I have to start out like the award ceremony and say that I forgot to thank some people, but I know everyone that I talk to, knows how much I appreciate them. I do thank Jennifer Pemberton for the mailings and stories and it is cool that we have not spoken since 8th grade, but can pick up right where we left off. I am glad you are in my life again. Krysta Foreman, whom I was stationed in Hawaii with back in 2000, thank you for your emails and I love the support you are giving me. And my new friend Nat who is my blogger buddy. It is nice to talk to someone who is going through what I am even though we are on different levels, but I find now that cancer is cancer and to beat it we have to join together and fight it.
Anyways, this is totally weird before I go into my second chemo session suckiness that I must share. My last blog I was bitching about my parents, ok, I think I jinxed them. They don't read my blog and no one I know would share with them my blog. (keep that in mind). That night, my mom called me crying into the phone and this was not a normal cry but a sob. She said that my grandmother (her mom) can 't talk anymore and that it was hitting her that her best friend was not going to be around much longer. She then went on apologizing for being a bad mom and not being here for me. I then felt guilty about what I blogged because she meant it and I had to keep telling her that it isn't her fault, blah, blah blah. Well, my mom has no friends except one named Brenda. Brenda and her have been buddies since 1986 and when my mom can't call me or her mom, Brenda gets to solve all her problems. That same night my mom found out Brenda has stage 4 cancer and a life expectancy of 8 months. I guess Brenda found a mass back in April, but DUE TO NO INSURANCE did not go to the doctor. Now she can't eat, so she went and the cancer is in her esophogus, stomach, liver and they are scanning her this week to see if it is anywhere else. I told my mom that I met so many people who were not suppose to live 2 months and they are in remission for a decade. Brenda is going to start chemo on the 8th of January, her first session is 8 HOURS LONG!!! Please think of her.
I believe everything happens for a reason, but why would whoever moves our pieces of life make everyone my mom depends on sick or dead? I was thinking and maybe this is to show my mom that she can take care of herself and does not need me, Brenda or her mom. I feel horrible for her right now. She told me she wished I could come home and you know what, if I did not have chemo, I would of hopped in my car for the thousandth time and drove the 12 hours to KC just to be with her and comfort her. This is the first time I can't and it is the first time I feel like she really needs me. She is strong and I hope she can find that in herself right now.
Ok, back to me :). I finished week two of chemo on Friday and it sucked. It was fun meeting and remeeting people though during chemo, but I noticed my symptoms are stronger than before. My skin is red and blotchier, I have that rash on my face again, but the nausea is worse this time and the meds they gave me did not do much. Saturday I slept ALL day and was still tired. I can not describe this fatigue. I thought last time I was tired, no this time was bad. It felt like sandbags were on me and I could not move. I peed myself and did not know it because Iwas so exausted. That is embarrassing! I just sat comotose all day saturday, I could not read because the words were just moving all over the page, could not talk becasue I was slurring my words. Again, the only time I felt good, was asleep. Sunday I woke and could focus finally, but still had the upset stomach. I took more nausea pills and went back to bed. I could tell through out the day yesterday I was improving , but it was slow. By last night, I felt 50% better and could read my book and do crosswords again. All my spikes in my head fell out yesterday in the shower and now my head is so cold then I put a hat on and its hot. I can't regulate my temp at all.
I know this is long, but i have to share with the people I met this week in chemo. When I have my weekly ones, I can tell that I will remeet people. I saw Melinda again, the girl who is my age battling breast cancer. She is so funny and we tore up our pod Friday joking around and having fun. She is such an inspiration. This is her 3rd or 4th reoccurance with the cancer which is now in her lungs, she is on oxygen, can't walk and still is the funniest person. Ivy, the chemo nurse, told us that we feed off each other too much, but that we make the day go faster. I told Melinda that even though we are offending everyone around us, we are cracking each other up and that is what matters. We spent most of the afternoon trying to get Ivy to spike our IV with Bacardi and Melinda was going to pass around her Oxycotin and Vicatin. Can't wait to see her next time. I met another man who was probably in his 40's, he is a farmer and was on his second dose of chemo for colon cancer. He did not have anyone with him and me and this other man who is in his 60's and has lung cancer were joking around about our symptoms. This man in his 60's kept calling me his mini-me b/c we were both bald but he said he was older b/c he had more hair than me. Anyways, the farmer began asking questions, which we like and he and developed a bond. He feels worthless right now b/c his 83 year old father has to tend to his cattle and finish up for the year. He said he can't get over not being able to help anyone and how he does not like being on the recieving side. I can totally relate. Allowing people to help me has been the hardest task for me and I am still working on it. I told him that we share many of the same fears and hopes and that is what we need to keep with us that we are not alone. I made him smile, then I called him sexy and I made him blush, so my job was done.
This is long, but I don't write much on here. 2008 will be a great year for me, I just need out of 2007, too much sadness this year.
happy new year
Monday, December 31, 2007
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Grab your partner dosey doe
Into week two of my 5 day treatment. The fatigue is there more prominent this time and I believe with the added stress of no husband my symptoms are a little higher than what they should be. Monday I went by myself for my 4 hour treatment and did great. I was able to drive to and from no problem plus I had my kids. X-mas I was off and I could not believe how tired I was. I was also alone b/c Steve's mom came and got my kids for the week. That evening my best friend from birth drove in to take care of me the rest of the this week with the driving. I have to say right now Alissa is my life saver. I still wear my protective shield telling everyone I am fine doing this alone but I am not.
One thing I hate about this treatment and I don't know if it is just me but I can't let things go anymore. If one thing happens, I harp and get more pissed and have to get it off my chest. Whereas before this I would just put it in my pocket and go to the gym, work out for an hour or so until I was back to my old self. I did not NEED people to vent my frustrations to, I was able to work it out on my own. I am thinking now, I am a very angry person and this sickness has helped me realize that. An example would be that if someone came to me and said, "Did you know your eraser fell off your pencil?" I would say "No, thanks for telling me" Then 12 hours later in bed while I am trying to fall asleep I would become pissed that my eraser fell off and would need to know where it was and would harp on it till i start crying. (Just an example, when I start crying over pencil erasers, I will get psychiatric help).
Alissa came in and said that her mom is coming for the month of February to help me. I of course cried b/c that is all I do now (damn steroids!). And 24 hours later in bed and 5am I am wondering why my parents have not offerd to help. If one of my daughters is going through something like this and she had two girls to take care of and husband gone, I would be walk through fire to help. Mine parents and my one brother could send a 1,000 page manuel of excuses why they won't help. My parents don't work. They are retired, have some health problems, but still do vacations just fine. Why is it that my FRIENDS's PARENTS are the ones offering me help and support and my own parents aren't? Is this something I should bring up to them? Is it proper for me to voice my opinion on how fucked up they are? My friends who have nothing and have to work hard to keep a roof over their heads are driving 12 hours to me or flying paying with money they do not have to make sure I am taking care of. My parents have not even sent a card. I thought I am close to them. I am the only daughter, granddaugheter and niece in my family. One aunt, ONE, has been emailing me, sending myself and my girls encouraging messages and she lives in California. I just came to realize that I am sick of their excuses. I am thier daughter who is going through one of the many hellish chemo treatments and the people who needs to be here is them. I am tired of relying on complete strangers, I appreciate and love that people who don't know jack squat about me care for me, but when I wake up wanting to throw up my insides or I need help to the bathroom b/c walking the 10 feet is just too much, I want the people here that know me, know who I am. I am hurt that reality is slapping me in the face. I always knew my parents were not meant to have kids, but this is not the time for me to see this.
I just want to thank my friends mom's Kae Talbert, Kris Kuntz and my best friends Jasmin Talbert, Adrienne Wurtz-Landis or whatever you are going to have as your last name now :) and Alissa Gothard for loving me right now and being there for me. I know I don't call as much, but I am always thinking of you and I am going to be fine if I just stop harping on shit.
Sorry another low moment. I have to go to chemo in 2 hours. They are giving me a new shot on Saturday, yea me! to hopefully keep my count from dropping to zero again. ONe of the nurses or maybe I read it somewhere, said that when your counts drop to zero you can die. Is this true and what are the stats on this? I would hate to die from the treatment that is suppose to save me, that would suck.
I ran into Tanya yesterday, the lady I met on my last chemo marathon who was just starting. She was back for her second chemo and is losing her hair. She was so distraught about it and i felt like I was mocking her in a way if that is the appropriate thing to say b/c I am fine bald. I did not know what to say. I put my hat back on and went up to her and told her she was beautiful. She had big brown eyes, great skin, little nose. I told her that we can't save ourselves from losing our hair, but we can not obsess over it either. I felt so bad for her. I do get stares in this chemo place because I am the only one that does not wear a hat or scarf or wig. Should I? Is this hurtful to other women with no hair? I mean nothing bad by it, I still do not go bald in public, I am not that strong yet, but I feel safe there with no hair even though I still get stared at. I dont' want to offend. Let me know what you think.
Well have to go eat my small meal to take my steroid and then have to go to Walmart b/c the jackasses forgot to give me one of my bags yesterday. Yes, i bought the dr. a present. Slap me later. :) Time to get pumped of poisons. Yea!
One thing I hate about this treatment and I don't know if it is just me but I can't let things go anymore. If one thing happens, I harp and get more pissed and have to get it off my chest. Whereas before this I would just put it in my pocket and go to the gym, work out for an hour or so until I was back to my old self. I did not NEED people to vent my frustrations to, I was able to work it out on my own. I am thinking now, I am a very angry person and this sickness has helped me realize that. An example would be that if someone came to me and said, "Did you know your eraser fell off your pencil?" I would say "No, thanks for telling me" Then 12 hours later in bed while I am trying to fall asleep I would become pissed that my eraser fell off and would need to know where it was and would harp on it till i start crying. (Just an example, when I start crying over pencil erasers, I will get psychiatric help).
Alissa came in and said that her mom is coming for the month of February to help me. I of course cried b/c that is all I do now (damn steroids!). And 24 hours later in bed and 5am I am wondering why my parents have not offerd to help. If one of my daughters is going through something like this and she had two girls to take care of and husband gone, I would be walk through fire to help. Mine parents and my one brother could send a 1,000 page manuel of excuses why they won't help. My parents don't work. They are retired, have some health problems, but still do vacations just fine. Why is it that my FRIENDS's PARENTS are the ones offering me help and support and my own parents aren't? Is this something I should bring up to them? Is it proper for me to voice my opinion on how fucked up they are? My friends who have nothing and have to work hard to keep a roof over their heads are driving 12 hours to me or flying paying with money they do not have to make sure I am taking care of. My parents have not even sent a card. I thought I am close to them. I am the only daughter, granddaugheter and niece in my family. One aunt, ONE, has been emailing me, sending myself and my girls encouraging messages and she lives in California. I just came to realize that I am sick of their excuses. I am thier daughter who is going through one of the many hellish chemo treatments and the people who needs to be here is them. I am tired of relying on complete strangers, I appreciate and love that people who don't know jack squat about me care for me, but when I wake up wanting to throw up my insides or I need help to the bathroom b/c walking the 10 feet is just too much, I want the people here that know me, know who I am. I am hurt that reality is slapping me in the face. I always knew my parents were not meant to have kids, but this is not the time for me to see this.
I just want to thank my friends mom's Kae Talbert, Kris Kuntz and my best friends Jasmin Talbert, Adrienne Wurtz-Landis or whatever you are going to have as your last name now :) and Alissa Gothard for loving me right now and being there for me. I know I don't call as much, but I am always thinking of you and I am going to be fine if I just stop harping on shit.
Sorry another low moment. I have to go to chemo in 2 hours. They are giving me a new shot on Saturday, yea me! to hopefully keep my count from dropping to zero again. ONe of the nurses or maybe I read it somewhere, said that when your counts drop to zero you can die. Is this true and what are the stats on this? I would hate to die from the treatment that is suppose to save me, that would suck.
I ran into Tanya yesterday, the lady I met on my last chemo marathon who was just starting. She was back for her second chemo and is losing her hair. She was so distraught about it and i felt like I was mocking her in a way if that is the appropriate thing to say b/c I am fine bald. I did not know what to say. I put my hat back on and went up to her and told her she was beautiful. She had big brown eyes, great skin, little nose. I told her that we can't save ourselves from losing our hair, but we can not obsess over it either. I felt so bad for her. I do get stares in this chemo place because I am the only one that does not wear a hat or scarf or wig. Should I? Is this hurtful to other women with no hair? I mean nothing bad by it, I still do not go bald in public, I am not that strong yet, but I feel safe there with no hair even though I still get stared at. I dont' want to offend. Let me know what you think.
Well have to go eat my small meal to take my steroid and then have to go to Walmart b/c the jackasses forgot to give me one of my bags yesterday. Yes, i bought the dr. a present. Slap me later. :) Time to get pumped of poisons. Yea!
Monday, December 24, 2007
Just wrap it up and slap a bow on it
Sorry for the negativity I displayed in my last blog. Had a moment and now it has passed. I started my week long chemo today and it went smoothly. I must share my experience with my doctor which was.......interesting.
I had an appointment at 8am this morning. I live 2 hours away, so an 8 am appointment with two girls is a challenge sick or not. I got out the door at 6am, proud that we will be on time and when I went to start my car, it would not START!!! Ok, so I will be a little late, that is fine. I yelled at my car, thinking it would respond to my anger, but that did not work, so I had to take the truck. I like the truck for short trips, but driving 160 miles round trip is like throwing money out the window, but what choice did I have. I went to put gas in the never ending tank and began the journey with my girls shoved in the 2 inch space that they call a backseat. They did not mind b/c they were so tired.
Got to my dr's appointment ON TIME, I know, I had another proud moment. I think I was driving too fast b/c I don't cruise control, but oh well. When the doctor came in the first thing out of his mouth was "I am so pissed off at you!" "I can't believe that after everything I did for you, you would do such a thing!" He was talking loudly and threatening. I just opened my mouth and was like "What the %$^#?" What did I do? Last time I checked, you were the one pumping poison in me and wanting to except it with a smile. I admit freely that I am a hypochondiac and he goes, "This is not the time to bother me with you mild ailments. You need to stop being a hypochondriac and just expect not to feel well. I am going on vacation and I do not want you bothering the doctor taking my patients with your hypochondriac ways. Just learn to deal with it." Ok, first of all, what the hell are you talking about? Second, you are my bleeping doctor and are suppose to be there for me and Thirdly, I called the on call doctor ONCE in the past three weeks, which is good for a hypochondriac and it is because I passed a clot the size of my HAND!!! If something that big came out of your penis, I think you would be calling someone too.
Now I know you are dying to know why an onocologist would treat a patient like a piece of penguin poo. Well apparently someone told him my husband and I were seperated and in the process of a divorce. I started to cry b/c I was like, "Did Steve say he was leaving me?" and the dr. was like "No" Supposively, the social told the RN that Steve and I had communication issues, which we do, but last time I checked all married couple or dating couples have communication problems. How the hell did he turn that around to us being seperated and divorced and WHAT IS IT HIS BUSINESS IF WE DID??????? I don't know, but this Dr. felt like shit when he found out he heard it wrong and quite frankly I am glad he feels bad. I turned him in to his boss, b/c I felt an urge of evilness and I don't want him to do that to another patient. His RN and the social worker came down and apologized for the miscommunication and I told them I didn't care about the miscommunication, but I do care how he presented himself to me. It was unprofessional and this is coming from someone who still sleeps with her baby blanket and thinks pooping and farting is funny.
That was my fun day in chemo. I know you are jealous of my excitement. I drove home and now I am typing. I want chex mix so I think I may go make some. MMMMM!!! I need to get milk, but I am mad at my car so I think it is best to just stay away from it. :)\
Have a Happy X-mas
I had an appointment at 8am this morning. I live 2 hours away, so an 8 am appointment with two girls is a challenge sick or not. I got out the door at 6am, proud that we will be on time and when I went to start my car, it would not START!!! Ok, so I will be a little late, that is fine. I yelled at my car, thinking it would respond to my anger, but that did not work, so I had to take the truck. I like the truck for short trips, but driving 160 miles round trip is like throwing money out the window, but what choice did I have. I went to put gas in the never ending tank and began the journey with my girls shoved in the 2 inch space that they call a backseat. They did not mind b/c they were so tired.
Got to my dr's appointment ON TIME, I know, I had another proud moment. I think I was driving too fast b/c I don't cruise control, but oh well. When the doctor came in the first thing out of his mouth was "I am so pissed off at you!" "I can't believe that after everything I did for you, you would do such a thing!" He was talking loudly and threatening. I just opened my mouth and was like "What the %$^#?" What did I do? Last time I checked, you were the one pumping poison in me and wanting to except it with a smile. I admit freely that I am a hypochondiac and he goes, "This is not the time to bother me with you mild ailments. You need to stop being a hypochondriac and just expect not to feel well. I am going on vacation and I do not want you bothering the doctor taking my patients with your hypochondriac ways. Just learn to deal with it." Ok, first of all, what the hell are you talking about? Second, you are my bleeping doctor and are suppose to be there for me and Thirdly, I called the on call doctor ONCE in the past three weeks, which is good for a hypochondriac and it is because I passed a clot the size of my HAND!!! If something that big came out of your penis, I think you would be calling someone too.
Now I know you are dying to know why an onocologist would treat a patient like a piece of penguin poo. Well apparently someone told him my husband and I were seperated and in the process of a divorce. I started to cry b/c I was like, "Did Steve say he was leaving me?" and the dr. was like "No" Supposively, the social told the RN that Steve and I had communication issues, which we do, but last time I checked all married couple or dating couples have communication problems. How the hell did he turn that around to us being seperated and divorced and WHAT IS IT HIS BUSINESS IF WE DID??????? I don't know, but this Dr. felt like shit when he found out he heard it wrong and quite frankly I am glad he feels bad. I turned him in to his boss, b/c I felt an urge of evilness and I don't want him to do that to another patient. His RN and the social worker came down and apologized for the miscommunication and I told them I didn't care about the miscommunication, but I do care how he presented himself to me. It was unprofessional and this is coming from someone who still sleeps with her baby blanket and thinks pooping and farting is funny.
That was my fun day in chemo. I know you are jealous of my excitement. I drove home and now I am typing. I want chex mix so I think I may go make some. MMMMM!!! I need to get milk, but I am mad at my car so I think it is best to just stay away from it. :)\
Have a Happy X-mas
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Pain means your still alive, right?
I had to start taking these injection to up my blood count and now I feel like I have been run over. My head hurts so bad that focusing on this computer screen is torture. Last night all my bones in my legs, hips, back and shoulders felt like someone took a 2 x4 to me. I just hate this. I had an addiction problem in high school with herion, meth and alcohol and I honestly believe that was easier than this. I would rather be high again then deal with this pain, alone. I don't think it is fair that I have to deal with this by myself and still attempt to function like a mom and take care of my girls. Where are all these people that offered to help me when Steve left? People are sending my girls presents and giving me checks, I appreciate that more than anything, but I want someone to talk to, someone to tell me that this too will pass. I want my husband home. I can't deal with this alone but I would like someone to come wrap all these gifts for me or fold my laundry or take my girls for their haircut that they have been begging me for. I feel so worthless right now. I know this will pass and I will have a good day again, but I have to take another injection today which means I will still feel like shit, I will still be bitchy and i will still not able to see the brighter side. I am done feeling sorry for myself for now, I just needed to get it out so I can move on, do laundry, make cupcakes for my girls Christmas party tomorrow and wrap presents. I just wish Steve was home. I miss him.
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
The Joy of Losing My Hair
So much for not losing my hair like I was told. I knew I would and it was an interesting moment. Every morning I would wake up and tug on my hair it would be intact, but Monday morning when I got up, when I tugged it would come out. I had fun with it and went up to my husband and said, "Look what I can do" and tugged a chunk of hair and it came out. He started gagging. I didn't think it was gross or anything, but he did. I got in the shower and watched my pubic hair spill out all over the bottom of the shower and chunks of my head hair wash down my back. Surprising, I did not care until Steve took the shaver out and shaved my head. I shed a few tears but then realized I looked good with no hair. I have a perfectly shaped head and small ears so then I did not mind. I look tough now and for the first time, I can not hide behind my long hair. I have self esteem issues with my weight which I gained 100 pounds with my pregnancy and I honestly thought losing the one thing the defined me would send me over the edge,but it has actually made me stronger. I flaunt my bald head everywhere and get stares left and right, but I just say, "I have cancer, I am not pulling a Britney Spears and then they apologize and we move on" I am losing my eyebrows now, so I am sure I will get less stares unless I draw my expressions in. I think losing my hair is a good thing for me because it is helping realize that I have other beautiful features.
I had chemo on Tuesday again and my white blood cell count is 0, but I feel great, which is strange to me. I have to give my self injections in my belly everyday to up it to 1 so I can do my week treatment next week. I get my blood taken on Friday and if it is not up to 1 they want to hospitalize me which I find crazy. Why don't they just postpone till the following week? I don't want to send my kids off to my neighbors or send them early to their grandma's and miss Christmas with them. I am thier only parent right now and I want to draw the line, but the doctors are not listening. It is hard for me to put myself first when my kids are involved and their dad is gone. I am keeping postive that my counts are going to go up. They were at 8 last week, it is hard to believe they dropped that fast.
Today I woke up with blurred double vision which was interesting. I called my nurse and she said it was from the steriods. My vision cleared up by the afternoon, but it was annoying. The double vision just lasted about 30 minutes then it was like I could not focus on anything. I am a vegetarian and this chemo has me craving meat like crazy. I broke down tonight and made some bbq chicken. I ate a little and it was GOOD! My 2 year vegetarian life may be over for a while. I want a roast and some ribs. MMMMMMM! I read some other stories and people do tend to crave meat, so it is not just me. I will still eat my veg diet and eat meat once or twice or three times a week. :)
That is all so far this week. I am feeling great so far, no mouth sores, my rash is finally clearing up, more awake, but that will change next week when my chemo starts all over again. :(
I had chemo on Tuesday again and my white blood cell count is 0, but I feel great, which is strange to me. I have to give my self injections in my belly everyday to up it to 1 so I can do my week treatment next week. I get my blood taken on Friday and if it is not up to 1 they want to hospitalize me which I find crazy. Why don't they just postpone till the following week? I don't want to send my kids off to my neighbors or send them early to their grandma's and miss Christmas with them. I am thier only parent right now and I want to draw the line, but the doctors are not listening. It is hard for me to put myself first when my kids are involved and their dad is gone. I am keeping postive that my counts are going to go up. They were at 8 last week, it is hard to believe they dropped that fast.
Today I woke up with blurred double vision which was interesting. I called my nurse and she said it was from the steriods. My vision cleared up by the afternoon, but it was annoying. The double vision just lasted about 30 minutes then it was like I could not focus on anything. I am a vegetarian and this chemo has me craving meat like crazy. I broke down tonight and made some bbq chicken. I ate a little and it was GOOD! My 2 year vegetarian life may be over for a while. I want a roast and some ribs. MMMMMMM! I read some other stories and people do tend to crave meat, so it is not just me. I will still eat my veg diet and eat meat once or twice or three times a week. :)
That is all so far this week. I am feeling great so far, no mouth sores, my rash is finally clearing up, more awake, but that will change next week when my chemo starts all over again. :(
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Memories can save you
The past week without chemo has been much better than the week during treatment. I am battling a chest cold that I believe if I did not have, I would feel even more like my old self. Fatigue has been the number the one thing that I have dealt with along with indigestion. I do have a rash that is ugly and sores in my mouth that are still tolerable. I cut my hair off a couple of days ago to lessen the blow of being bald. Everyday more of my hair comes out whether it is from my head or other parts of my body.
One thing cancer has shown me is who is really there for you when you need them. Who goes that extra step just to make sure that you are alright. Friends whom I believed would of been there are not and those that I would not expect have gone that extra mile that I will never forget. One evening I was down and feeling sorry for myself I called a friend and even though she was swamped with work, stressed over no sleep, etc. she put her shit down and focused on me. She brought my spirits back up where they need to be and I need that from time to time. I have another friend whom i thought would walk through fire for me and when I called her she told me she had to call me back because she was with her new boyfriend. During this past month she has acted like I am well and it bothers me. I know people deal with news differently, but I draw my line at a month with few contacts.
My mom lost her dad to cancer last year and right now her mom is in hospice and she has to deal with me. I can't say she is the best supporter for me, but I do believe she is doing the best she can. I am appalled that no on in my family as sent me a card, email or a phone call except for my mom and one of my aunts. I think my distance is what makes people deal with my cancer better becasue if they don't see me and the way I look, then I am fine in their eyes. I just want focus on my two girls right now. They are the ones who have to deal with me being how I am and their dad leaving tomorrow until who knows when for the army. My girls are the strong ones in this, they are the ones who have to deal with sadness on both ends and do not really have anyone to turn to. My girls are my heros through this and my strength. If they can get up everyday and face what they have to, then I can too.
I have noticed that during my times of being comatose (which is alot now), I have memories that come out of nowhere. I grew up wealthy before the floor was taken out from under my dad for reasons that I am not going to go into. We had a houseboat that we would go to every weekend and during this time, my brother, Shannon would be nice to me. He is 4 years older than me and we never got along outside this houseboat. At night, he would take me out on his blow up boat and we would float in our cove and watch the stars and talk. I was only like 7 then, but this memory keeps coming back to me. The floating sensation and how happy I was to be hanging with Shannon. It is a soothing memory for me.
My husband bought me a beautiful leather bound journal for my journey, but I will update my blog when exciting things happen or for that first experience of going out in public bald. I still don't know if I can do it, but I don't want to where a wig. I have cancer and I want to embrace it and show that you are still a human being and there is nothing to be ashamed of.
One thing cancer has shown me is who is really there for you when you need them. Who goes that extra step just to make sure that you are alright. Friends whom I believed would of been there are not and those that I would not expect have gone that extra mile that I will never forget. One evening I was down and feeling sorry for myself I called a friend and even though she was swamped with work, stressed over no sleep, etc. she put her shit down and focused on me. She brought my spirits back up where they need to be and I need that from time to time. I have another friend whom i thought would walk through fire for me and when I called her she told me she had to call me back because she was with her new boyfriend. During this past month she has acted like I am well and it bothers me. I know people deal with news differently, but I draw my line at a month with few contacts.
My mom lost her dad to cancer last year and right now her mom is in hospice and she has to deal with me. I can't say she is the best supporter for me, but I do believe she is doing the best she can. I am appalled that no on in my family as sent me a card, email or a phone call except for my mom and one of my aunts. I think my distance is what makes people deal with my cancer better becasue if they don't see me and the way I look, then I am fine in their eyes. I just want focus on my two girls right now. They are the ones who have to deal with me being how I am and their dad leaving tomorrow until who knows when for the army. My girls are the strong ones in this, they are the ones who have to deal with sadness on both ends and do not really have anyone to turn to. My girls are my heros through this and my strength. If they can get up everyday and face what they have to, then I can too.
I have noticed that during my times of being comatose (which is alot now), I have memories that come out of nowhere. I grew up wealthy before the floor was taken out from under my dad for reasons that I am not going to go into. We had a houseboat that we would go to every weekend and during this time, my brother, Shannon would be nice to me. He is 4 years older than me and we never got along outside this houseboat. At night, he would take me out on his blow up boat and we would float in our cove and watch the stars and talk. I was only like 7 then, but this memory keeps coming back to me. The floating sensation and how happy I was to be hanging with Shannon. It is a soothing memory for me.
My husband bought me a beautiful leather bound journal for my journey, but I will update my blog when exciting things happen or for that first experience of going out in public bald. I still don't know if I can do it, but I don't want to where a wig. I have cancer and I want to embrace it and show that you are still a human being and there is nothing to be ashamed of.
Friday, December 7, 2007
First week of Chemo done!!!!!!
Today was great. Had more snow and the girls had another snow day, but the roads were better than Wednesday. At the hospital I sat next to the window which is away from people and it was so boring! I noticed my psychological problems acted more today too with no one to keep my mind of things. I felt great till the last half hour which I think is normal for me. Then, I start to cloud up and feel overwhelmenly tired.
Tonight I just feel bloated and icky. My kids are not helping any because they keep fighting and I keep telling them to chill and they are just all over each other. I guess my husband has set up a party tomorrow night which should be exciting to me since I will probably just be a bump on the couch, but it will be nice to see people so I will not look down on it.
My eyelashes began falling out this morning and now my eyes are constantly watering and burning. My nose hairs are falling out too which is making snot just drain from my face. Great visual, huh. If you read this and are healthy, appreciate it, because this is crap that I thought I could handle, but I can tell when more of my hair falls out or if I do become sicker, it is going to be a difficult process to deal with. Especially with Steve leaving back to Iraq this week.
Tonight I just feel bloated and icky. My kids are not helping any because they keep fighting and I keep telling them to chill and they are just all over each other. I guess my husband has set up a party tomorrow night which should be exciting to me since I will probably just be a bump on the couch, but it will be nice to see people so I will not look down on it.
My eyelashes began falling out this morning and now my eyes are constantly watering and burning. My nose hairs are falling out too which is making snot just drain from my face. Great visual, huh. If you read this and are healthy, appreciate it, because this is crap that I thought I could handle, but I can tell when more of my hair falls out or if I do become sicker, it is going to be a difficult process to deal with. Especially with Steve leaving back to Iraq this week.
Chemo day 3
Today has begun on a bumpy road to say the least. Have you ever felt that “unknown” feeling but could not quite put your finger on it? Times that by 1000 and that is how I felt this morning. Last night I could not sleep and as soon as I did fall asleep, my dogs started barking at nothing and woke me up. I could not sleep after that. This morning I could not keep my balance, I felt like shit and I just wanted to crawl in a hole and skip today’s treatment. Positive note, it snowed A LOT this morning and our 4 acres of woods looked beautiful.
Driving in this morning was exciting. Our roads were not even cleared and my husband drove in first gear for the hour or so. The closer we got to Columbus, the better the roads, so luckily we did not wreck. I just felt strange this morning. Was not nauseated or had any pain but I was so light headed and I felt floaty and emotional. I was just crying and crying. I was not me. I sat in my chair and just bawled like a baby and could not figure out why. The RN for my doctor came down and took me into a room for me to let all this emotion out and talk. My husband does not like to talk about the big C word so I have to keep my emotions bottled at the house. I don’t think he means anything negative about it, but I know it has to be hard seeing someone you love deteriorate right in front of their eyes. But I would take this illness before my kids or my husband because I know I am strong and can do it…minus a few emotional breakdowns.
Anyways, once I was back in the room with the RN she wanted me to speak my mind and I did and I felt so much better afterwards. I am angry that I am sick and on restrictions for everything that I love. I can’t hike, play in the snow, bake cookies without feeling like I am going to sleep, etc. Boy do I want to go sledding, but with this PIK in, that would not be a smart thing to do. I am angry that my husband is going back to Iraq next week and his unit is not allowing him to stay home. That is huge for me because now that I know what I am up against, I know I need help and I am not going to have any after this week. I just don’t understand why the army, who use to say family first, is now putting family last. It sucks. I don’t want him to go and would be poor and homeless just to have him be my support through this. The RN offered a home nurse, but that is not the same as my baby boy. He even offered to his unit to stay after their unit comes home just so he doesn’t have to leave me. People tell me that I will not be given more than I can handle, but this is ridiculous and I feel that I am not being given a break. I think that once Steve is home for good till I get better, if that happens, I will feel much more positive. Just talking about it to the RN helped my psychological state out tremdensley.
My girls had a snow day today and are up in the art room here making ceiling tiles for this cancer room. I think that is cool that my girls mark will be here as long as the building is and it just opened. I feel much better and have one hour left before going home. I guess they are taking me off steroids to see if it helps my mood swings and sleeplessness any. Have to pee again. You are filled with so much fluid, you pee every 15 minutes. It is worse than pregnancy. Another thing I notice here is that I am the youngest. I have seen two women that looked my age, but chemo makes you age, I look 10 years older than I did last week, so who knows. I am strong and can handle this. BRING IT ON!!!!
Last night went well or better than the night before. I fell asleep on the couch and woke up at 5am then fell back to sleep and woke up at 7am. I felt nauseated this morning and took the pill which made me feel better, but then I had to take a steroid pill that made me feel sick again. Anyways, when we drove up last night, there was 7 inches of snow on the ground and it looked beautiful! I am taking all this beauty and soaking it in.
Driving in this morning was exciting. Our roads were not even cleared and my husband drove in first gear for the hour or so. The closer we got to Columbus, the better the roads, so luckily we did not wreck. I just felt strange this morning. Was not nauseated or had any pain but I was so light headed and I felt floaty and emotional. I was just crying and crying. I was not me. I sat in my chair and just bawled like a baby and could not figure out why. The RN for my doctor came down and took me into a room for me to let all this emotion out and talk. My husband does not like to talk about the big C word so I have to keep my emotions bottled at the house. I don’t think he means anything negative about it, but I know it has to be hard seeing someone you love deteriorate right in front of their eyes. But I would take this illness before my kids or my husband because I know I am strong and can do it…minus a few emotional breakdowns.
Anyways, once I was back in the room with the RN she wanted me to speak my mind and I did and I felt so much better afterwards. I am angry that I am sick and on restrictions for everything that I love. I can’t hike, play in the snow, bake cookies without feeling like I am going to sleep, etc. Boy do I want to go sledding, but with this PIK in, that would not be a smart thing to do. I am angry that my husband is going back to Iraq next week and his unit is not allowing him to stay home. That is huge for me because now that I know what I am up against, I know I need help and I am not going to have any after this week. I just don’t understand why the army, who use to say family first, is now putting family last. It sucks. I don’t want him to go and would be poor and homeless just to have him be my support through this. The RN offered a home nurse, but that is not the same as my baby boy. He even offered to his unit to stay after their unit comes home just so he doesn’t have to leave me. People tell me that I will not be given more than I can handle, but this is ridiculous and I feel that I am not being given a break. I think that once Steve is home for good till I get better, if that happens, I will feel much more positive. Just talking about it to the RN helped my psychological state out tremdensley.
My girls had a snow day today and are up in the art room here making ceiling tiles for this cancer room. I think that is cool that my girls mark will be here as long as the building is and it just opened. I feel much better and have one hour left before going home. I guess they are taking me off steroids to see if it helps my mood swings and sleeplessness any. Have to pee again. You are filled with so much fluid, you pee every 15 minutes. It is worse than pregnancy. Another thing I notice here is that I am the youngest. I have seen two women that looked my age, but chemo makes you age, I look 10 years older than I did last week, so who knows. I am strong and can handle this. BRING IT ON!!!!
Last night went well or better than the night before. I fell asleep on the couch and woke up at 5am then fell back to sleep and woke up at 7am. I felt nauseated this morning and took the pill which made me feel better, but then I had to take a steroid pill that made me feel sick again. Anyways, when we drove up last night, there was 7 inches of snow on the ground and it looked beautiful! I am taking all this beauty and soaking it in.
Chemo day 4
Spoke some earlier of my morning of twisted tummy trouble so I won’t go on anymore about that. Tomorrow is my last day of constant chemo for 2 weeks, which is too exciting. More of my hair is falling out, along with my bloating and skin coloring I am sexy. They actually make shirts that says chemobrain that I have to get because I have it BAD!
I met a woman today who is my age and has cancer all over her. She had both her breasts removed along with her ovaries. She is on her third dose of chemo in so many years and is now on a breathing machine. She is so funny and has such a great personality that her fighting spirit gives me inspiration. She is shopping now on the little internet computer they have at each cubical. Telling me her story and what she has gone through with surgeries, healing, more surgeries, more chemo… I will suck up and drive on with my issues. It is a real experience that have been shown to me. I met two other older people today who have been battling cancer for years and are beating it. They, too, have great personalities and just felt horrible that I have to go through this at such a young age. I am just thankful that it was caught early and have a big chance at surviving it will no chance of recurrence.
We had some humor today. It is nice getting those sarcastic people like me in here to make the time go by quicker. One of the patients told the nurses that they pump us up with fluid on purpose to watch all of us migrate to the bathroom with our eyes bugging out. Then they started talking like a golf announcer while people were going to the bathroom. It was funny, but I guess you have to be here.
I have 25 minutes left then I am out. I started feeling better again about an hour ago. I think my mornings are just going to suck and I am going to have to work through that. I found out that Steve is going back to Iraq on Thursday and I have to deal with that. I am just shocked that the Army will not let him stay with me during treatments. I also found out that there is not a closer hospital that has room to take me so I am stuck driving the 2 hours to Columbus which is icky. I can probably drive here fine, but driving home is where I am going to be nervous. About an hour from here my eyes fog up briefly and I can not see. I do not feel comfortable driving if my eyes are doing that. I don’t know what I am going to do being alone and have to deal with all this, but it will work out somehow and I will move on.
I met a woman today who is my age and has cancer all over her. She had both her breasts removed along with her ovaries. She is on her third dose of chemo in so many years and is now on a breathing machine. She is so funny and has such a great personality that her fighting spirit gives me inspiration. She is shopping now on the little internet computer they have at each cubical. Telling me her story and what she has gone through with surgeries, healing, more surgeries, more chemo… I will suck up and drive on with my issues. It is a real experience that have been shown to me. I met two other older people today who have been battling cancer for years and are beating it. They, too, have great personalities and just felt horrible that I have to go through this at such a young age. I am just thankful that it was caught early and have a big chance at surviving it will no chance of recurrence.
We had some humor today. It is nice getting those sarcastic people like me in here to make the time go by quicker. One of the patients told the nurses that they pump us up with fluid on purpose to watch all of us migrate to the bathroom with our eyes bugging out. Then they started talking like a golf announcer while people were going to the bathroom. It was funny, but I guess you have to be here.
I have 25 minutes left then I am out. I started feeling better again about an hour ago. I think my mornings are just going to suck and I am going to have to work through that. I found out that Steve is going back to Iraq on Thursday and I have to deal with that. I am just shocked that the Army will not let him stay with me during treatments. I also found out that there is not a closer hospital that has room to take me so I am stuck driving the 2 hours to Columbus which is icky. I can probably drive here fine, but driving home is where I am going to be nervous. About an hour from here my eyes fog up briefly and I can not see. I do not feel comfortable driving if my eyes are doing that. I don’t know what I am going to do being alone and have to deal with all this, but it will work out somehow and I will move on.
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Day 2 Chemotherapy
I woke up this morning feeling great. I was rested and went right in to my yogo routine. I had a positive outlook that if I felt this good in the morning, I will take a crappy night now and again. Today I am getting a pik line in. This is a permanent IV that is slide through the vein so I won’t get stuck anymore. Then I get another 4 hours of Chemo! Yea me!
I know you want read about my pik line experience so I won’t keep that from you. It was not bad at all. The thought of having a foreign object in me was a little creepy, but the nurse that did it was awesome and I did not feel anything. Not even the shot. Yes, you get numbing shots then I did not watch the rest, but the procedure lasts about 30 minutes and they take an x-ray to make sure that line is not going into the heart and you are done. Since I had time on my hands, I went ahead and had a living will made and power of attorney, which I think is good to do at any age.
Today at chemo was better. I am getting my third type of med today called Bleomycin which they did a test on my arm to check for allergies and it stung like a bee sting. I have not been in that much pain since birth. Well maybe sooner than that, but who knows, I do have a pretty high pain tolerance which I thank the pit bull for that almost took my life back in 1999. Anywho, that nausa med snuck up on me again and made me dizzy, but did not last long. All other meds so far are fine. I have the icky med going in me right now and I have not had the reaction that I had yesterday, so I am thankful to that. I just sit in this chair for 4 hours and stare at people. They do not even have tv's in here. It is sooooo boring!!!! I am still enjoying my energy and waiting for it to go away. Getting chemo all this week, I am sure by Saturday I will be wiped out. I have that new med going in, in about a half hour or so, so let’s see what effects I have from that. J I hate being a hypochondriac, but maybe in the long run it is good.
Just after one day I am already LOSING MY HAIR! And I am bloated in the face from the steroids, so I look weird, but actually I don’t care as much as I thought I would. I am fighting for my life right now for my kids so I don’t care what people think.
Home now and feeling fine. I made dinner and have the energy to post tonight. I hope I have more nights like this and less of the bad ones. We are getting our first snow storm of the season tonight, which I find exciting. I just hope that I can make it to my appointment tomorrow. If anything happens then I will post about it tomorrow.
I know you want read about my pik line experience so I won’t keep that from you. It was not bad at all. The thought of having a foreign object in me was a little creepy, but the nurse that did it was awesome and I did not feel anything. Not even the shot. Yes, you get numbing shots then I did not watch the rest, but the procedure lasts about 30 minutes and they take an x-ray to make sure that line is not going into the heart and you are done. Since I had time on my hands, I went ahead and had a living will made and power of attorney, which I think is good to do at any age.
Today at chemo was better. I am getting my third type of med today called Bleomycin which they did a test on my arm to check for allergies and it stung like a bee sting. I have not been in that much pain since birth. Well maybe sooner than that, but who knows, I do have a pretty high pain tolerance which I thank the pit bull for that almost took my life back in 1999. Anywho, that nausa med snuck up on me again and made me dizzy, but did not last long. All other meds so far are fine. I have the icky med going in me right now and I have not had the reaction that I had yesterday, so I am thankful to that. I just sit in this chair for 4 hours and stare at people. They do not even have tv's in here. It is sooooo boring!!!! I am still enjoying my energy and waiting for it to go away. Getting chemo all this week, I am sure by Saturday I will be wiped out. I have that new med going in, in about a half hour or so, so let’s see what effects I have from that. J I hate being a hypochondriac, but maybe in the long run it is good.
Just after one day I am already LOSING MY HAIR! And I am bloated in the face from the steroids, so I look weird, but actually I don’t care as much as I thought I would. I am fighting for my life right now for my kids so I don’t care what people think.
Home now and feeling fine. I made dinner and have the energy to post tonight. I hope I have more nights like this and less of the bad ones. We are getting our first snow storm of the season tonight, which I find exciting. I just hope that I can make it to my appointment tomorrow. If anything happens then I will post about it tomorrow.
Day 1 Chemotherapy
I began walking into this large open room with hundreds of chairs in individual cubby holes with IV stands sitting next to them. I sat down and my nurse named Ivy came over to introduce herself and begin her speech on what drugs I am getting and how long they will be administered. Then she looked for veins for my IV and of course could not find any b/c it is so freaking cold here and I just came in from the chill. Finally she found a vein on the side of my arm and put the needle in and began two different nausa meds. One is Ondansetron and the other is Dexamethasone Sodium Phosphate. The Dex one makes you dizzy every once in a while and you can’t focus on anything. It freaked me out, but it passed after a minute or so. 30 minutes later the Cisplatin was administered and it takes two hours. I am a hypochondriac at heart so I was thinking the worse when this began in my arm because my nerves were so high, I was having chest pains and panic attacks, but actually this med was nice to me. It makes you pee because it will damage kidneys if you don’t pee a lot. I drank lots of water and juice on top of the fluids just to flush my system. I had kidney pain while I peed, but as the night went on, the pain subsided. The last one hour med they gave me was Etoposide. This med sucks. It drains you while you are sitting in the chair. I don’t know what happened, but I was sitting watching a movie on my laptop and I got sweaty and my heart began racing and I just felt like I was going to pass out. Ivy came and told me it was my nerves and she turned it off for a while until my heart rate fell. When she turned it back on, I was fine. I still think I don’t like it much.
Driving home, I felt like I was in a different world. I could think straight and I just felt out of it. My husband ended up getting lost and my concentrating on where to go for him actually helped me snap out of it. Once home, I cooked dinner fine and then it just hit me. I was so tired and was comatose on the couch. I went to brush my teeth and lay down and then I felt like I was going to be sick so I jumped back up and ran to the bathroom. I didn’t, but I began aching and my pelvic region just throbbed. I cried, not for any particular reason, but I felt this was day 1 and I can feel myself crumbling, I can’t imagine what the next 2 months are going to be like. I will keep a positive attitude the best I can and will deal with this and take it as a learning experience if I am cured after ward.
Driving home, I felt like I was in a different world. I could think straight and I just felt out of it. My husband ended up getting lost and my concentrating on where to go for him actually helped me snap out of it. Once home, I cooked dinner fine and then it just hit me. I was so tired and was comatose on the couch. I went to brush my teeth and lay down and then I felt like I was going to be sick so I jumped back up and ran to the bathroom. I didn’t, but I began aching and my pelvic region just throbbed. I cried, not for any particular reason, but I felt this was day 1 and I can feel myself crumbling, I can’t imagine what the next 2 months are going to be like. I will keep a positive attitude the best I can and will deal with this and take it as a learning experience if I am cured after ward.
Sunday, December 2, 2007
Road life takes you can change in 3 seconds
November 13th of 2007, I was told that my left ovary had to be taken out because of a possible ectopic pregnancy. I was so scared going to the surgery center by myself and sitting in this huge dark room where everyone had someone with them but me. (My husband was in Iraq at the time waiting to fly home, but my surgery was bumped up a week do to complications.) 2pm, the nurses began inserting meds in me as I lay naked on the surgery table with nothing on but this hideous gown and I was asleep.
I woke at 5:30pm with this feeling of being strangled and all I could hear was the doctor telling me to breathe. She began telling me while I was still dilarious as to where I am that the ovary had to be taken out by C-section and there was not a baby in it but a grapefruit size mass that resembled cottage cheese. She said there was nothing to worry about, that more than likely it was benign and I would be fine.
11am on November 14th, another doctor came into my hospital room to explain what was done to me the day before and what was found. In three seconds my life went from hope to despair when she told me I had ovarian cancer. Me? I am 31 years old, a vegetarian and active. I can't have this because I have two small girls and a husband deployed. Needless to say, I hyperventilated for about 5 minutes as this doctor stood next to me starring at me like she was shocked I would act this way. The nurse on duty drugged me with Valium and Percocet so I would chill and not rip the staples from my new incision.
Jumping to today December 2nd, I now know I have a rare Germ Cell Tumor that is usually only found in male testes. Tomorrow I begin an aggressive Chemo treatment where I have to undergo Chemo every day for the first 5 days then once a week for two weeks and then the cycle starts over for 4 cycles. It sucks because I am still in denial and am still wanting this to be a mistake. Cancer does not run in my family anywhere and I have made several life changes through the past 2 years to keep this from happening. My husband is home from Iraq now, but the reserve unit he is with is not allowing him to stay with me through treatments. We are currently fighting this through outside sources so he can be with me, but it does not look promising. I just want to be able to function for my girls and be as well as can be expected through this.
I woke at 5:30pm with this feeling of being strangled and all I could hear was the doctor telling me to breathe. She began telling me while I was still dilarious as to where I am that the ovary had to be taken out by C-section and there was not a baby in it but a grapefruit size mass that resembled cottage cheese. She said there was nothing to worry about, that more than likely it was benign and I would be fine.
11am on November 14th, another doctor came into my hospital room to explain what was done to me the day before and what was found. In three seconds my life went from hope to despair when she told me I had ovarian cancer. Me? I am 31 years old, a vegetarian and active. I can't have this because I have two small girls and a husband deployed. Needless to say, I hyperventilated for about 5 minutes as this doctor stood next to me starring at me like she was shocked I would act this way. The nurse on duty drugged me with Valium and Percocet so I would chill and not rip the staples from my new incision.
Jumping to today December 2nd, I now know I have a rare Germ Cell Tumor that is usually only found in male testes. Tomorrow I begin an aggressive Chemo treatment where I have to undergo Chemo every day for the first 5 days then once a week for two weeks and then the cycle starts over for 4 cycles. It sucks because I am still in denial and am still wanting this to be a mistake. Cancer does not run in my family anywhere and I have made several life changes through the past 2 years to keep this from happening. My husband is home from Iraq now, but the reserve unit he is with is not allowing him to stay with me through treatments. We are currently fighting this through outside sources so he can be with me, but it does not look promising. I just want to be able to function for my girls and be as well as can be expected through this.
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