Memories can save you

The past week without chemo has been much better than the week during treatment. I am battling a chest cold that I believe if I did not have, I would feel even more like my old self. Fatigue has been the number the one thing that I have dealt with along with indigestion. I do have a rash that is ugly and sores in my mouth that are still tolerable. I cut my hair off a couple of days ago to lessen the blow of being bald. Everyday more of my hair comes out whether it is from my head or other parts of my body.

One thing cancer has shown me is who is really there for you when you need them. Who goes that extra step just to make sure that you are alright. Friends whom I believed would of been there are not and those that I would not expect have gone that extra mile that I will never forget. One evening I was down and feeling sorry for myself I called a friend and even though she was swamped with work, stressed over no sleep, etc. she put her shit down and focused on me. She brought my spirits back up where they need to be and I need that from time to time. I have another friend whom i thought would walk through fire for me and when I called her she told me she had to call me back because she was with her new boyfriend. During this past month she has acted like I am well and it bothers me. I know people deal with news differently, but I draw my line at a month with few contacts.

My mom lost her dad to cancer last year and right now her mom is in hospice and she has to deal with me. I can't say she is the best supporter for me, but I do believe she is doing the best she can. I am appalled that no on in my family as sent me a card, email or a phone call except for my mom and one of my aunts. I think my distance is what makes people deal with my cancer better becasue if they don't see me and the way I look, then I am fine in their eyes. I just want focus on my two girls right now. They are the ones who have to deal with me being how I am and their dad leaving tomorrow until who knows when for the army. My girls are the strong ones in this, they are the ones who have to deal with sadness on both ends and do not really have anyone to turn to. My girls are my heros through this and my strength. If they can get up everyday and face what they have to, then I can too.

I have noticed that during my times of being comatose (which is alot now), I have memories that come out of nowhere. I grew up wealthy before the floor was taken out from under my dad for reasons that I am not going to go into. We had a houseboat that we would go to every weekend and during this time, my brother, Shannon would be nice to me. He is 4 years older than me and we never got along outside this houseboat. At night, he would take me out on his blow up boat and we would float in our cove and watch the stars and talk. I was only like 7 then, but this memory keeps coming back to me. The floating sensation and how happy I was to be hanging with Shannon. It is a soothing memory for me.

My husband bought me a beautiful leather bound journal for my journey, but I will update my blog when exciting things happen or for that first experience of going out in public bald. I still don't know if I can do it, but I don't want to where a wig. I have cancer and I want to embrace it and show that you are still a human being and there is nothing to be ashamed of.