joy of anal cleansing

Went to the GI doctor Monday and he wanted to do a colonoscopy on Wednesday so today I cleansed. 11am drank this nasty fizzy stuff and have not left the toilet since. Writing this I am going back and forth and it is almost 11pm. After talking to a few healthcare professionals I decided to cancel the appointment around 4pm today b/c I don't feel I have Crohn's disease and that is what he wanted to check. This doctor took no history, no blood and stated that he wants to do the colonoscopy then if it isn't Crohn's he will just give me meds for IBS. the more I thought about it and the fact my visit that probably cost as much as my car payment lasted less than 5 minutes, I decided to scrap it. Of course now I am paying for it since I can't stop going to the bathroom. I 'm sure you're glad I am writing about my bowel movements. Hey, I have one clean colon right now.

Swine flu has finally hit my girls schools. Of course they are not getting vaccinated till November so if they get the flu now, will they even need the vaccine? Are you immune to it once you have it? I can't find the seasonal flu shot for me anywhere. I have never had a flu shot before but since I have had chemo in the past, I thought I would do it, but now I can't find it. Figures. I just hope this panic soon fades and we can start living again without fear and face masks. I told my husband, I feel like we live in a sci fi movie, but without all the cool costumes.

Another round?

Four weeks ago my husband came home from employment which was a happy day. He got out of going to Iraq for now but is set to leave for Afghanistan in April with another unit. Summer was stressful with him gone, the fear that I was going to become sick with cancer again, the kids having depression and just dealing with him over there made days long even if he was just in New Jersey for training. Luckily, he is home, the mission is cancelled and this chapter is behind us for now.

The day I picked him up at the airport, I was feeling bloated, gassy and pooping everywhere. I thought it was the flu, though I was not running a fever. The next week, still feeling this way, I went to my doctor and she stated it was IBS and for me to change my diet but she did not refer me to another doctor or do any tests. Week three, I was still bloated, not able to eat and was uncomfortable so I went to my gynocologist. She agreed it sounded like IBS and referred to a GI doctor, which I go to Monday. While I was there, she did an ultrasound, I HAVE ANOTHER MASS ON MY OTHER OVARY. Do I have ovarian cancer again? Why didn't they just take this ovary out when I was under the first time? A few days later, I was up at my onocologist and he is trying to convince me that it isn't cancer and that I should live life like I have never had cancer before. How do you do this? I have a mass and less than 2 years ago I was undergoing chemo, so how can i just blow it off?

This week I went in for an ultrasound which shows that I have a mass, I got the blood work done, but have not heard anything. Hopefully this is a good sign. I have to get another ultrasound in 4 weeks to see the growth of the mass. Just like last time. I hope I do not have go through surgery and treatment again, but I do know I want to live, I want to annoy the crap out of my kids for another 100 years at least, so I will fight. A plus is I am losing weight finally, I am sure this probably isn't a good sign, but I have been trying to lose weight for 9 years with no success. Around 10 pounds a week right now. Cancer....the new weight loss program, mmmmm?

Has it really been that long since last post?

March was my year mark and all scans have come back good. :) I am preparing to do relay for life. Since I am the only parent in my girls school to have had cancer, I guess I am the lead fundraiser in thier eyes. I do not mind, hey I get a free T-shirt. See cancer has perks!

I have found out that since chemo I now have a damaged heart valve from the chemo which will not get better, but I have to make sure that it does not get worse. I am suppose to stay away from hard drugs and loose weight. Damn! I am such the addict, j/k. I have the joy of permenate chest pains so hopefully I don't have a heart attack b/c I wouldn't know the difference.

I have started substitute teaching which is fun. Not what I thought I would be doing with my degree, since it is in gerontology, but it is a job. I started my master's in gerontology which I am finding to be harder completing working full time. I have full respect for those who do it all, I am still learning.

Over the weekend a dear friend of mine passed away from cancer. It has opened my eyes again to do a check over my choices I am making. I am finding that I am starting to put my cancer behind me and falling back into my old routines of doing too much and not taking care of myself. I find myself stressed again and wondering how I am going to get everything done. Hearing my friends death has brought me back to a level that I need to appreciate what I have and not care so much of the little things. It will get done. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but it will. I need to say no and stop trying to please everyone. I need to start putting myself first again so I do not get sick again. My friend was a survivor, she was so funny. No matter how bad my treatments were, I would open a letter from her and crack up. When I went into remission, she continued her battle. With no insurance, doctors tossed her aside but she fought for chemo, radiation and what ever else that could by her time. She was only suppose to live 6 months and it turned into 15 months. I will miss our letters back and forth that we have done until 3 weeks ago, I will miss her sick humor that I related to, but I will keep her bravery with me and her courage. She is a wonderful role model and will be truly missed.

Thanks for listening

It is cold!!!

This weekend we are having temps that are like -20 without the windchill. Our backdoor was frozen shut! Our sunroom has no heat going to it and the floors around the walls are ice, it is crazy!!! Tomorrow my husband and friends are actually going hunting, I do not think deer would be dumb enough to be roaming but who knows. I am not a deer.

Judging from not writing, I am doing good. My last appointment in December faired well. My doc said my counts are rising, but he did not schedule a scan till March so I am assuming it is nothing to worry about. I feel well and so to me that is all that matters. He said he wants to make sure my cancer isn't spreading. I don't know, it doesn't make since. My afp was 32. He asked if I would mind having another surgery to have a total hysterectomy. My question was why wasn't this done in the first place. He said that b/c my insurance would not pay for removal of good organs. Whatever.

I graduated in November and am now pursuing my Master's in Gerontology and Death and Dying. My biggest fear is death, so why not study it. I can not find work in this area, not even retail positions, so I am back volunteering. I am doing an adopt an elderly program and soup kitchen. I am also back at hospice but the social worker there still does not want me to work with clients. I don't know what she is expecting to happen to me. I can not take away the fact that I had cancer. I am doing clerical stuff there. I am also looking into volunteering in the cancer ward at our hospital. I like to kept busy, I guess that is not changing with me but I am more picky about what I do. I want to volunteer in positions that is related to my major and master's.

My next appointment is March 6th for a CAT scan. I pray everything is dandy and I can put this behind me for now.

Be well and talk soon