Hands held high

Today is the day and all you cancer survivors know what day that is. CT Scan day! I just got done with a final and am sitting in the lounge at my school waiting for a professor thinking of the fun I am going to have in a couple of hours. The nasty taste of the wanna be lemonade, IV's, Iodine that makes you feel you peed yourself. Then the doctor's visit. I am dreading this day and excited about this day. I have been having aches again and a pain in my left side. My weight has been rising even though I have not been eating that much. On a positive note, my bloating in my hands are gone, my eyebrows have grown back in like a week, my hair is on the rise, literally and I can go throught a whole day without a nap. I am still no Mary Poppins, but I am getting there. I guess I don't want to go back, I want to move forward. But I have to go whatever direction I am chosen to do. I hope and pray it is forward.

My grandmother died last week. She was 91 and of everything that she could of died from, it was pneumonia. Her home would not take her to a hospital or treat it b/c she was in the hospice part of it. They only gave her tylonel to control her fever. It pissed me off b/c she was going to be moved OUT of hospice this week b/c of her miraculous recovery. She was knitted bibs for your infant rescue that is run out of thier church. She made front cover of a magazine due to her volunteer experience. I like to think I am following in her footsteps. I am back volunteering for hospice and my animal rescue. Haven't made it to my pottery store yet, but I am thinking about it. I love my grandmother, she and my grandfather who passed away last February, were like my best friends and second parents. I have so many happy memories with them that I will cherish. I am still in shock of her passing, which I know is normal. :) The part that hurt the most through all this was that I couldn't go to her funeral. She died last Thursday and the funeral was on Saturday in Oklahoma (17 hours away driving). I felt hurt, but sent a huge thing of flowers that was way too much, but it made me feel better b/c grandma LOVED flowers. I will never forget her or my grandfather.

Steve starts work again on Monday. He is back being a recruiter for the Army. He has not decided yet to go back into Active army and return to Iraq until after the results. I want him to do what makes him happy and I know staying home is what he wants to do even though he will not come out and say it. We are back bickering over everything and he and I are at each other's throats. I try to blow it off, but it is hard. He tells me I am annoying, but when I tell him to go take a break and spend the weekend with his family and I will take the girls he says no. He was an angel when I was sick and now we are back where we left off. Everyone told me it wouldn't last, if we had problems before the illness, it will still be there, but i did not believe it. I hope he talks to me and if it is bad news today that he does not feel obligated again to drop his life b/c I don't know if I can be a strong fighter again so soon. I will try though if I have to for my girls. I just have to think positive and eat some chocolate chip cookies (could this be why I am gaining weight? :))

Still waiting on my prof. but don't feel like writing so I will just stare at people studying. OH, I am wearing make-up again. Been like 15 years since my last application. I drew my eyebrows on over the weekend and I actually look normal again. Not bad.

write soon