Ok, I am done driving to Columbus for the time being, but my CAT scan isn't till April? I think that is a little long to wait for a CAT scan. Considering the type of cancer I have can spread like wild fire. Today I did a presentation of my cancer for a Psych class and thinking about it, what if the fetus that was in my ovary carried the tumor and it was not necessarlily me? The tumor was growing off the fetus. Why then did this happen? It is funny because now that I don't go up to Columbus anymore, I have all these pains that freak me out, but i know is nothing. I actually think I am trying to start my period with cramping. :) That would be exciting.
I am sitting in a diner that is in my building and I have my hat off because I am sweating like a pig. It is funny watching the students come in and stare at me until I look at them and then they look away real fast. Others just give me that "I'm sorry" look which makes me want to throw my laptop at them, but I know anger is not the answer. Here's a sexy man, balding, in his 20's and looks like he just down a pint of grease. I can tell by the way he is looking at me he is saying something funny about me that probably isn't but is making him laugh. I may throw my water bottle at him later, we'll see.
Ok, anyways, I am still living a day at a time. Steve is starting back with his old ways of constantly groping me every time he can. I am still scared to have sex. He has been home since January and we had sex once. I was so uncomfortable with it, i did not enjoy it. Now I relate sex with cancer because I got cancer from a baby that was produced by his sperm. Guess it is dumb, but I can't bring myself no matter how much I want to, to have sex. I don't know how to look at it positively.
side note: Grease man had to do another walk through to stare at me. Surprise! he has a mountain dew and candy with him. What a health nut he is. TAKE A FUCKING PICTURE!
Sorry, anyways, I love him and want to share that part with him, but for some reason I think chemo, when I come close to going to him with the magical words, "let's have sex" and I chicken out. I know he has to be going crazy, I would be if I were him. I don't even want him kissing me.
side note: Holy shit! Grease man is now sitting next to me. What the fuck? aRe you going to sketch me for a better at home masterbating angle?
Sorry, again, that was not nice. I will work on letting him kiss me and go from there. I was so use to him not kissing me becasue my counts were always low and he was scared to give me some weird Iraq disease that now it is just weird. It is almost like we have to relearn ourselves and get to know ourselves from the inside out again. He said that when he saw me in the hospital after being gone for 7 months it was strange for him and then have us go through what we have, i know it is going to be wierd.
I will keep you updated on my life, right now, I have to focus on finishing this quarter (2 more weeks) Haven't really gone to class yet. :)
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2 comments:
Maybe you can get someone to take the kids, and you and Steve can get away even if its just a cheesy overnight hotel stay (or a three hour 'nap' lol!).
It seems that once the drifting apart starts, its harder to get back to normal. It was hard for me, for a while, to look outside of myself and my fear, to reconnect with my husband. I still have to watch out for that in myself.
Or, you could just get really, really drunk ;)
Hey - my hair is growing back in! Soon, I hope to abandon my head covering (stupid hot flashes...) My eyelashes are coming in too, and so are my eyebrows. Unfortunately, all other body hair is coming back too -time to dig out my razor again...
I hope you and your husband are able to find your way back to each other. ;)
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