Sunday, January 27, 2008

Are you in the Breakfast Club?

This is my all favorite movie and I just watched it. Pretty pathetic that I know all the lines to it. Yes, I am the annoying person that says the lines under my breath the same time the actors say it. I graduated in 1994 and I have to say that I am quite jealous that I did not have a radio station at my school. Adrienne and I watched a 90210 marthon last weekend and they had a radio station too. Yes, I was one of those also that got together with friends every Thursday night and watched 90210. Dillon was quite the player.

Watching The Breakfast Club, I was thinking of my high school and the clicks. I don't think our high school was that clickish. We had our preps (though very few), band geeks, academic geeks, stoners, cowboys, cheerleaders, sluts, etc. I was not classified because I was a loner and friends with everyone. If I had to pick a group, I probably hung around the stoners. Funny though because once you graduate the clicks end until the high school reunion. I did not get to go to my high school reunion, but I heard that it was still clickish.

Looking back, what is the point of clicks? It is like segregation. I remember there was certain halls in the school that certain people "was not allowed" by other students. Sounds so dumb now. I look at my kids and can already see what group they will be classified in. My oldest is going to be a cowgirl and my youngest a princess. I am just being honest. They are both bright, but I think Stefani, my oldest, will let it shine more than Lyzzi. Lyzzi is going to be the social butterfly. I hope they are friends with everyone though and the clicks are not as bad as they were back in the 90's, but I'm sure they are worse.

Saturday school was my passion. I was in it almost every Saturday and it wasn't as fun as in the movie. Why couldn't I of climbed through the ceiling? I know it is just a movie, but it is true. When I watched it in high school it was just comedy but if you really look and analyze the movie (which I can do now since I have nothing better to do) it is a sad reality of how schools are.

Oh well, now you know how I spent my Sunday. I am going to watch 16 Candles next.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

blood transfusion, oh my!

Went to chemo yesterday feeling like crap. this was not normal crap, I knew something was wrong. My legs were shaking, I was seeing an aura in my vision, my heart felt like it was going to jump out of my chest and my blood pressure was high. I walked up to my chemo room and when they took my blood pressure it was 135/? which is high for me and my heart rate was in the 150's. I felt 90 and out of breath. Hell, I went to take a shower yesterday and had to sit to catch my breath in the middle and afterwards I just sat naked on the bed, wet and feeling like I just ran a marathon. I hate the way I felt, it is bad enough that I feel like shit from the chemo and now this. Anyways, the nurse came up and said that I was too pale for her comfort and did not like what she saw or heard so I had to have a blood transfusion. Did they stop chemo for the day??????? Hell, no! God forbid I did not get bleo for day. My counts were not low enough. I still have a whole nother week before I do my week chemo again, what my counts are going to stabilize????? I don't think so! So she was like, Kristine, tomorrow you will get 2 pints of blood and you will feel better and we can continue to give you chemo on schedule. Whatever!

This morning walking into the room to have my transfusion, I felt horrible. My heart was beating so fast, I was out of breath and my anxiety was through the roof. I am not keen of having 2 people's blood, i don't know in me. I was more scared of this then chemo. When he hooked me up and I saw the blood creeping towards my pic line, i blocked my vision and began imagining it as Kool-aid. Had to or I would of ripped it out and huffed my way out. I was there for 7 hours and have to say felt better then when I went in. I got my appetite back, my heart rate is lowered, blood pressure back to normal and I can walk down the hall without taking a break. Did I mention I was 32? Don't feel like it. Now it is the eve of my transfusion and I feel different in a way that I did not realize how bad I was. I am not the color of a white shirt anymore and I can keep my eyes open. Last night I could not keep my eyes open worth anything. Now I can focus on my cold which I get after every chemo treatment. I am beginning to realize that everything I am scared of is happening to me. Like my phobias are being tackled.

Cancer...check Surgery...check Blood Transfusion....check

Why couldn't be Win the Lottery...check Travel the world...check Find a cure....check

Maybe that will be this year :)

another chemo week done

2 days past chemo and guess what I ate? Pizza, chicken wings and breadsticks. Not the smartest thing in the 2world, but boy was it yummy. I have not had chicken wings for over a year. MMMM, why did I wait so long. Yesterday was a yucky day. I was tired, as usual, and my friend and I vegged on the couch watching “America’s Top Model” and ate snacks all day. It was fun. Steve and the girls went out for the weekend so I could relax. I was still nauseated yesterday, but today I have been doing good. (Knock on wood). I slept well last night and woke up actually feeling “normal”, if that could be possible. Adrienne flew home today and the kids and husband are back, so things are going back to normal. I forgot tomorrow is a holiday so me or the kids have school. That is nice so I can have the extra day of rest.
This past week has been surreal for me knowing that I am almost done with treatment. I can not believe there is that light at the end of the tunnel for me already. At the same time, I do have a little guilt of being lucky when I hear of my friend Melinda getting bad news. I could not be told what, but judging from my chemo nurses face, it is not good. It has got me thinking of life in general and who or what moves our pieces. Melinda has a little girl just like me and what makes me different from her? I do believe her spirit will pull her through this next hurdle, but how much can one person take? I know the survivors are inspirations to others, but why did we survive? This experience has changed me emotionally, physically and educationally. Everyone I have met in that chemo room is my family whether they are old, young, black or white and these people I want to stay with. I have never had a “family” before. Meaning, having that true feeling of love and devotion towards each other and when I enter into that chemo room and seeing people’s faces light up because I am there and having people come up to me and tell me how much I have helped them through those hard times, is undescribable. Yes, my treatment is going to be done in 3 weeks, but I am not leaving my family. I have already began looking into a Chemo Nurse, RN program for after I graduate in June and volunteering for the center. I finally feel good about what my decision is for my future. I feel for the past 15 years I have struggled to find my puzzle piece to fit into this game of life and ironically cancer gave me that answer. I will still do my hospice work but I feel nursing is where I need to go. Weird how things evolve from other things.
Speaking of school. I have not been able to find a community service project for my class dealing with the elderly because I HAVE CANCER! I did not realize it was contagious. My instructor, who was as shocked as me, is letting me work for my hospice making phone calls to widowers and stuff envelopes for my credit. I am learning first hand how people view cancer, and I hope the stupidity is just because of the lack of education in this area, but COME ON! Since getting my first C in a while for the final I flunked from last quarter my GPA dropped. L That sucks!
Well I guess I should probably be studying for my exam this week instead of blogging, but this is more exciting.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Another chemo week

I am on day three of my week chemo and I am still having the nausea. they have me on three different nausea meds and I can't believe that I still feel icky. I am sitting in my usual chair procrastinating doing my homework. The IT guy came down and got my wireless working so I doubt I will get to my hw. :) this is more interesting. I only had my rash for one day so far and that was the first day. I found how to rid of the nasty slimy taste in mouth if anyone is interested. Drink a slushy. It has worked for me and hopefully it will work for others. I haven't lost my taste or smell yet and I am wondering if it is my slushy doing it. I may of found a cure. :)

I am trying to get back on my vegetarian diet. Can you believe I haven't lost any weight? I thought that would be a perk of this, but guess not. I have been craving weird things that I haven't eaten in like 2 years like Coke, Taco Bell, meat, processed cakes. I haven't eaten any of that in like a week and have cut myself off of fast food. My sodium and sugars are up which I know is from the chemo but I know my diet is not any better.

School is going. I found out that I have to do community service with the elderly. My doc said to stay out of nursing homes and anywhere with unhealthy people including hospice. I am trying a senior center today to see if they would work with me, but I know one of them will not b/c of my condition. I guess they don't want to take any chances. So that may be interesting.

My doctor's appointment on Monday went well. He wants to do one more cycle after this then do the CAT scans on my and blood work. He was unusually nice to me. MMMMM wonder why? I was hoping this would be my last cycle, but I guess I will suck it up for one more. I just feel I am getting sicker with every session. But I am not complaining to them, Ivy my chemo nurse gets to hear my issues. Lucky her!

My friend Adrienne flies in tonight and is going to be with me the rest of the week into the weekend. this is why I need to do my homework b/c I know I won't do it with her here. So I will stop now and do what I need to do.

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Am I a boy or a girl?

I started back to school on Monday. I am so self-conscious about being bald, it is pathetic. I feel like I have to explain to people why I am bald. Then they are like, "oh". I am extremely jealous of all these girls I see with long hair like I had. I want to pull a Jan Brady and cut their hair off as they bounce it back and forth. I just am shocked at myself that I feel this way.

Today is Wednesday and I was in class while this 75 year old teacher was doing roll call. She came to my name and said "O'Neill, Kristine" I raised my hand. I kid you not! She did a double take and said "Kristine O'Neill?" I said yes this is me. Then she said "Your name is Kristine?" I just about died of embarrassment because I was sitting in the back and the whole class of about 60 20 year olds was staring at me. Then to make my day better, this teacher said she wanted to put us in ALPHABETICAL ORDER in seating arrangements. I did mention this was Ohio University and not elementary school right? So it took an hour to do this and she moved me THREE times because she kept missing people on the roster. Now, instead of sitting safely in the back away from people I'm in the bleeping front row. I emailed this woman during break and told her my situation and she said nothing about doing a volunteer thing and today she said we have to volunteer in a nursing home for 20 hours. How the hell can I do that when my counts are low? That is a death sentence for me. I am going to see if the social worker at the cancer center will make something up for me b/c this teacher is not the brightest card in the stack and talking with her is like talking to a 2 year old. But I need this class to graduate so I will figure something out.

I started my Neuprogen shots tonight and am already feeling the freakin headache coming on. Melinda told me to drink caffine so Steve bought me a Coke. I have not had caffine in months maybe a year b/c I don't drink soda. So I will probably be pooping later. :) I also was craving pizza like crazy for the past week. I was hoping it would pass, but didn't so I ate 4 slices. SHHHH, don't tell anyone. I will be pooping that out later too, but it was sooooooo goooood!!!

I had chemo yesterday, the Bleo shot and my counts were still good. My WBC was 2.5 but my hemoglobin did not budge at all from last week. It is still 9.8 so Ivy said I will probably get another shot next week to bring it up. My eyebrows are finally going and so are my eyelashes. I wake up in the morning with a few in the corner of my eye, which is very comfortable. Not much else going on yet. I have my week chemo next week and my friend from KC, Adrienne is flying in to help which is exciting. My other friend Jasmin sent me a care package which was all too exciting of Special K protein water, Luna bars, awesome thick lotion for my head, vitamins and fun slippers. Thanks Jazz!

If anything exciting happens, I will write later

Sunday, January 6, 2008

happy birthday to me

Yesterday was my birthday, so I am now finally 32. Since my last chemo treatment I have been more sick and tired than before. Nothing sounds good to eat and I feel like I have the flu. Last night I ran a fever of 99.4 which was freaking me out b/c I know if it gets to 100 degrees I have to go the hospital. All day today it has been teetering in the 99's, but I have been keeping tylonel in me and just resting. Tomorrow I start school, I hope, if i am not running a fever. Nausea has been intense this time around too and the pills they gave me don't seem to do anything. I am beginning research on my cancer since it is so rare. I sound dumb I am sure, but I don't think it should of happened. The research I have done so far states that ovarian cancer should not happen if it does not run in the family (it doesn't), if you are vegetarian (I am), if you are on oral contraceptive (have been since I was 12). I am overweight which could of wacked something and the tumor I had thrived on hormones (which is why I think the b/c did it). I am no doctor and I know cancer can hit anyone healthy or not, but my gut tells me it is from on outside factor like my birth control Yaz. I may not find anything, but I love research and I am going to find everything I can about germ cell tumors to better educate myself and others.