Deja vu

Had a mysterious pain in my right ovary and went yesterday to have it checked out. I have a 8cm mass in it and have to have emergency surgery to remove this mass and to have a total hysterectomy. The interesting part to this is my gynocologist and onocologist are arguing over who should do this surgery. While they do this, this mass is continuing to be painful and growing. My onocologist is confident it is not cancerous and wants teh gyno to do the surgery, but my gyno is scared to do the surgery and would feel more confident if my onocologist would do it. On top of this, my onocologist is out of the office for the next couple of weeks due to a death. I just went to the 6 month appointment on May 20th and everything checked out fine. I did have a 5cm solid mass, but my onocologist feels that it is just scare tissue. Can we talk pain? Wow! this is menstral cramps x 100. I was offered pain meds, but I do not even like taking tylonel. Pain makes me feel alive and aware of what is happening to me, so if I don't have to have the meds, I won't take them.

Doing this all over again makes me think of death. I know, it is morbid, but you can't turn away from this possibility. I am trying to talk to steve about it, but he keeps telling me not to talk about it. IF something would happen, I do not feel comfortable being cremated and sprinkled in the "family" plot. This sounds stupid, but I want steve to fall in love again and having me in the "plot" seems akward. I know my girls will always be mine and needs a place to visit, but I am stuck on where to be sprinkled. I always get morbid before surgery, but I am not ready to leave this world quite yet. I have to annoy my girls for at least 50 more years...... :)