Thursday, February 28, 2008

The waiting game

Ok, I am done driving to Columbus for the time being, but my CAT scan isn't till April? I think that is a little long to wait for a CAT scan. Considering the type of cancer I have can spread like wild fire. Today I did a presentation of my cancer for a Psych class and thinking about it, what if the fetus that was in my ovary carried the tumor and it was not necessarlily me? The tumor was growing off the fetus. Why then did this happen? It is funny because now that I don't go up to Columbus anymore, I have all these pains that freak me out, but i know is nothing. I actually think I am trying to start my period with cramping. :) That would be exciting.

I am sitting in a diner that is in my building and I have my hat off because I am sweating like a pig. It is funny watching the students come in and stare at me until I look at them and then they look away real fast. Others just give me that "I'm sorry" look which makes me want to throw my laptop at them, but I know anger is not the answer. Here's a sexy man, balding, in his 20's and looks like he just down a pint of grease. I can tell by the way he is looking at me he is saying something funny about me that probably isn't but is making him laugh. I may throw my water bottle at him later, we'll see.

Ok, anyways, I am still living a day at a time. Steve is starting back with his old ways of constantly groping me every time he can. I am still scared to have sex. He has been home since January and we had sex once. I was so uncomfortable with it, i did not enjoy it. Now I relate sex with cancer because I got cancer from a baby that was produced by his sperm. Guess it is dumb, but I can't bring myself no matter how much I want to, to have sex. I don't know how to look at it positively.

side note: Grease man had to do another walk through to stare at me. Surprise! he has a mountain dew and candy with him. What a health nut he is. TAKE A FUCKING PICTURE!

Sorry, anyways, I love him and want to share that part with him, but for some reason I think chemo, when I come close to going to him with the magical words, "let's have sex" and I chicken out. I know he has to be going crazy, I would be if I were him. I don't even want him kissing me.

side note: Holy shit! Grease man is now sitting next to me. What the fuck? aRe you going to sketch me for a better at home masterbating angle?

Sorry, again, that was not nice. I will work on letting him kiss me and go from there. I was so use to him not kissing me becasue my counts were always low and he was scared to give me some weird Iraq disease that now it is just weird. It is almost like we have to relearn ourselves and get to know ourselves from the inside out again. He said that when he saw me in the hospital after being gone for 7 months it was strange for him and then have us go through what we have, i know it is going to be wierd.

I will keep you updated on my life, right now, I have to focus on finishing this quarter (2 more weeks) Haven't really gone to class yet. :)

Monday, February 18, 2008

A taste of normal

My youngest, Lyz, is home throwing up AGAIN! I swear I want to put my house in a bubble and let off Lysol bombs to get rid of this bug. It is just circulating no matter how much we clean and disinfect. I hope she gets better tonight and can go out tomorrow for fresh air and SCHOOL. She is already over her limit for her missing the week of school 2 weeks ago for the same thing. I should just open the windows and air out the house even though it is snowing out and below freezing. Stefani woke with this cough from hell, but is still acting normal so I will not pay too much attention yet. I still have the cough that is in my chest, but I think it is just the Bleo eating away my lungs because I can't breathe in anymore without pain and the doc says my labs look good so it is just a cold. THAT IS LASTING FOREVER!

Anyways, today was great. I felt normal again. I drove to school like a normal person, went to class, made up a midterm that I knew nothing about. Do you know what part of the nervous system activates when are stress level becomes too high? If you do know, don't say anything, because I don't and I actually studied. A little. Then I went to hospice to do my community service for a health class and had so much fun. I am comfortable there, I am familar there because I have done it before and I felt like my old self while I was there. They gave me a project to do that was suppose to last my 20 hours, but I did not want to leave so I just did the whole thing today. They were a little shocked, but now they have to find something else for me to do and they don't know when I can come back in. OOPS. When I got home today, I took a nap and now I am making dinner. I have not done that in months. Yesterday I cleaned my house, BY MYSELF and it took only 5 hours. I was so proud. I hope this is a continuous road because I now know how much I loved my old life and I want it back. I will still slow down on the volunteer work, which is hard because I am already wanting to do all this stuff for the cancer society at my school and the county, but I won't for now. I will finish this up with hospice and see where it goes and then move on with the cancer society.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Still here

Well this was an interesting post chemo week. The Friday of my last chemo I had my Pic line removed because they took my blood and my counts were so high that they told me I would not need it anymore. HA! Went in the following Wed. for blood work and I need another blood transfusion and I have to take the white blood count shots AGAIN when I was promised not to have to take them.

Thursday of last week (V-Day and my anniversary) I spent it in the hospital getting a transfusion. On top of this lovely occasion I got a freak stomach virus and began crapping and vomiting out of no where. The pain in my stomach was like an alien trying to rip its way out and no matter how much shit flew out of my ass, the pain would not stop. I flipped over on the floor of the only bathroom in this wing and began hurling. Then the nurse came to ask if I was fine. Yeah, great, don't I look sexy? I was crying and it sucked ass. Lasted an hour, then I was fine. Weird. I got the fusion done and today I finished my shots. So now, I hope I am done till my scan on the 17th of March.

Went and saw the Chipmunks tonight with my girls. Not impressed, but I am not a kid. they said they liked it, but Stef fell asleep, so that should say something right there. In the past month and a half I have been to class 5 times. It is a joke in my eyes of why I am going this quarter. I have a make-up midterm tomorrow and I am here typing this instead of studying because there is no way of me passing when I missed the whole segment. I don't even know what to study. I am just going to skim the chapters. I start my community service tomorrow too at the hospice. I am looking forward to it because it is what I want to be part of anyways. They are putting in charge of a new project they are starting, so that is exciting for them to put that much trust in me, but I have done hospice before that is probably why.

Not much else has changed. I am getting more hair on my head, but losing more eyebrow and eyelash hair. There really isn't any left, but I like to do the combover, its sexy. I saw myself in the mirror today at the movies and I look sick. I never thought of myself as "sick", but I look like crap and there is nothing to do about it, but wait for hair to grow back and my color to come back to my skin. I have fire toes now too. I feel like a superhero because I feel like I can shoot flames from my toes and fingers. I hope it goes away soon since I won't be getting chemo anymore.

must go study, just checking in

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Hangin in there

It is my second day of last chemo and I am sitting in my reserved chair :) waiting to be done. I have drove myself the past two days because of children with the stomach flu at my house. Yes, they are my kids, but I feel bad because I have been quarentined in my bedroom and they want me. Yesterday in my chair I met 4 wonderful women who were here as long as me and they all had great personalities so the time flew by. Two of the women has had recurrent ovarian on 5 times and the other 3 times. they both had everything taken out, but is still coming back. Despite this they both were funny as ever and one of them worked a full time job still. I was impressed and knew I had nothing to complain about. Today I don't have anyone to chat with. There is a woman who looks my age but she is sleeping. She has bone cancer, so if she can sleep, I am not going to bother her.

We just had pet therapy dogs go through. They are so cute! I want to do that on the side for cancer and hospice patients. Funny since I have been here so much, the SW and RN don't
come see me anymore or call. Guess I am cured :). Well I am procrastinating on my homework, but wanted to let people know so far so good for this week. I just hope my kids get better and I don't get it. or Steve.

Friday, February 1, 2008


I just asked my youngest what makes someone pretty. And she replied someone with a flat stomach and wears make-up and does their hair. Well I have to change that. She is only 7, but I don't want her to think that and feel that way. Hell, I'm bald, overweight, never wears make-up and does not own a dress, skirt or any bras. I wear tanks, if you must know. Makes me wonder what she thinks of me. :)

Anyways. Next week is my LAST week of torture!!!!! I hope. I get to have this catheder taken out of my arm and be somewhat normal. My eyebrows and eyelashes fell out yesterday, figures. I was so close to having my eyebrows to the end. I look like total crap. For some reason my eyes are swelling and puffy and constantly leaking. I have dark circles around my eyes too for that added effect of looking like a strung out druggie. My PIC line is infected and has nasties around it. They told me to just watch it. Thanks, I will do that while I am dripping in pain. I can not believe I am almost done and I hope it is for forever. I can not wait to have my hair back, I am tired of wearing hats, they itch. I want my energy back to play with my kids and do my schooling. I have only been once in 3 weeks, that is pathetic. Thankfully, the profs are working with me but I am sucking ass on the tests. I have made promises to myself for a new life that I will write about so that whoever is reading this will make sure I keep to it.

I promise to think of myself more. That sounds weird, but I never think of myself and I always do way more in volunteer work, school and helping neighbors than I can chew which leads to high stress and pissing my family off. I will only do one volunteer project at a time and have weekends off to play with my kids and husband and hang out. I promise to spend more time with the kids. They will be number one in my life, not others. I promise to graduate this year even if I can't finish my gerontology certificate because I need to finish. I promise a family vacation every year that does not involve driving to my parent's house. I want to show my girls the country and brighten thier horizons. Lastly, I promise to be there for my friends more. They have been there for me during this time of shit for me and I owe them whatever I can dish out. Oh wait, Jazz, I want that bike trip to Colorado we planned 11 years ago and never did because you HAD to get knocked up and make me move to Hawaii. :)