Into week two of my 5 day treatment. The fatigue is there more prominent this time and I believe with the added stress of no husband my symptoms are a little higher than what they should be. Monday I went by myself for my 4 hour treatment and did great. I was able to drive to and from no problem plus I had my kids. X-mas I was off and I could not believe how tired I was. I was also alone b/c Steve's mom came and got my kids for the week. That evening my best friend from birth drove in to take care of me the rest of the this week with the driving. I have to say right now Alissa is my life saver. I still wear my protective shield telling everyone I am fine doing this alone but I am not.
One thing I hate about this treatment and I don't know if it is just me but I can't let things go anymore. If one thing happens, I harp and get more pissed and have to get it off my chest. Whereas before this I would just put it in my pocket and go to the gym, work out for an hour or so until I was back to my old self. I did not NEED people to vent my frustrations to, I was able to work it out on my own. I am thinking now, I am a very angry person and this sickness has helped me realize that. An example would be that if someone came to me and said, "Did you know your eraser fell off your pencil?" I would say "No, thanks for telling me" Then 12 hours later in bed while I am trying to fall asleep I would become pissed that my eraser fell off and would need to know where it was and would harp on it till i start crying. (Just an example, when I start crying over pencil erasers, I will get psychiatric help).
Alissa came in and said that her mom is coming for the month of February to help me. I of course cried b/c that is all I do now (damn steroids!). And 24 hours later in bed and 5am I am wondering why my parents have not offerd to help. If one of my daughters is going through something like this and she had two girls to take care of and husband gone, I would be walk through fire to help. Mine parents and my one brother could send a 1,000 page manuel of excuses why they won't help. My parents don't work. They are retired, have some health problems, but still do vacations just fine. Why is it that my FRIENDS's PARENTS are the ones offering me help and support and my own parents aren't? Is this something I should bring up to them? Is it proper for me to voice my opinion on how fucked up they are? My friends who have nothing and have to work hard to keep a roof over their heads are driving 12 hours to me or flying paying with money they do not have to make sure I am taking care of. My parents have not even sent a card. I thought I am close to them. I am the only daughter, granddaugheter and niece in my family. One aunt, ONE, has been emailing me, sending myself and my girls encouraging messages and she lives in California. I just came to realize that I am sick of their excuses. I am thier daughter who is going through one of the many hellish chemo treatments and the people who needs to be here is them. I am tired of relying on complete strangers, I appreciate and love that people who don't know jack squat about me care for me, but when I wake up wanting to throw up my insides or I need help to the bathroom b/c walking the 10 feet is just too much, I want the people here that know me, know who I am. I am hurt that reality is slapping me in the face. I always knew my parents were not meant to have kids, but this is not the time for me to see this.
I just want to thank my friends mom's Kae Talbert, Kris Kuntz and my best friends Jasmin Talbert, Adrienne Wurtz-Landis or whatever you are going to have as your last name now :) and Alissa Gothard for loving me right now and being there for me. I know I don't call as much, but I am always thinking of you and I am going to be fine if I just stop harping on shit.
Sorry another low moment. I have to go to chemo in 2 hours. They are giving me a new shot on Saturday, yea me! to hopefully keep my count from dropping to zero again. ONe of the nurses or maybe I read it somewhere, said that when your counts drop to zero you can die. Is this true and what are the stats on this? I would hate to die from the treatment that is suppose to save me, that would suck.
I ran into Tanya yesterday, the lady I met on my last chemo marathon who was just starting. She was back for her second chemo and is losing her hair. She was so distraught about it and i felt like I was mocking her in a way if that is the appropriate thing to say b/c I am fine bald. I did not know what to say. I put my hat back on and went up to her and told her she was beautiful. She had big brown eyes, great skin, little nose. I told her that we can't save ourselves from losing our hair, but we can not obsess over it either. I felt so bad for her. I do get stares in this chemo place because I am the only one that does not wear a hat or scarf or wig. Should I? Is this hurtful to other women with no hair? I mean nothing bad by it, I still do not go bald in public, I am not that strong yet, but I feel safe there with no hair even though I still get stared at. I dont' want to offend. Let me know what you think.
Well have to go eat my small meal to take my steroid and then have to go to Walmart b/c the jackasses forgot to give me one of my bags yesterday. Yes, i bought the dr. a present. Slap me later. :) Time to get pumped of poisons. Yea!
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2 comments:
The steroids make me very angry too. I have always had bad road rage - but now it is really bad. Some of your anger is the steroids I'll bet. I lie in bed and get angry about stupid stuff too! :)
I think you could safely bring up to your parents that you are having a difficult time, and could really use their help. Sometimes, we put up such a strong face during this, that people really don't think that we want or need help. They think that they would make us feel weak if they even offered to help. Sometimes, we have to ask for what we need. It sounds like you have some great friends! That is a wonderful support system there.
About being bald - you go girl! Show that beautiful bald head - and who cares what anyone else thinks!! I am the only one in my chemo who wears a scarf (all others have wigs), and they even stare at me for that. :) That was very kind of you to talk to that girl who was worried about losing her hair. It really helps to offer help to those who are just starting, and to get answers from others who have been through it before. At my first chemo, there was a lady there for her last session, who explained what all would happen to me, better than the docs or nurses did. It really helped to get me ready for what I would be facing in the upcoming treatments.
I'm with you, I would be beating my daughter's door down to help her. But I do think Nat has a point. I tell people I'm fine even when I'm not, they don't know if I need help or not, but your situation is hard enough to deal with.
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