Chemo day 3

Today has begun on a bumpy road to say the least. Have you ever felt that “unknown” feeling but could not quite put your finger on it? Times that by 1000 and that is how I felt this morning. Last night I could not sleep and as soon as I did fall asleep, my dogs started barking at nothing and woke me up. I could not sleep after that. This morning I could not keep my balance, I felt like shit and I just wanted to crawl in a hole and skip today’s treatment. Positive note, it snowed A LOT this morning and our 4 acres of woods looked beautiful.
Driving in this morning was exciting. Our roads were not even cleared and my husband drove in first gear for the hour or so. The closer we got to Columbus, the better the roads, so luckily we did not wreck. I just felt strange this morning. Was not nauseated or had any pain but I was so light headed and I felt floaty and emotional. I was just crying and crying. I was not me. I sat in my chair and just bawled like a baby and could not figure out why. The RN for my doctor came down and took me into a room for me to let all this emotion out and talk. My husband does not like to talk about the big C word so I have to keep my emotions bottled at the house. I don’t think he means anything negative about it, but I know it has to be hard seeing someone you love deteriorate right in front of their eyes. But I would take this illness before my kids or my husband because I know I am strong and can do it…minus a few emotional breakdowns.
Anyways, once I was back in the room with the RN she wanted me to speak my mind and I did and I felt so much better afterwards. I am angry that I am sick and on restrictions for everything that I love. I can’t hike, play in the snow, bake cookies without feeling like I am going to sleep, etc. Boy do I want to go sledding, but with this PIK in, that would not be a smart thing to do. I am angry that my husband is going back to Iraq next week and his unit is not allowing him to stay home. That is huge for me because now that I know what I am up against, I know I need help and I am not going to have any after this week. I just don’t understand why the army, who use to say family first, is now putting family last. It sucks. I don’t want him to go and would be poor and homeless just to have him be my support through this. The RN offered a home nurse, but that is not the same as my baby boy. He even offered to his unit to stay after their unit comes home just so he doesn’t have to leave me. People tell me that I will not be given more than I can handle, but this is ridiculous and I feel that I am not being given a break. I think that once Steve is home for good till I get better, if that happens, I will feel much more positive. Just talking about it to the RN helped my psychological state out tremdensley.
My girls had a snow day today and are up in the art room here making ceiling tiles for this cancer room. I think that is cool that my girls mark will be here as long as the building is and it just opened. I feel much better and have one hour left before going home. I guess they are taking me off steroids to see if it helps my mood swings and sleeplessness any. Have to pee again. You are filled with so much fluid, you pee every 15 minutes. It is worse than pregnancy. Another thing I notice here is that I am the youngest. I have seen two women that looked my age, but chemo makes you age, I look 10 years older than I did last week, so who knows. I am strong and can handle this. BRING IT ON!!!!
Last night went well or better than the night before. I fell asleep on the couch and woke up at 5am then fell back to sleep and woke up at 7am. I felt nauseated this morning and took the pill which made me feel better, but then I had to take a steroid pill that made me feel sick again. Anyways, when we drove up last night, there was 7 inches of snow on the ground and it looked beautiful! I am taking all this beauty and soaking it in.