers and stuff envelopes for my credit. I am learning first hand how people view cancer, and I hope the stupidity is just because of the lack of education in this area, but COME ON! Since getting my first C in a while for the final I flunked from last quarter my GPA dropped. L That sucks!
Well I guess I should probably be studying for my exam this week instead of blogging, but this is more exciting.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Another chemo week

I am on day three of my week chemo and I am still having the nausea. they have me on three different nausea meds and I can't believe that I still feel icky. I am sitting in my usual chair procrastinating doing my homework. The IT guy came down and got my wireless working so I doubt I will get to my hw. :) this is more interesting. I only had my rash for one day so far and that was the first day. I found how to rid of the nasty slimy taste in mouth if anyone is interested. Drink a slushy. It has worked for me and hopefully it will work for others. I haven't lost my taste or smell yet and I am wondering if it is my slushy doing it. I may of found a cure. :)

I am trying to get back on my vegetarian diet. Can you believe I haven't lost any weight? I thought that would be a perk of this, but guess not. I have been craving weird things that I haven't eaten in like 2 years like Coke, Taco Bell, meat, processed cakes. I haven't eaten any of that in like a week and have cut myself off of fast food. My sodium and sugars are up which I know is from the chemo but I know my diet is not any better.

School is going. I found out that I have to do community service with the elderly. My doc said to stay out of nursing homes and anywhere with unhealthy people including hospice. I am trying a senior center today to see if they would work with me, but I know one of them will not b/c of my condition. I guess they don't want to take any chances. So that may be interesting.

My doctor's appointment on Monday went well. He wants to do one more cycle after this then do the CAT scans on my and blood work. He was unusually nice to me. MMMMM wonder why? I was hoping this would be my last cycle, but I guess I will suck it up for one more. I just feel I am getting sicker with every session. But I am not complaining to them, Ivy my chemo nurse gets to hear my issues. Lucky her!

My friend Adrienne flies in tonight and is going to be with me the rest of the week into the weekend. this is why I need to do my homework b/c I know I won't do it with her here. So I will stop now and do what I need to do.

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Am I a boy or a girl?

I started back to school on Monday. I am so self-conscious about being bald, it is pathetic. I feel like I have to explain to people why I am bald. Then they are like, "oh". I am extremely jealous of all these girls I see with long hair like I had. I want to pull a Jan Brady and cut their hair off as they bounce it back and forth. I just am shocked at myself that I feel this way.

Today is Wednesday and I was in class while this 75 year old teacher was doing roll call. She came to my name and said "O'Neill, Kristine" I raised my hand. I kid you not! She did a double take and said "Kristine O'Neill?" I said yes this is me. Then she said "Your name is Kristine?" I just about died of embarrassment because I was sitting in the back and the whole class of about 60 20 year olds was staring at me. Then to make my day better, this teacher said she wanted to put us in ALPHABETICAL ORDER in seating arrangements. I did mention this was Ohio University and not elementary school right? So it took an hour to do this and she moved me THREE times because she kept missing people on the roster. Now, instead of sitting safely in the back away from people I'm in the bleeping front row. I emailed this woman during break and told her my situation and she said nothing about doing a volunteer thing and today she said we have to volunteer in a nursing home for 20 hours. How the hell can I do that when my counts are low? That is a death sentence for me. I am going to see if the social worker at the cancer center will make something up for me b/c this teacher is not the brightest card in the stack and talking with her is like talking to a 2 year old. But I need this class to graduate so I will figure something out.

I started my Neuprogen shots tonight and am already feeling the freakin headache coming on. Melinda told me to drink caffine so Steve bought me a Coke. I have not had caffine in months maybe a year b/c I don't drink soda. So I will probably be pooping later. :) I also was craving pizza like crazy for the past week. I was hoping it would pass, but didn't so I ate 4 slices. SHHHH, don't tell anyone. I will be pooping that out later too, but it was sooooooo goooood!!!

I had chemo yesterday, the Bleo shot and my counts were still good. My WBC was 2.5 but my hemoglobin did not budge at all from last week. It is still 9.8 so Ivy said I will probably get another shot next week to bring it up. My eyebrows are finally going and so are my eyelashes. I wake up in the morning with a few in the corner of my eye, which is very comfortable. Not much else going on yet. I have my week chemo next week and my friend from KC, Adrienne is flying in to help which is exciting. My other friend Jasmin sent me a care package which was all too exciting of Special K protein water, Luna bars, awesome thick lotion for my head, vitamins and fun slippers. Thanks Jazz!

If anything exciting happens, I will write later

Sunday, January 6, 2008

happy birthday to me

Yesterday was my birthday, so I am now finally 32. Since my last chemo treatment I have been more sick and tired than before. Nothing sounds good to eat and I feel like I have the flu. Last night I ran a fever of 99.4 which was freaking me out b/c I know if it gets to 100 degrees I have to go the hospital. All day today it has been teetering in the 99's, but I have been keeping tylonel in me and just resting. Tomorrow I start school, I hope, if i am not running a fever. Nausea has been intense this time around too and the pills they gave me don't seem to do anything. I am beginning research on my cancer since it is so rare. I sound dumb I am sure, but I don't think it should of happened. The research I have done so far states that ovarian cancer should not happen if it does not run in the family (it doesn't), if you are vegetarian (I am), if you are on oral contraceptive (have been since I was 12). I am overweight which could of wacked something and the tumor I had thrived on hormones (which is why I think the b/c did it). I am no doctor and I know cancer can hit anyone healthy or not, but my gut tells me it is from on outside factor like my birth control Yaz. I may not find anything, but I love research and I am going to find everything I can about germ cell tumors to better educate myself and others.