Get me the bleepity bleep out of 2007

I have to start out like the award ceremony and say that I forgot to thank some people, but I know everyone that I talk to, knows how much I appreciate them. I do thank Jennifer Pemberton for the mailings and stories and it is cool that we have not spoken since 8th grade, but can pick up right where we left off. I am glad you are in my life again. Krysta Foreman, whom I was stationed in Hawaii with back in 2000, thank you for your emails and I love the support you are giving me. And my new friend Nat who is my blogger buddy. It is nice to talk to someone who is going through what I am even though we are on different levels, but I find now that cancer is cancer and to beat it we have to join together and fight it.

Anyways, this is totally weird before I go into my second chemo session suckiness that I must share. My last blog I was bitching about my parents, ok, I think I jinxed them. They don't read my blog and no one I know would share with them my blog. (keep that in mind). That night, my mom called me crying into the phone and this was not a normal cry but a sob. She said that my grandmother (her mom) can 't talk anymore and that it was hitting her that her best friend was not going to be around much longer. She then went on apologizing for being a bad mom and not being here for me. I then felt guilty about what I blogged because she meant it and I had to keep telling her that it isn't her fault, blah, blah blah. Well, my mom has no friends except one named Brenda. Brenda and her have been buddies since 1986 and when my mom can't call me or her mom, Brenda gets to solve all her problems. That same night my mom found out Brenda has stage 4 cancer and a life expectancy of 8 months. I guess Brenda found a mass back in April, but DUE TO NO INSURANCE did not go to the doctor. Now she can't eat, so she went and the cancer is in her esophogus, stomach, liver and they are scanning her this week to see if it is anywhere else. I told my mom that I met so many people who were not suppose to live 2 months and they are in remission for a decade. Brenda is going to start chemo on the 8th of January, her first session is 8 HOURS LONG!!! Please think of her.

I believe everything happens for a reason, but why would whoever moves our pieces of life make everyone my mom depends on sick or dead? I was thinking and maybe this is to show my mom that she can take care of herself and does not need me, Brenda or her mom. I feel horrible for her right now. She told me she wished I could come home and you know what, if I did not have chemo, I would of hopped in my car for the thousandth time and drove the 12 hours to KC just to be with her and comfort her. This is the first time I can't and it is the first time I feel like she really needs me. She is strong and I hope she can find that in herself right now.

Ok, back to me :). I finished week two of chemo on Friday and it sucked. It was fun meeting and remeeting people though during chemo, but I noticed my symptoms are stronger than before. My skin is red and blotchier, I have that rash on my face again, but the nausea is worse this time and the meds they gave me did not do much. Saturday I slept ALL day and was still tired. I can not describe this fatigue. I thought last time I was tired, no this time was bad. It felt like sandbags were on me and I could not move. I peed myself and did not know it because Iwas so exausted. That is embarrassing! I just sat comotose all day saturday, I could not read because the words were just moving all over the page, could not talk becasue I was slurring my words. Again, the only time I felt good, was asleep. Sunday I woke and could focus finally, but still had the upset stomach. I took more nausea pills and went back to bed. I could tell through out the day yesterday I was improving , but it was slow. By last night, I felt 50% better and could read my book and do crosswords again. All my spikes in my head fell out yesterday in the shower and now my head is so cold then I put a hat on and its hot. I can't regulate my temp at all.

I know this is long, but i have to share with the people I met this week in chemo. When I have my weekly ones, I can tell that I will remeet people. I saw Melinda again, the girl who is my age battling breast cancer. She is so funny and we tore up our pod Friday joking around and having fun. She is such an inspiration. This is her 3rd or 4th reoccurance with the cancer which is now in her lungs, she is on oxygen, can't walk and still is the funniest person. Ivy, the chemo nurse, told us that we feed off each other too much, but that we make the day go faster. I told Melinda that even though we are offending everyone around us, we are cracking each other up and that is what matters. We spent most of the afternoon trying to get Ivy to spike our IV with Bacardi and Melinda was going to pass around her Oxycotin and Vicatin. Can't wait to see her next time. I met another man who was probably in his 40's, he is a farmer and was on his second dose of chemo for colon cancer. He did not have anyone with him and me and this other man who is in his 60's and has lung cancer were joking around about our symptoms. This man in his 60's kept calling me his mini-me b/c we were both bald but he said he was older b/c he had more hair than me. Anyways, the farmer began asking questions, which we like and he and developed a bond. He feels worthless right now b/c his 83 year old father has to tend to his cattle and finish up for the year. He said he can't get over not being able to help anyone and how he does not like being on the recieving side. I can totally relate. Allowing people to help me has been the hardest task for me and I am still working on it. I told him that we share many of the same fears and hopes and that is what we need to keep with us that we are not alone. I made him smile, then I called him sexy and I made him blush, so my job was done.

This is long, but I don't write much on here. 2008 will be a great year for me, I just need out of 2007, too much sadness this year.

happy new year