tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-43390934238209425572024-03-12T20:17:51.492-07:00Sailing the sea of cheeseDiagnosed November 14, 2007 with a rare germ cell tumor in my left ovary. Chemo started December 3rd and ended February 20th. I was told I was in remission March 20, 2008.koneill1976http://www.blogger.com/profile/10730723330206239120noreply@blogger.comBlogger42125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4339093423820942557.post-46283375464741478662010-10-22T15:21:00.000-07:002010-10-22T15:29:10.420-07:00Lovin' FallIt has been a while sense I blogged so I am giving an update. My TAH was June 14th and I still have pain in the incision area when I exercise, so I of course ceased that. :) I do not feel any different without hormones. I am on Premarian, but it does not make me feel fancy or anything. I am light headed more often now than before surgery and hope that one day I feel "good". The mass that was takin out of me had the same make up of my tumor, but it was not malignant. This freaks me out on so many levels because my cancer was not suppose to come back and it did. I am wondering where it will strike next. I have my check up in a couple weeks with my onocologist since I am back on every 3 months. I have a new job that keeps me busy working as a case manager through a school district, I like it and want to be around to enjoy working for years to come. Sense the surgery I feel depressed more, but am trying to constantly look at the positive. When i tell people my story, I always get the reaction "Why aren't you depressed?" Never thought about it, I have always been thankful to be alive and found being depressed a waste of time, but now with no hormones I am depressed. Crazy! I was kept for a reason, so I hope I am on the right road because I can not take another surgery or chemo again. I just want a normal, boring life! :)koneill1976http://www.blogger.com/profile/10730723330206239120noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4339093423820942557.post-32290937789818673882010-07-02T12:24:00.000-07:002010-07-02T12:32:07.308-07:00Still Recovering (2 weeks post-op from TAH)I am in the latter part of my 2 weeks from my hysterectomy and it stinks. I do not feel any better from before my ovary was out and now I have horrid menopause symptoms to deal with on top of that. I have headaches, dizziness, hot flashes, dry skin, ringing in my ears and massive insomnia. My doctor does not believe in hormone treatment so I am just living one minute at a time. I have been drinking soy and taking flax, but do not know what else to do. My incision is healing nice, but I still have discomfort and swelling in my belly. I found that the mass in my ovary had the same mix as my cancerous ovary, but it was still benign. Thank goodness! I just want to know if my symptoms are going to improve or are they going to get worse? Honestly, if I knew then what I know now, I probably would have tried harder saving that ovary, but I know that I would of had to have this surgery at some point in my life and at least it is behind me.<br /><br />My friends are coming in for the Fourth and we are going to catch up since I am still on orders to not do anything drastic. I am able to hang wih my dogs so that is a positive perk. My next post will be more positive because I hope these symptoms will be in my past. I HOPE!koneill1976http://www.blogger.com/profile/10730723330206239120noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4339093423820942557.post-68689878508566864002010-06-17T09:41:00.000-07:002010-06-17T09:46:37.499-07:00Done with surgery, now it is recoverySurgery went will I guess. My doctor decided against my past c-section scare and cut me up and down my stomach for an added touch. My incisions do not hurt, but the gas is very uncomfortable. I have been walking and it does not seem to do much. Today is 3 days post op and I finally farted. Yes, I had a mini celebration, but I know I still have a long road ahead of me. My staples come out in two weeks. They checked my ovary in the hospital and it was benign but samples were sent out and I won't find that out until tomorrow. My doc is not worried. Hopefully, this will be it and I can live a boring life from now till I am 100. Thank you for all your thoughts and now just think of me pooping and farting to get my intestines back to normal. :)koneill1976http://www.blogger.com/profile/10730723330206239120noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4339093423820942557.post-76808995770484102322010-06-10T16:38:00.000-07:002010-06-10T16:44:40.299-07:00Another surgery approachingI hate being put under, but who does? I have my hysterectomy surgery on Monday the 14th in Columbus which is 2 hours away. Sunday I have to cleanse my bowels. I did not have to do that with my last ovary removal. Sounds fun. I just hope that I will finally feel better getting the other ovary gone and all my other female parts. Supposively my tumor markers were normal, so this should not lead into chemo, but my onocologist is doing the procedure, so that makes me wonder. Currently, I am bloated and in some mild pain due to the enlarged ovary. I had to fill out one of those sheets about allegies and past surgeries, it is intimidating. They have to tell you everything that could go wrong and I hate that, so know I am thinking this is it, my life was short and I have not accomplished much. Hopefully, the man upstairs will keep me around to see my girls grow, get married and hopefully not have to deal with all these female issues I am having. I have looked into nursing and am going to finish my master's in criminology this fall and go into the program from there. With my exprience in cancer, chemo and surgeries, I should do well in that job market. :) I will let everyone know how surgery goes. If it goes like last time, I will be up and walking the halls that evening against doctors orders, I am good at not listening. :)koneill1976http://www.blogger.com/profile/10730723330206239120noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4339093423820942557.post-28970805276835069232010-06-02T09:03:00.000-07:002010-06-02T09:13:42.735-07:00Deja vuHad a mysterious pain in my right ovary and went yesterday to have it checked out. I have a 8cm mass in it and have to have emergency surgery to remove this mass and to have a total hysterectomy. The interesting part to this is my gynocologist and onocologist are arguing over who should do this surgery. While they do this, this mass is continuing to be painful and growing. My onocologist is confident it is not cancerous and wants teh gyno to do the surgery, but my gyno is scared to do the surgery and would feel more confident if my onocologist would do it. On top of this, my onocologist is out of the office for the next couple of weeks due to a death. I just went to the 6 month appointment on May 20th and everything checked out fine. I did have a 5cm solid mass, but my onocologist feels that it is just scare tissue. Can we talk pain? Wow! this is menstral cramps x 100. I was offered pain meds, but I do not even like taking tylonel. Pain makes me feel alive and aware of what is happening to me, so if I don't have to have the meds, I won't take them.<br /><br />Doing this all over again makes me think of death. I know, it is morbid, but you can't turn away from this possibility. I am trying to talk to steve about it, but he keeps telling me not to talk about it. IF something would happen, I do not feel comfortable being cremated and sprinkled in the "family" plot. This sounds stupid, but I want steve to fall in love again and having me in the "plot" seems akward. I know my girls will always be mine and needs a place to visit, but I am stuck on where to be sprinkled. I always get morbid before surgery, but I am not ready to leave this world quite yet. I have to annoy my girls for at least 50 more years...... :)koneill1976http://www.blogger.com/profile/10730723330206239120noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4339093423820942557.post-72474169354832694142010-04-26T16:03:00.000-07:002010-04-26T16:21:07.501-07:00Y do people suck?I have been cancer free about 2 years and have my 6 month check up on May 20th. I work as a home health aide and am almost complete with my master's in criminal justice. Today at work I came in to get a new care plan for a client and my supervisor wanted to speak privately with me. I had a client assigned to me last week and out of 4 visits this person cancelled twice. This woman is in her 50's and has fibromylasia. Today she said she did not want a visit so I left. When my supervisor called her to see what was up she stated that I harped on having cancer and that I did not want to do anything. This client stated that I would not give her a shower! First of all, I do not harp on anything and I do not talk of my past unless it comes up. My agency recently did a full page spread on my life and it is noted that I am a cancer survivor. My supervisor told me that if I told anyone else about my cancer past that I can find a new job. What? Isn't that discrimination? I am not ashamed of my diagnosis and am pretty damn proud that I survived. If someone wants to know my history I am not going to lie about it. Someone in my agency thought my story may bring hope to our clients so why can't I share my story? It is not like I go in and say Ha, Ha, I survived and you are dying of the disease. I am a damn good worker and go over the hill and through the woods for my clients no matter the diagnosis. I feel my supervisor is ashamed of me. As for this client, I was down on my knees and scrubbed her kitchen floor, did two loads of laundry, dusted, disinfected her house, vacuumed and made her bed along with changing her sheets. As for the shower, she did not want me to touch her, so what was I suppose to do. I hate that she threw personal information back in my face b/c the client did not get her way. Shame on my supervisor thinking I would stoop that low as to throw a diagnosis that happened TWO years ago in a clients face and not take care of them. I hate people today and I actually feel ashamed of myself for having cancer. I did not have the choice to not have it, so why should I feel this bad? I am an optimistic, happy person and grow from my adventures and I am not going to stop sharing my story if it will help another in coping with a loved one with a devasting illness.<br /><br />For anyone who may read this and yes it is a rant, but I do have a question. After having such extensive chemotherapy, are long term side effects normal? I still have digestion issues, which my doctor says it may be IBS, I have no short term memory and I have little damage to my left valve of my heart. Can someone share their story with me and tell me if this is from chemo or am I just getting old?koneill1976http://www.blogger.com/profile/10730723330206239120noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4339093423820942557.post-5250799475386654002009-10-20T19:39:00.000-07:002009-10-20T19:49:51.489-07:00joy of anal cleansingWent to the GI doctor Monday and he wanted to do a colonoscopy on Wednesday so today I cleansed. 11am drank this nasty fizzy stuff and have not left the toilet since. Writing this I am going back and forth and it is almost 11pm. After talking to a few healthcare professionals I decided to cancel the appointment around 4pm today b/c I don't feel I have Crohn's disease and that is what he wanted to check. This doctor took no history, no blood and stated that he wants to do the colonoscopy then if it isn't Crohn's he will just give me meds for IBS. the more I thought about it and the fact my visit that probably cost as much as my car payment lasted less than 5 minutes, I decided to scrap it. Of course now I am paying for it since I can't stop going to the bathroom. I 'm sure you're glad I am writing about my bowel movements. Hey, I have one clean colon right now.<br /><br />Swine flu has finally hit my girls schools. Of course they are not getting vaccinated till November so if they get the flu now, will they even need the vaccine? Are you immune to it once you have it? I can't find the seasonal flu shot for me anywhere. I have never had a flu shot before but since I have had chemo in the past, I thought I would do it, but now I can't find it. Figures. I just hope this panic soon fades and we can start living again without fear and face masks. I told my husband, I feel like we live in a sci fi movie, but without all the cool costumes.koneill1976http://www.blogger.com/profile/10730723330206239120noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4339093423820942557.post-76123862123493305822009-10-16T16:13:00.000-07:002009-10-16T16:26:01.894-07:00Another round?Four weeks ago my husband came home from employment which was a happy day. He got out of going to Iraq for now but is set to leave for Afghanistan in April with another unit. Summer was stressful with him gone, the fear that I was going to become sick with cancer again, the kids having depression and just dealing with him over there made days long even if he was just in New Jersey for training. Luckily, he is home, the mission is cancelled and this chapter is behind us for now.<br /><br />The day I picked him up at the airport, I was feeling bloated, gassy and pooping everywhere. I thought it was the flu, though I was not running a fever. The next week, still feeling this way, I went to my doctor and she stated it was IBS and for me to change my diet but she did not refer me to another doctor or do any tests. Week three, I was still bloated, not able to eat and was uncomfortable so I went to my gynocologist. She agreed it sounded like IBS and referred to a GI doctor, which I go to Monday. While I was there, she did an ultrasound, I HAVE ANOTHER MASS ON MY OTHER OVARY. Do I have ovarian cancer again? Why didn't they just take this ovary out when I was under the first time? A few days later, I was up at my onocologist and he is trying to convince me that it isn't cancer and that I should live life like I have never had cancer before. How do you do this? I have a mass and less than 2 years ago I was undergoing chemo, so how can i just blow it off?<br /><br />This week I went in for an ultrasound which shows that I have a mass, I got the blood work done, but have not heard anything. Hopefully this is a good sign. I have to get another ultrasound in 4 weeks to see the growth of the mass. Just like last time. I hope I do not have go through surgery and treatment again, but I do know I want to live, I want to annoy the crap out of my kids for another 100 years at least, so I will fight. A plus is I am losing weight finally, I am sure this probably isn't a good sign, but I have been trying to lose weight for 9 years with no success. Around 10 pounds a week right now. Cancer....the new weight loss program, mmmmm?koneill1976http://www.blogger.com/profile/10730723330206239120noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4339093423820942557.post-39733306643078906032009-05-18T14:27:00.000-07:002009-05-18T14:40:00.346-07:00Has it really been that long since last post?March was my year mark and all scans have come back good. :) I am preparing to do relay for life. Since I am the only parent in my girls school to have had cancer, I guess I am the lead fundraiser in thier eyes. I do not mind, hey I get a free T-shirt. See cancer has perks!<br /><br />I have found out that since chemo I now have a damaged heart valve from the chemo which will not get better, but I have to make sure that it does not get worse. I am suppose to stay away from hard drugs and loose weight. Damn! I am such the addict, j/k. I have the joy of permenate chest pains so hopefully I don't have a heart attack b/c I wouldn't know the difference.<br /><br />I have started substitute teaching which is fun. Not what I thought I would be doing with my degree, since it is in gerontology, but it is a job. I started my master's in gerontology which I am finding to be harder completing working full time. I have full respect for those who do it all, I am still learning.<br /><br />Over the weekend a dear friend of mine passed away from cancer. It has opened my eyes again to do a check over my choices I am making. I am finding that I am starting to put my cancer behind me and falling back into my old routines of doing too much and not taking care of myself. I find myself stressed again and wondering how I am going to get everything done. Hearing my friends death has brought me back to a level that I need to appreciate what I have and not care so much of the little things. It will get done. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but it will. I need to say no and stop trying to please everyone. I need to start putting myself first again so I do not get sick again. My friend was a survivor, she was so funny. No matter how bad my treatments were, I would open a letter from her and crack up. When I went into remission, she continued her battle. With no insurance, doctors tossed her aside but she fought for chemo, radiation and what ever else that could by her time. She was only suppose to live 6 months and it turned into 15 months. I will miss our letters back and forth that we have done until 3 weeks ago, I will miss her sick humor that I related to, but I will keep her bravery with me and her courage. She is a wonderful role model and will be truly missed.<br /><br />Thanks for listeningkoneill1976http://www.blogger.com/profile/10730723330206239120noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4339093423820942557.post-26297581996212192092009-01-17T16:25:00.000-08:002009-01-17T16:34:22.028-08:00It is cold!!!This weekend we are having temps that are like -20 without the windchill. Our backdoor was frozen shut! Our sunroom has no heat going to it and the floors around the walls are ice, it is crazy!!! Tomorrow my husband and friends are actually going hunting, I do not think deer would be dumb enough to be roaming but who knows. I am not a deer.<br /><br />Judging from not writing, I am doing good. My last appointment in December faired well. My doc said my counts are rising, but he did not schedule a scan till March so I am assuming it is nothing to worry about. I feel well and so to me that is all that matters. He said he wants to make sure my cancer isn't spreading. I don't know, it doesn't make since. My afp was 32. He asked if I would mind having another surgery to have a total hysterectomy. My question was why wasn't this done in the first place. He said that b/c my insurance would not pay for removal of good organs. Whatever.<br /><br />I graduated in November and am now pursuing my Master's in Gerontology and Death and Dying. My biggest fear is death, so why not study it. I can not find work in this area, not even retail positions, so I am back volunteering. I am doing an adopt an elderly program and soup kitchen. I am also back at hospice but the social worker there still does not want me to work with clients. I don't know what she is expecting to happen to me. I can not take away the fact that I had cancer. I am doing clerical stuff there. I am also looking into volunteering in the cancer ward at our hospital. I like to kept busy, I guess that is not changing with me but I am more picky about what I do. I want to volunteer in positions that is related to my major and master's.<br /><br />My next appointment is March 6th for a CAT scan. I pray everything is dandy and I can put this behind me for now. <br /><br />Be well and talk soonkoneill1976http://www.blogger.com/profile/10730723330206239120noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4339093423820942557.post-40180811268130754022008-10-31T05:40:00.000-07:002008-10-31T05:50:41.921-07:00My first illnessLast week it started as a cold with the sniffles and now my body has sucked up everything in its path. I feel like a sponge now that the hole is opened. Today I feel ok, 1 week after this all started. Will I be sick more this year since I am 7 month post chemo? Is my body starting over? I tried researching this, but can not find anything. If anyone can answer this, I would appreciate it. It is funny b/c people I work with make fun of me b/c I use alot of hand sanitizer and spray with Lysol and I am the one that ended up so ill. I believe it is because my body has to rebuild my immune system. Another question, do I have to get all my immunizations again? Am I still vaccinated with the MMR and all other fun shots I got when I was little. I was asked this and I honestly can not answer it. MMMMMMMM?<br /><br />today is my favorite holiday, Halloween, and I love that I am interning b/c I can dress up. I dressed up as one of our too happy collegues and everyone thinks it is hilarious. I have a wig from when I was bald that fits her hair style and she always wears Ohio State gear, so I am wearing Steve's jersey and I am walking up and down the aisle's talking way too loud and clapping b/c that is what this lady does. To top it off, I am at her desk today b/c she took today off. I am sooooooooooo funny. :)<br /><br />Well I have to go work, actually, silly me!koneill1976http://www.blogger.com/profile/10730723330206239120noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4339093423820942557.post-79935988119816266452008-09-29T05:26:00.000-07:002008-09-29T05:36:15.858-07:00I'm a working woman, shockingNever thought this day would come. My internship is half way over and it is closer to the end of my college career until my masters, of course. I have to work 40 hour weeks for 10 weeks and I am almost in week 5. I am still not use to getting up at 5am to drive the 45 minutes by 7am but I know it will take time. I honestly never thought this day would come. When I was diagnosed last year (almost 1 year ago), I felt doomed and now look at me. I have curly hair that I can push back with a head band, I have energy, now if I can only lose weight :). I love this internship at Adult Protective Services and I know that main reason is because I love the people I work with. I love helping people and getting them services they need. And of course there is the frustration when clients refuse services and we can not do anything at all. I am keeping my fingers crossed that they keep me but, unfortunatley, there are layoff's here so that is highly doubtful.<br /><br />I have made an appointment t0 the gyno that caught my cancer last year to check my remaining ovary. I have had so much pain lately and it is to the point that I can not sleep because of all the what if's that go through my head. I think it is due to my schedule and I am actually active right now and my body is still adjusting, but I am wondering if cysts may be forming because I wake up feeling fine and I am in agony by the end of the work day. I am not a hyprochondriac or anything. :) I am going to have check my CA125 and check my sugars, cholesteral and whatever else to put my mind at ease. Of course I have to wait 2 more weeks, but at least I finally made the appointment.<br /><br />To everyone that reads this....Have a good week and remember to live life to fullest everyday because you never know what tomorrow brings.....hopefully it is winning the lottery. :)koneill1976http://www.blogger.com/profile/10730723330206239120noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4339093423820942557.post-62342695339789265002008-09-17T11:26:00.000-07:002008-09-17T11:38:01.328-07:006 month check upWent to my check up and my markers were still low so that was a relief but the doctor's wording freaked me out. He wants to see me in 2.5 months and then wants to see me a month after that with further testing. I asked what these tumor markers check and he said it only tests the type of cancer i had which is a yolk sac tumor. The tests checks my pregnancy level and he does not check my CA-125 which I do not understand. He said that it is a waste of money to order a battery of tests and he keeps the price low by only ordering what is necessary. I appreciate that if i was paying out of pocket but my insurance covers everything so why not order the CA-125? I have been having pains in my right side which is my one ovary and he told me to monitor it and he will keep close tabs so in case it comes back it will be caught early. I don't understand but he is a well known doctor so I will put my trust in him. I was just hoping to be cleared in some way but now I am more paranoid than ever. I think my sugars are messed up too because of my light headedness and weird feelings if I eat too much carbs or not eating for a long amount of time. I am suppose to give my body a year to recover from chemo. I did start walking a mile a day so I hope that will do something somewhere in my body. :)<br /><br />For now I am going to live life to the fullest and appreciate everyday I have with my kids. No need to worry about crap that has not happened yet. I am interning at Job and Family Services right now so hopefully this turns into something and I can finally start a new chapter in my life.koneill1976http://www.blogger.com/profile/10730723330206239120noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4339093423820942557.post-357145074457713052008-09-05T15:38:00.000-07:002008-09-05T15:47:51.154-07:00It's that time againSeptember 15th is my second cancer check up appointment and I am nervous, as always. My one ovary has been on overdrive and is constantly aching, I am so tired recently and just feel weird (shaky at times and light headed). I have started my periods again which is exciting and I do look good, but I am still nervous for my results. I just have to stay positive.<br /><br />I began working, shocking, at a government agency and the woman I am replacing is going into surgery on Monday for possible ovarian cancer. She is getting everything out and was very excited to meet me. Granted I only had parts taken out, I had a similar surgery by which I was cut with a C-section. She is active like myself and wants and thinks she can start biking again 4 days post surgery. I told her good luck with that, but who knows. :)<br /><br />I am happy right now with life. My youngest, Lyzzi, won Most Outstanding Female for Southeast Ohio and is attending a dinner in her honor on the 25th. We get to dress up and she gets another plaque. I am so proud of her! On the 21st I am going to an Ovarian Cancer awareness walk in Columbus which I am excited about.<br /><br />I went back to Kansas for a visit with the parents since they would not come here and I am glad I did it. My friend surprised me with Linken Park tickets which was so exciting b/c they are my favorite boys. I stayed for 2 weeks and had to come back home a week early b/c I can not stand watching my parents kill themselves.<br /><br />Husband is good, still here and is suppose to leave for 8 months again at the end of September if my tests are good to attend Officer Training School for the army and then we will be moved somewhere.<br /><br />I hope everyone is doing well and I will post how my results are and how my new friend does with her surgery. Think of her this Monday and put in good thoughts!koneill1976http://www.blogger.com/profile/10730723330206239120noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4339093423820942557.post-5823076416231725772008-06-28T18:07:00.000-07:002008-06-28T18:16:32.664-07:003 monthsMy three month appointment went well. I am clear still with low tumor markers, one was 3 and the other was 5 so I am very grateful. Right now I am looking outside my window to a beautiful cotton candy sunset. A storm just past and I still hear the thunder in the background. I love summer storms, they scare the crap out of me and I think they are fascinating at the same time.<br /><br />My hubby has been diagnosed with divertilitis or something like that. I have to revamp his diet since he eats crap and that is about it. Tonight I tried to give him some beans but he had peaches and tomato soup instead. My daughter and I had bean dip with melted Rotel cheese dip over it. Sounds funky but it is good.<br /><br />I am in a good spot in my life right now and I am soaking it up. My kitties are growing and becoming more playful and we now have a stray Husky/Shepard mix that visits daily. It is a pretty dog, solid yellow with Siberian eyes and fur. I worry about her b/c we live off a country highway, but it looks like she has been around.<br /><br />Fourth of July is coming and I have so many invitations, but I want to just stay home and pause for the weekend. I know I won't though. I have been nonstop since I found out I was in remission. I think I am busier now than before cancer. I hope that is not a bad thing. I just notice now, I follow my feelings and if I don't want to do something, I don't and I won't feel guilty about it.<br /><br />Hope everyone has a good holidaykoneill1976http://www.blogger.com/profile/10730723330206239120noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4339093423820942557.post-60353089545003888842008-06-17T01:08:00.000-07:002008-06-17T01:54:54.405-07:00Qualude with a side of psychoIt is 4am and I am having horrible insomnia. It has been about a week now, last week it was b/c of graduation and my grad party I had Saturday, this week is b/c I have a stalker. I can put another thing that sucks if you have to go through it, having to constantly look over your shoulder. My anxiety is so high, that I have constant butterflies in my stomach, I am nauseated and I am having chest pains. Adding no sleep, my 3 month cancer appointment in 2 days should go smoothly.<br /><br />Saturday the 14th, I graduated with honors from OU, finally. I walked across that stage with a sigh of relief more than sadness. My friends cried that I went to school with, but I think it was b/c they lived on campus for 4 years and OU was their family. I was looking forward to my party back home so I did the stage thing, posed for pictures and left.<br /><br />Came home around 5pm to a backyard full of people. They were playing cornhole and sitting around talking. My best friend drove down with her friend and my neighbors had come up. I know I am not suppose to drink, but my dr. agreed one night would not do anything, so I drank a couple Bud Lights and relaxed.<br /><br />My kids were suppose to have friends over, but when the parents, who I also invited, decided against it b/c their was alcohol there, none of them showed up. I understood, but at the same time, I'm in my 30's and being drunk, puking everywhere and acting stupid is kind of past me.<br /><br />Around 10pm, my daughter's friend's older sister came with her fiance. My party was BYOB and they came to have fun. These two, my friend and husband ended up sitting around the campfire after everyone left and just told stories. Somehow we got on a subject of the dumbest things we did. I mentioned that one time in high school I ran around my house naked on a dare. Well, this girl and fiance stripped down and ran around my house with my husband trailing behind with his shorts off. When they came back down, the girl got back up and got TOTALLY naked and started running but tripped and fell on her face. Her fiance got naked picked her up ran around the house then headed down my hill for privacy. My friend, husband and I began talking of calling it a night when we heard this woman crying. My friend went down to check on her and came back to say that it looked like they were in the act. Out of nowhere, this girl started screaming at her fiance and took off running up the hill. He got up and jumped in his truck, which is when I ran to him and grabbed his keys and told him to chill out. this girl was crying hysterically over something and began babbling about her mom.<br /><br />This is a grown woman, so I thought, we still lives at home with a curfew of 1am. this girls mom called non stop beginning at 1am. the same time she began flipping out. I am thinking she is scared shitless of her being she is still living at home and has to sneak out to see her fiance. <br /><br />Knowing that, I as at the truck trying to talk this guy to spend the night in our tent b/c he was mad and had been drinking. He agreed until this girl came running up to the truck asking for a pop. She called her mom, who was coming to pick her up. this mom has a reputation of being a little off, so I of course was like, GREAT! this mom comes marching up my driveway and gets into my face and threatens to punch me. Turns out this girl is 18. Every otherword out of this mom's mouth is the F word. My friend and I stayed calm and told her mom to calm down, which was just fueling the fire. She then began labeling me a bad parent, was going to call the Sheriff's on me for contributing to a minor (which I didn't, remember it was BYOB), call Children's Services, etc. I walked away when I over heard her telling my husband that he should of been killed in Iraq. I quickly went an grabbed Steve and made him walk away and my friend kept telling them to get off the property. Now, I am like, I should of done this, done that, but when you are in your 30's, id'ing people does not come to mind at your house especially when they are bringing thier own crap.<br /><br />the next day I checked my email and this mom left 4 nice messages for me with more threats and saying that myself and my friend ripped her daughter's clothes off and made her do acts in front of the kids and that I was a nasty person, etc, etc. I printed these off. then came the calls. this woman called me 8 times in a row the next day. I knew not to answer, and I didn't. She then called one last time around 11pm.<br /><br />Today was gymnastics for the girls. Her daughter joined up last week and the mom has never gone to anything relating to this daughter, but she was there today of course. Knowing this I brought a small tape recorder. Her mom preceded again in front of children to call me a f'n b, that I was nasty and how I ruined her daughter's life. Oh, yeah, I guess this girl is pregnant too. She told my husband to get the hell out of there. We know not to respond and I think that is pissing her off more that she is not getting a reaction, but having her threats on tape, we took the girls out and went to the Sheriff's and filed a statement. It really pissed me off that I had to take my girls out of gymnastics when she was the one with the problem. What is done, is done, let's agree to disagree and move on.<br /><br />Tonight my girls are having nightmares that someone is attacking me. My husband had a nightmare tonight that is very similar. this woman is driving us crazy and what I don't understand is she lets her daughter drink at the house and this girl goes to the bar to drink. I was analyzing her emails and she turns them around to make her the victim. I believe I am the scapegoat of her misery. Her daughter told us that night that her mom was suicidal. That is a red flag and makes sense as to why she is so nasty. I am not the first person to be in this situation with her and I know I won't be the last. It just sucks. We are thinking of moving. tomorrow we are getting a restraining order which I know will just fuel the fire, but I don't know what else to do. If her anger was just towards me, it would be one thing, but now the family is affected. Any suggestions?<br /><br />I do really want a boring life. It seems something always has to be happening. But I guess it is suppose to make you stronger, right.koneill1976http://www.blogger.com/profile/10730723330206239120noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4339093423820942557.post-27925678731587560982008-05-27T07:15:00.000-07:002008-05-27T07:29:09.465-07:00update May 2008People have asked why I haven't been blogging and the truth is that I am busy again and have not gotten around to it. today is a cloudy warm day and I decided to send out an update. I still feel that every pain in my lower right side is my one ovary ready to burst and I even went to the doctor last month out of paranoia and it turned out to be nothing. Now I try to ignore the pains and enjoy life.<br /><br />4 months post last chemo treatment, I still have numb fingertips, swollen toes and indigestion to some foods. I recently went through a stint of not being able to eat anything without pooping, but out of the blue, I can eat again with no problems. I am still tired and I get frustrated that I don't have my strength back at full force yet. I am grateful not being in chemo treatments so I do not complain. I know it takes time, I just wish there was a book out about post treatment so that I know what is normal and what isn't.<br /><br />My next appointment is June 19th for my scan and June 14th I am graduating from college, Finally. Steve and I are getting along great and actually have been closer than ever before. My girls are doing great. They just got kittens over the weekend and my youngest, Lyzzi, is constantly carrying hers around. They are spoiled kitties!<br /><br />My prayers go out to all going through cancer. What got me through the toughest days was knowing that tomorrow was a new day. I still live day to day because some days are still low for me, but I am thankful for what I have and the accomplishments I created for myself. For those who have been asking, I am doing great. If anyone knows anything about post treatment, I have a thumbnail that is looking funky and was wondering if anyone else has this. I will write more. I promise.koneill1976http://www.blogger.com/profile/10730723330206239120noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4339093423820942557.post-71029211066422134252008-03-27T06:48:00.000-07:002008-03-27T06:58:41.328-07:00ThankfulHad my scan and it showed I am clear of masses in my belly, chest and pelvis. I do have something weird and unexplainable on my liver, but they are going to watch it. My doctor thinks it is fatty tissue, so I am going to stick to my low-fat, vegetarian lifestyle and abstain from alcohol until I know what it is. I also have what looks to be ONE gallstone in my gallbladder but they are not going to worry about it. I thought gallstones traveled in pairs at least, it must be a lonely stone. I have my next appointment in June. <br /><br />I am having difficulties going back to my healthy lifestyle. I know it was hard to start with 2 years ago, but I did not think it would be that big of a deal. I do not want another salad and I need them. I ate salads everyday before my cancer and now I don't want one. It is weird. I am finally over my craving of sugar, so that is good and I don't crave pop anymore. Maybe eventually I will crave onions, garlic and peppers again. For now, I do not have any except tuna fish.<br /><br />Went hiking yesterday with my girls. Thought I would die, but it proved to myself I am still in shape. I hiked for 2 hours up and down steep inclines, stairs, etc and I did it with no problems. It was exciting. Afterward me and the girls went for a bike ride and I was pumped, in pain, but pumped. We played outside last night until Steve came home and then crashed. It was a great day.koneill1976http://www.blogger.com/profile/10730723330206239120noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4339093423820942557.post-40376254776756735652008-03-20T05:34:00.000-07:002008-03-20T05:51:38.907-07:00Hands held highToday is the day and all you cancer survivors know what day that is. CT Scan day! I just got done with a final and am sitting in the lounge at my school waiting for a professor thinking of the fun I am going to have in a couple of hours. The nasty taste of the wanna be lemonade, IV's, Iodine that makes you feel you peed yourself. Then the doctor's visit. I am dreading this day and excited about this day. I have been having aches again and a pain in my left side. My weight has been rising even though I have not been eating that much. On a positive note, my bloating in my hands are gone, my eyebrows have grown back in like a week, my hair is on the rise, literally and I can go throught a whole day without a nap. I am still no Mary Poppins, but I am getting there. I guess I don't want to go back, I want to move forward. But I have to go whatever direction I am chosen to do. I hope and pray it is forward.<br /><br />My grandmother died last week. She was 91 and of everything that she could of died from, it was pneumonia. Her home would not take her to a hospital or treat it b/c she was in the hospice part of it. They only gave her tylonel to control her fever. It pissed me off b/c she was going to be moved OUT of hospice this week b/c of her miraculous recovery. She was knitted bibs for your infant rescue that is run out of thier church. She made front cover of a magazine due to her volunteer experience. I like to think I am following in her footsteps. I am back volunteering for hospice and my animal rescue. Haven't made it to my pottery store yet, but I am thinking about it. I love my grandmother, she and my grandfather who passed away last February, were like my best friends and second parents. I have so many happy memories with them that I will cherish. I am still in shock of her passing, which I know is normal. :) The part that hurt the most through all this was that I couldn't go to her funeral. She died last Thursday and the funeral was on Saturday in Oklahoma (17 hours away driving). I felt hurt, but sent a huge thing of flowers that was way too much, but it made me feel better b/c grandma LOVED flowers. I will never forget her or my grandfather.<br /><br />Steve starts work again on Monday. He is back being a recruiter for the Army. He has not decided yet to go back into Active army and return to Iraq until after the results. I want him to do what makes him happy and I know staying home is what he wants to do even though he will not come out and say it. We are back bickering over everything and he and I are at each other's throats. I try to blow it off, but it is hard. He tells me I am annoying, but when I tell him to go take a break and spend the weekend with his family and I will take the girls he says no. He was an angel when I was sick and now we are back where we left off. Everyone told me it wouldn't last, if we had problems before the illness, it will still be there, but i did not believe it. I hope he talks to me and if it is bad news today that he does not feel obligated again to drop his life b/c I don't know if I can be a strong fighter again so soon. I will try though if I have to for my girls. I just have to think positive and eat some chocolate chip cookies (could this be why I am gaining weight? :))<br /><br />Still waiting on my prof. but don't feel like writing so I will just stare at people studying. OH, I am wearing make-up again. Been like 15 years since my last application. I drew my eyebrows on over the weekend and I actually look normal again. Not bad. <br /><br />write soonkoneill1976http://www.blogger.com/profile/10730723330206239120noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4339093423820942557.post-66207704365795532612008-02-28T08:10:00.000-08:002008-02-28T08:27:33.270-08:00The waiting gameOk, I am done driving to Columbus for the time being, but my CAT scan isn't till April? I think that is a little long to wait for a CAT scan. Considering the type of cancer I have can spread like wild fire. Today I did a presentation of my cancer for a Psych class and thinking about it, what if the fetus that was in my ovary carried the tumor and it was not necessarlily me? The tumor was growing off the fetus. Why then did this happen? It is funny because now that I don't go up to Columbus anymore, I have all these pains that freak me out, but i know is nothing. I actually think I am trying to start my period with cramping. :) That would be exciting. <br /><br />I am sitting in a diner that is in my building and I have my hat off because I am sweating like a pig. It is funny watching the students come in and stare at me until I look at them and then they look away real fast. Others just give me that "I'm sorry" look which makes me want to throw my laptop at them, but I know anger is not the answer. Here's a sexy man, balding, in his 20's and looks like he just down a pint of grease. I can tell by the way he is looking at me he is saying something funny about me that probably isn't but is making him laugh. I may throw my water bottle at him later, we'll see.<br /><br />Ok, anyways, I am still living a day at a time. Steve is starting back with his old ways of constantly groping me every time he can. I am still scared to have sex. He has been home since January and we had sex once. I was so uncomfortable with it, i did not enjoy it. Now I relate sex with cancer because I got cancer from a baby that was produced by his sperm. Guess it is dumb, but I can't bring myself no matter how much I want to, to have sex. I don't know how to look at it positively. <br /><br />side note: Grease man had to do another walk through to stare at me. Surprise! he has a mountain dew and candy with him. What a health nut he is. TAKE A FUCKING PICTURE!<br /><br />Sorry, anyways, I love him and want to share that part with him, but for some reason I think chemo, when I come close to going to him with the magical words, "let's have sex" and I chicken out. I know he has to be going crazy, I would be if I were him. I don't even want him kissing me.<br /><br />side note: Holy shit! Grease man is now sitting next to me. What the fuck? aRe you going to sketch me for a better at home masterbating angle?<br /><br />Sorry, again, that was not nice. I will work on letting him kiss me and go from there. I was so use to him not kissing me becasue my counts were always low and he was scared to give me some weird Iraq disease that now it is just weird. It is almost like we have to relearn ourselves and get to know ourselves from the inside out again. He said that when he saw me in the hospital after being gone for 7 months it was strange for him and then have us go through what we have, i know it is going to be wierd.<br /><br />I will keep you updated on my life, right now, I have to focus on finishing this quarter (2 more weeks) Haven't really gone to class yet. :)koneill1976http://www.blogger.com/profile/10730723330206239120noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4339093423820942557.post-71166475095135826622008-02-18T15:17:00.000-08:002008-02-18T15:28:52.803-08:00A taste of normalMy youngest, Lyz, is home throwing up AGAIN! I swear I want to put my house in a bubble and let off Lysol bombs to get rid of this bug. It is just circulating no matter how much we clean and disinfect. I hope she gets better tonight and can go out tomorrow for fresh air and SCHOOL. She is already over her limit for her missing the week of school 2 weeks ago for the same thing. I should just open the windows and air out the house even though it is snowing out and below freezing. Stefani woke with this cough from hell, but is still acting normal so I will not pay too much attention yet. I still have the cough that is in my chest, but I think it is just the Bleo eating away my lungs because I can't breathe in anymore without pain and the doc says my labs look good so it is just a cold. THAT IS LASTING FOREVER!<br /><br />Anyways, today was great. I felt normal again. I drove to school like a normal person, went to class, made up a midterm that I knew nothing about. Do you know what part of the nervous system activates when are stress level becomes too high? If you do know, don't say anything, because I don't and I actually studied. A little. Then I went to hospice to do my community service for a health class and had so much fun. I am comfortable there, I am familar there because I have done it before and I felt like my old self while I was there. They gave me a project to do that was suppose to last my 20 hours, but I did not want to leave so I just did the whole thing today. They were a little shocked, but now they have to find something else for me to do and they don't know when I can come back in. OOPS. When I got home today, I took a nap and now I am making dinner. I have not done that in months. Yesterday I cleaned my house, BY MYSELF and it took only 5 hours. I was so proud. I hope this is a continuous road because I now know how much I loved my old life and I want it back. I will still slow down on the volunteer work, which is hard because I am already wanting to do all this stuff for the cancer society at my school and the county, but I won't for now. I will finish this up with hospice and see where it goes and then move on with the cancer society.koneill1976http://www.blogger.com/profile/10730723330206239120noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4339093423820942557.post-49354773386207747332008-02-17T16:42:00.000-08:002008-02-17T16:56:36.103-08:00Still hereWell this was an interesting post chemo week. The Friday of my last chemo I had my Pic line removed because they took my blood and my counts were so high that they told me I would not need it anymore. HA! Went in the following Wed. for blood work and I need another blood transfusion and I have to take the white blood count shots AGAIN when I was promised not to have to take them.<br /><br />Thursday of last week (V-Day and my anniversary) I spent it in the hospital getting a transfusion. On top of this lovely occasion I got a freak stomach virus and began crapping and vomiting out of no where. The pain in my stomach was like an alien trying to rip its way out and no matter how much shit flew out of my ass, the pain would not stop. I flipped over on the floor of the only bathroom in this wing and began hurling. Then the nurse came to ask if I was fine. Yeah, great, don't I look sexy? I was crying and it sucked ass. Lasted an hour, then I was fine. Weird. I got the fusion done and today I finished my shots. So now, I hope I am done till my scan on the 17th of March.<br /><br />Went and saw the Chipmunks tonight with my girls. Not impressed, but I am not a kid. they said they liked it, but Stef fell asleep, so that should say something right there. In the past month and a half I have been to class 5 times. It is a joke in my eyes of why I am going this quarter. I have a make-up midterm tomorrow and I am here typing this instead of studying because there is no way of me passing when I missed the whole segment. I don't even know what to study. I am just going to skim the chapters. I start my community service tomorrow too at the hospice. I am looking forward to it because it is what I want to be part of anyways. They are putting in charge of a new project they are starting, so that is exciting for them to put that much trust in me, but I have done hospice before that is probably why.<br /><br />Not much else has changed. I am getting more hair on my head, but losing more eyebrow and eyelash hair. There really isn't any left, but I like to do the combover, its sexy. I saw myself in the mirror today at the movies and I look sick. I never thought of myself as "sick", but I look like crap and there is nothing to do about it, but wait for hair to grow back and my color to come back to my skin. I have fire toes now too. I feel like a superhero because I feel like I can shoot flames from my toes and fingers. I hope it goes away soon since I won't be getting chemo anymore.<br /><br />must go study, just checking inkoneill1976http://www.blogger.com/profile/10730723330206239120noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4339093423820942557.post-71248214838691774072008-02-05T07:29:00.000-08:002008-02-05T07:37:28.439-08:00Hangin in thereIt is my second day of last chemo and I am sitting in my reserved chair :) waiting to be done. I have drove myself the past two days because of children with the stomach flu at my house. Yes, they are my kids, but I feel bad because I have been quarentined in my bedroom and they want me. Yesterday in my chair I met 4 wonderful women who were here as long as me and they all had great personalities so the time flew by. Two of the women has had recurrent ovarian on 5 times and the other 3 times. they both had everything taken out, but is still coming back. Despite this they both were funny as ever and one of them worked a full time job still. I was impressed and knew I had nothing to complain about. Today I don't have anyone to chat with. There is a woman who looks my age but she is sleeping. She has bone cancer, so if she can sleep, I am not going to bother her.<br /><br />We just had pet therapy dogs go through. They are so cute! I want to do that on the side for cancer and hospice patients. Funny since I have been here so much, the SW and RN don't<br />come see me anymore or call. Guess I am cured :). Well I am procrastinating on my homework, but wanted to let people know so far so good for this week. I just hope my kids get better and I don't get it. or Steve.koneill1976http://www.blogger.com/profile/10730723330206239120noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4339093423820942557.post-43375529486131309382008-02-01T12:58:00.000-08:002008-02-01T13:13:51.329-08:00ReflectionI just asked my youngest what makes someone pretty. And she replied someone with a flat stomach and wears make-up and does their hair. Well I have to change that. She is only 7, but I don't want her to think that and feel that way. Hell, I'm bald, overweight, never wears make-up and does not own a dress, skirt or any bras. I wear tanks, if you must know. Makes me wonder what she thinks of me. :)<br /><br />Anyways. Next week is my LAST week of torture!!!!! I hope. I get to have this catheder taken out of my arm and be somewhat normal. My eyebrows and eyelashes fell out yesterday, figures. I was so close to having my eyebrows to the end. I look like total crap. For some reason my eyes are swelling and puffy and constantly leaking. I have dark circles around my eyes too for that added effect of looking like a strung out druggie. My PIC line is infected and has nasties around it. They told me to just watch it. Thanks, I will do that while I am dripping in pain. I can not believe I am almost done and I hope it is for forever. I can not wait to have my hair back, I am tired of wearing hats, they itch. I want my energy back to play with my kids and do my schooling. I have only been once in 3 weeks, that is pathetic. Thankfully, the profs are working with me but I am sucking ass on the tests. I have made promises to myself for a new life that I will write about so that whoever is reading this will make sure I keep to it.<br /><br />I promise to think of myself more. That sounds weird, but I never think of myself and I always do way more in volunteer work, school and helping neighbors than I can chew which leads to high stress and pissing my family off. I will only do one volunteer project at a time and have weekends off to play with my kids and husband and hang out. I promise to spend more time with the kids. They will be number one in my life, not others. I promise to graduate this year even if I can't finish my gerontology certificate because I need to finish. I promise a family vacation every year that does not involve driving to my parent's house. I want to show my girls the country and brighten thier horizons. Lastly, I promise to be there for my friends more. They have been there for me during this time of shit for me and I owe them whatever I can dish out. Oh wait, Jazz, I want that bike trip to Colorado we planned 11 years ago and never did because you HAD to get knocked up and make me move to Hawaii. :)koneill1976http://www.blogger.com/profile/10730723330206239120noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4339093423820942557.post-75705221925281993822008-01-27T14:13:00.000-08:002008-01-27T14:27:33.158-08:00Are you in the Breakfast Club?This is my all favorite movie and I just watched it. Pretty pathetic that I know all the lines to it. Yes, I am the annoying person that says the lines under my breath the same time the actors say it. I graduated in 1994 and I have to say that I am quite jealous that I did not have a radio station at my school. Adrienne and I watched a 90210 marthon last weekend and they had a radio station too. Yes, I was one of those also that got together with friends every Thursday night and watched 90210. Dillon was quite the player.<br /><br />Watching The Breakfast Club, I was thinking of my high school and the clicks. I don't think our high school was that clickish. We had our preps (though very few), band geeks, academic geeks, stoners, cowboys, cheerleaders, sluts, etc. I was not classified because I was a loner and friends with everyone. If I had to pick a group, I probably hung around the stoners. Funny though because once you graduate the clicks end until the high school reunion. I did not get to go to my high school reunion, but I heard that it was still clickish. <br /><br />Looking back, what is the point of clicks? It is like segregation. I remember there was certain halls in the school that certain people "was not allowed" by other students. Sounds so dumb now. I look at my kids and can already see what group they will be classified in. My oldest is going to be a cowgirl and my youngest a princess. I am just being honest. They are both bright, but I think Stefani, my oldest, will let it shine more than Lyzzi. Lyzzi is going to be the social butterfly. I hope they are friends with everyone though and the clicks are not as bad as they were back in the 90's, but I'm sure they are worse.<br /><br />Saturday school was my passion. I was in it almost every Saturday and it wasn't as fun as in the movie. Why couldn't I of climbed through the ceiling? I know it is just a movie, but it is true. When I watched it in high school it was just comedy but if you really look and analyze the movie (which I can do now since I have nothing better to do) it is a sad reality of how schools are.<br /><br />Oh well, now you know how I spent my Sunday. I am going to watch 16 Candles next.koneill1976http://www.blogger.com/profile/10730723330206239120noreply@blogger.com1