Sailing the sea of cheese

Lovin' Fall

2010-10-22T15:21:00.000-07:00

It has been a while sense I blogged so I am giving an update. My TAH was June 14th and I still have pain in the incision area when I exercise, so I of course ceased that. :) I do not feel any different without hormones. I am on Premarian, but it does not make me feel fancy or anything. I am light headed more often now than before surgery and hope that one day I feel "good". The mass that was takin out of me had the same make up of my tumor, but it was not malignant. This freaks me out on so many levels because my cancer was not suppose to come back and it did. I am wondering where it will strike next. I have my check up in a couple weeks with my onocologist since I am back on every 3 months. I have a new job that keeps me busy working as a case manager through a school district, I like it and want to be around to enjoy working for years to come. Sense the surgery I feel depressed more, but am trying to constantly look at the positive. When i tell people my story, I always get the reaction "Why aren't you depressed?" Never thought about it, I have always been thankful to be alive and found being depressed a waste of time, but now with no hormones I am depressed. Crazy! I was kept for a reason, so I hope I am on the right road because I can not take another surgery or chemo again. I just want a normal, boring life! :)

Still Recovering (2 weeks post-op from TAH)

2010-07-02T12:24:00.000-07:00

I am in the latter part of my 2 weeks from my hysterectomy and it stinks. I do not feel any better from before my ovary was out and now I have horrid menopause symptoms to deal with on top of that. I have headaches, dizziness, hot flashes, dry skin, ringing in my ears and massive insomnia. My doctor does not believe in hormone treatment so I am just living one minute at a time. I have been drinking soy and taking flax, but do not know what else to do. My incision is healing nice, but I still have discomfort and swelling in my belly. I found that the mass in my ovary had the same mix as my cancerous ovary, but it was still benign. Thank goodness! I just want to know if my symptoms are going to improve or are they going to get worse? Honestly, if I knew then what I know now, I probably would have tried harder saving that ovary, but I know that I would of had to have this surgery at some point in my life and at least it is behind me.

My friends are coming in for the Fourth and we are going to catch up since I am still on orders to not do anything drastic. I am able to hang wih my dogs so that is a positive perk. My next post will be more positive because I hope these symptoms will be in my past. I HOPE!

Done with surgery, now it is recovery

2010-06-17T09:41:00.000-07:00

Surgery went will I guess. My doctor decided against my past c-section scare and cut me up and down my stomach for an added touch. My incisions do not hurt, but the gas is very uncomfortable. I have been walking and it does not seem to do much. Today is 3 days post op and I finally farted. Yes, I had a mini celebration, but I know I still have a long road ahead of me. My staples come out in two weeks. They checked my ovary in the hospital and it was benign but samples were sent out and I won't find that out until tomorrow. My doc is not worried. Hopefully, this will be it and I can live a boring life from now till I am 100. Thank you for all your thoughts and now just think of me pooping and farting to get my intestines back to normal. :)

Another surgery approaching

2010-06-10T16:38:00.000-07:00

I hate being put under, but who does? I have my hysterectomy surgery on Monday the 14th in Columbus which is 2 hours away. Sunday I have to cleanse my bowels. I did not have to do that with my last ovary removal. Sounds fun. I just hope that I will finally feel better getting the other ovary gone and all my other female parts. Supposively my tumor markers were normal, so this should not lead into chemo, but my onocologist is doing the procedure, so that makes me wonder. Currently, I am bloated and in some mild pain due to the enlarged ovary. I had to fill out one of those sheets about allegies and past surgeries, it is intimidating. They have to tell you everything that could go wrong and I hate that, so know I am thinking this is it, my life was short and I have not accomplished much. Hopefully, the man upstairs will keep me around to see my girls grow, get married and hopefully not have to deal with all these female issues I am having. I have looked into nursing and am going to finish my master's in criminology this fall and go into the program from there. With my exprience in cancer, chemo and surgeries, I should do well in that job market. :) I will let everyone know how surgery goes. If it goes like last time, I will be up and walking the halls that evening against doctors orders, I am good at not listening. :)

Deja vu

2010-06-02T09:03:00.000-07:00

Had a mysterious pain in my right ovary and went yesterday to have it checked out. I have a 8cm mass in it and have to have emergency surgery to remove this mass and to have a total hysterectomy. The interesting part to this is my gynocologist and onocologist are arguing over who should do this surgery. While they do this, this mass is continuing to be painful and growing. My onocologist is confident it is not cancerous and wants teh gyno to do the surgery, but my gyno is scared to do the surgery and would feel more confident if my onocologist would do it. On top of this, my onocologist is out of the office for the next couple of weeks due to a death. I just went to the 6 month appointment on May 20th and everything checked out fine. I did have a 5cm solid mass, but my onocologist feels that it is just scare tissue. Can we talk pain? Wow! this is menstral cramps x 100. I was offered pain meds, but I do not even like taking tylonel. Pain makes me feel alive and aware of what is happening to me, so if I don't have to have the meds, I won't take them.

Doing this all over again makes me think of death. I know, it is morbid, but you can't turn away from this possibility. I am trying to talk to steve about it, but he keeps telling me not to talk about it. IF something would happen, I do not feel comfortable being cremated and sprinkled in the "family" plot. This sounds stupid, but I want steve to fall in love again and having me in the "plot" seems akward. I know my girls will always be mine and needs a place to visit, but I am stuck on where to be sprinkled. I always get morbid before surgery, but I am not ready to leave this world quite yet. I have to annoy my girls for at least 50 more years...... :)

Y do people suck?

2010-04-26T16:03:00.000-07:00

I have been cancer free about 2 years and have my 6 month check up on May 20th. I work as a home health aide and am almost complete with my master's in criminal justice. Today at work I came in to get a new care plan for a client and my supervisor wanted to speak privately with me. I had a client assigned to me last week and out of 4 visits this person cancelled twice. This woman is in her 50's and has fibromylasia. Today she said she did not want a visit so I left. When my supervisor called her to see what was up she stated that I harped on having cancer and that I did not want to do anything. This client stated that I would not give her a shower! First of all, I do not harp on anything and I do not talk of my past unless it comes up. My agency recently did a full page spread on my life and it is noted that I am a cancer survivor. My supervisor told me that if I told anyone else about my cancer past that I can find a new job. What? Isn't that discrimination? I am not ashamed of my diagnosis and am pretty damn proud that I survived. If someone wants to know my history I am not going to lie about it. Someone in my agency thought my story may bring hope to our clients so why can't I share my story? It is not like I go in and say Ha, Ha, I survived and you are dying of the disease. I am a damn good worker and go over the hill and through the woods for my clients no matter the diagnosis. I feel my supervisor is ashamed of me. As for this client, I was down on my knees and scrubbed her kitchen floor, did two loads of laundry, dusted, disinfected her house, vacuumed and made her bed along with changing her sheets. As for the shower, she did not want me to touch her, so what was I suppose to do. I hate that she threw personal information back in my face b/c the client did not get her way. Shame on my supervisor thinking I would stoop that low as to throw a diagnosis that happened TWO years ago in a clients face and not take care of them. I hate people today and I actually feel ashamed of myself for having cancer. I did not have the choice to not have it, so why should I feel this bad? I am an optimistic, happy person and grow from my adventures and I am not going to stop sharing my story if it will help another in coping with a loved one with a devasting illness.

For anyone who may read this and yes it is a rant, but I do have a question. After having such extensive chemotherapy, are long term side effects normal? I still have digestion issues, which my doctor says it may be IBS, I have no short term memory and I have little damage to my left valve of my heart. Can someone share their story with me and tell me if this is from chemo or am I just getting old?

joy of anal cleansing

2009-10-20T19:39:00.000-07:00

Went to the GI doctor Monday and he wanted to do a colonoscopy on Wednesday so today I cleansed. 11am drank this nasty fizzy stuff and have not left the toilet since. Writing this I am going back and forth and it is almost 11pm. After talking to a few healthcare professionals I decided to cancel the appointment around 4pm today b/c I don't feel I have Crohn's disease and that is what he wanted to check. This doctor took no history, no blood and stated that he wants to do the colonoscopy then if it isn't Crohn's he will just give me meds for IBS. the more I thought about it and the fact my visit that probably cost as much as my car payment lasted less than 5 minutes, I decided to scrap it. Of course now I am paying for it since I can't stop going to the bathroom. I 'm sure you're glad I am writing about my bowel movements. Hey, I have one clean colon right now.

Swine flu has finally hit my girls schools. Of course they are not getting vaccinated till November so if they get the flu now, will they even need the vaccine? Are you immune to it once you have it? I can't find the seasonal flu shot for me anywhere. I have never had a flu shot before but since I have had chemo in the past, I thought I would do it, but now I can't find it. Figures. I just hope this panic soon fades and we can start living again without fear and face masks. I told my husband, I feel like we live in a sci fi movie, but without all the cool costumes.

Another round?

2009-10-16T16:13:00.000-07:00

Four weeks ago my husband came home from employment which was a happy day. He got out of going to Iraq for now but is set to leave for Afghanistan in April with another unit. Summer was stressful with him gone, the fear that I was going to become sick with cancer again, the kids having depression and just dealing with him over there made days long even if he was just in New Jersey for training. Luckily, he is home, the mission is cancelled and this chapter is behind us for now.

The day I picked him up at the airport, I was feeling bloated, gassy and pooping everywhere. I thought it was the flu, though I was not running a fever. The next week, still feeling this way, I went to my doctor and she stated it was IBS and for me to change my diet but she did not refer me to another doctor or do any tests. Week three, I was still bloated, not able to eat and was uncomfortable so I went to my gynocologist. She agreed it sounded like IBS and referred to a GI doctor, which I go to Monday. While I was there, she did an ultrasound, I HAVE ANOTHER MASS ON MY OTHER OVARY. Do I have ovarian cancer again? Why didn't they just take this ovary out when I was under the first time? A few days later, I was up at my onocologist and he is trying to convince me that it isn't cancer and that I should live life like I have never had cancer before. How do you do this? I have a mass and less than 2 years ago I was undergoing chemo, so how can i just blow it off?

This week I went in for an ultrasound which shows that I have a mass, I got the blood work done, but have not heard anything. Hopefully this is a good sign. I have to get another ultrasound in 4 weeks to see the growth of the mass. Just like last time. I hope I do not have go through surgery and treatment again, but I do know I want to live, I want to annoy the crap out of my kids for another 100 years at least, so I will fight. A plus is I am losing weight finally, I am sure this probably isn't a good sign, but I have been trying to lose weight for 9 years with no success. Around 10 pounds a week right now. Cancer....the new weight loss program, mmmmm?

Has it really been that long since last post?

2009-05-18T14:27:00.000-07:00

March was my year mark and all scans have come back good. :) I am preparing to do relay for life. Since I am the only parent in my girls school to have had cancer, I guess I am the lead fundraiser in thier eyes. I do not mind, hey I get a free T-shirt. See cancer has perks!

I have found out that since chemo I now have a damaged heart valve from the chemo which will not get better, but I have to make sure that it does not get worse. I am suppose to stay away from hard drugs and loose weight. Damn! I am such the addict, j/k. I have the joy of permenate chest pains so hopefully I don't have a heart attack b/c I wouldn't know the difference.

I have started substitute teaching which is fun. Not what I thought I would be doing with my degree, since it is in gerontology, but it is a job. I started my master's in gerontology which I am finding to be harder completing working full time. I have full respect for those who do it all, I am still learning.

Over the weekend a dear friend of mine passed away from cancer. It has opened my eyes again to do a check over my choices I am making. I am finding that I am starting to put my cancer behind me and falling back into my old routines of doing too much and not taking care of myself. I find myself stressed again and wondering how I am going to get everything done. Hearing my friends death has brought me back to a level that I need to appreciate what I have and not care so much of the little things. It will get done. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but it will. I need to say no and stop trying to please everyone. I need to start putting myself first again so I do not get sick again. My friend was a survivor, she was so funny. No matter how bad my treatments were, I would open a letter from her and crack up. When I went into remission, she continued her battle. With no insurance, doctors tossed her aside but she fought for chemo, radiation and what ever else that could by her time. She was only suppose to live 6 months and it turned into 15 months. I will miss our letters back and forth that we have done until 3 weeks ago, I will miss her sick humor that I related to, but I will keep her bravery with me and her courage. She is a wonderful role model and will be truly missed.

Thanks for listening

It is cold!!!

2009-01-17T16:25:00.000-08:00

This weekend we are having temps that are like -20 without the windchill. Our backdoor was frozen shut! Our sunroom has no heat going to it and the floors around the walls are ice, it is crazy!!! Tomorrow my husband and friends are actually going hunting, I do not think deer would be dumb enough to be roaming but who knows. I am not a deer.

Judging from not writing, I am doing good. My last appointment in December faired well. My doc said my counts are rising, but he did not schedule a scan till March so I am assuming it is nothing to worry about. I feel well and so to me that is all that matters. He said he wants to make sure my cancer isn't spreading. I don't know, it doesn't make since. My afp was 32. He asked if I would mind having another surgery to have a total hysterectomy. My question was why wasn't this done in the first place. He said that b/c my insurance would not pay for removal of good organs. Whatever.

I graduated in November and am now pursuing my Master's in Gerontology and Death and Dying. My biggest fear is death, so why not study it. I can not find work in this area, not even retail positions, so I am back volunteering. I am doing an adopt an elderly program and soup kitchen. I am also back at hospice but the social worker there still does not want me to work with clients. I don't know what she is expecting to happen to me. I can not take away the fact that I had cancer. I am doing clerical stuff there. I am also looking into volunteering in the cancer ward at our hospital. I like to kept busy, I guess that is not changing with me but I am more picky about what I do. I want to volunteer in positions that is related to my major and master's.

My next appointment is March 6th for a CAT scan. I pray everything is dandy and I can put this behind me for now.

Be well and talk soon

My first illness

2008-10-31T05:40:00.000-07:00

Last week it started as a cold with the sniffles and now my body has sucked up everything in its path. I feel like a sponge now that the hole is opened. Today I feel ok, 1 week after this all started. Will I be sick more this year since I am 7 month post chemo? Is my body starting over? I tried researching this, but can not find anything. If anyone can answer this, I would appreciate it. It is funny b/c people I work with make fun of me b/c I use alot of hand sanitizer and spray with Lysol and I am the one that ended up so ill. I believe it is because my body has to rebuild my immune system. Another question, do I have to get all my immunizations again? Am I still vaccinated with the MMR and all other fun shots I got when I was little. I was asked this and I honestly can not answer it. MMMMMMMM?

today is my favorite holiday, Halloween, and I love that I am interning b/c I can dress up. I dressed up as one of our too happy collegues and everyone thinks it is hilarious. I have a wig from when I was bald that fits her hair style and she always wears Ohio State gear, so I am wearing Steve's jersey and I am walking up and down the aisle's talking way too loud and clapping b/c that is what this lady does. To top it off, I am at her desk today b/c she took today off. I am sooooooooooo funny. :)

Well I have to go work, actually, silly me!

I'm a working woman, shocking

2008-09-29T05:26:00.000-07:00

Never thought this day would come. My internship is half way over and it is closer to the end of my college career until my masters, of course. I have to work 40 hour weeks for 10 weeks and I am almost in week 5. I am still not use to getting up at 5am to drive the 45 minutes by 7am but I know it will take time. I honestly never thought this day would come. When I was diagnosed last year (almost 1 year ago), I felt doomed and now look at me. I have curly hair that I can push back with a head band, I have energy, now if I can only lose weight :). I love this internship at Adult Protective Services and I know that main reason is because I love the people I work with. I love helping people and getting them services they need. And of course there is the frustration when clients refuse services and we can not do anything at all. I am keeping my fingers crossed that they keep me but, unfortunatley, there are layoff's here so that is highly doubtful.

I have made an appointment t0 the gyno that caught my cancer last year to check my remaining ovary. I have had so much pain lately and it is to the point that I can not sleep because of all the what if's that go through my head. I think it is due to my schedule and I am actually active right now and my body is still adjusting, but I am wondering if cysts may be forming because I wake up feeling fine and I am in agony by the end of the work day. I am not a hyprochondriac or anything. :) I am going to have check my CA125 and check my sugars, cholesteral and whatever else to put my mind at ease. Of course I have to wait 2 more weeks, but at least I finally made the appointment.

To everyone that reads this....Have a good week and remember to live life to fullest everyday because you never know what tomorrow brings.....hopefully it is winning the lottery. :)

6 month check up

2008-09-17T11:26:00.000-07:00

Went to my check up and my markers were still low so that was a relief but the doctor's wording freaked me out. He wants to see me in 2.5 months and then wants to see me a month after that with further testing. I asked what these tumor markers check and he said it only tests the type of cancer i had which is a yolk sac tumor. The tests checks my pregnancy level and he does not check my CA-125 which I do not understand. He said that it is a waste of money to order a battery of tests and he keeps the price low by only ordering what is necessary. I appreciate that if i was paying out of pocket but my insurance covers everything so why not order the CA-125? I have been having pains in my right side which is my one ovary and he told me to monitor it and he will keep close tabs so in case it comes back it will be caught early. I don't understand but he is a well known doctor so I will put my trust in him. I was just hoping to be cleared in some way but now I am more paranoid than ever. I think my sugars are messed up too because of my light headedness and weird feelings if I eat too much carbs or not eating for a long amount of time. I am suppose to give my body a year to recover from chemo. I did start walking a mile a day so I hope that will do something somewhere in my body. :)

For now I am going to live life to the fullest and appreciate everyday I have with my kids. No need to worry about crap that has not happened yet. I am interning at Job and Family Services right now so hopefully this turns into something and I can finally start a new chapter in my life.

It's that time again

2008-09-05T15:38:00.000-07:00

September 15th is my second cancer check up appointment and I am nervous, as always. My one ovary has been on overdrive and is constantly aching, I am so tired recently and just feel weird (shaky at times and light headed). I have started my periods again which is exciting and I do look good, but I am still nervous for my results. I just have to stay positive.

I began working, shocking, at a government agency and the woman I am replacing is going into surgery on Monday for possible ovarian cancer. She is getting everything out and was very excited to meet me. Granted I only had parts taken out, I had a similar surgery by which I was cut with a C-section. She is active like myself and wants and thinks she can start biking again 4 days post surgery. I told her good luck with that, but who knows. :)

I am happy right now with life. My youngest, Lyzzi, won Most Outstanding Female for Southeast Ohio and is attending a dinner in her honor on the 25th. We get to dress up and she gets another plaque. I am so proud of her! On the 21st I am going to an Ovarian Cancer awareness walk in Columbus which I am excited about.

I went back to Kansas for a visit with the parents since they would not come here and I am glad I did it. My friend surprised me with Linken Park tickets which was so exciting b/c they are my favorite boys. I stayed for 2 weeks and had to come back home a week early b/c I can not stand watching my parents kill themselves.

Husband is good, still here and is suppose to leave for 8 months again at the end of September if my tests are good to attend Officer Training School for the army and then we will be moved somewhere.

I hope everyone is doing well and I will post how my results are and how my new friend does with her surgery. Think of her this Monday and put in good thoughts!

3 months

2008-06-28T18:07:00.000-07:00

My three month appointment went well. I am clear still with low tumor markers, one was 3 and the other was 5 so I am very grateful. Right now I am looking outside my window to a beautiful cotton candy sunset. A storm just past and I still hear the thunder in the background. I love summer storms, they scare the crap out of me and I think they are fascinating at the same time.

My hubby has been diagnosed with divertilitis or something like that. I have to revamp his diet since he eats crap and that is about it. Tonight I tried to give him some beans but he had peaches and tomato soup instead. My daughter and I had bean dip with melted Rotel cheese dip over it. Sounds funky but it is good.

I am in a good spot in my life right now and I am soaking it up. My kitties are growing and becoming more playful and we now have a stray Husky/Shepard mix that visits daily. It is a pretty dog, solid yellow with Siberian eyes and fur. I worry about her b/c we live off a country highway, but it looks like she has been around.

Fourth of July is coming and I have so many invitations, but I want to just stay home and pause for the weekend. I know I won't though. I have been nonstop since I found out I was in remission. I think I am busier now than before cancer. I hope that is not a bad thing. I just notice now, I follow my feelings and if I don't want to do something, I don't and I won't feel guilty about it.

Hope everyone has a good holiday

Qualude with a side of psycho

2008-06-17T01:08:00.000-07:00

It is 4am and I am having horrible insomnia. It has been about a week now, last week it was b/c of graduation and my grad party I had Saturday, this week is b/c I have a stalker. I can put another thing that sucks if you have to go through it, having to constantly look over your shoulder. My anxiety is so high, that I have constant butterflies in my stomach, I am nauseated and I am having chest pains. Adding no sleep, my 3 month cancer appointment in 2 days should go smoothly.

Saturday the 14th, I graduated with honors from OU, finally. I walked across that stage with a sigh of relief more than sadness. My friends cried that I went to school with, but I think it was b/c they lived on campus for 4 years and OU was their family. I was looking forward to my party back home so I did the stage thing, posed for pictures and left.

Came home around 5pm to a backyard full of people. They were playing cornhole and sitting around talking. My best friend drove down with her friend and my neighbors had come up. I know I am not suppose to drink, but my dr. agreed one night would not do anything, so I drank a couple Bud Lights and relaxed.

My kids were suppose to have friends over, but when the parents, who I also invited, decided against it b/c their was alcohol there, none of them showed up. I understood, but at the same time, I'm in my 30's and being drunk, puking everywhere and acting stupid is kind of past me.

Around 10pm, my daughter's friend's older sister came with her fiance. My party was BYOB and they came to have fun. These two, my friend and husband ended up sitting around the campfire after everyone left and just told stories. Somehow we got on a subject of the dumbest things we did. I mentioned that one time in high school I ran around my house naked on a dare. Well, this girl and fiance stripped down and ran around my house with my husband trailing behind with his shorts off. When they came back down, the girl got back up and got TOTALLY naked and started running but tripped and fell on her face. Her fiance got naked picked her up ran around the house then headed down my hill for privacy. My friend, husband and I began talking of calling it a night when we heard this woman crying. My friend went down to check on her and came back to say that it looked like they were in the act. Out of nowhere, this girl started screaming at her fiance and took off running up the hill. He got up and jumped in his truck, which is when I ran to him and grabbed his keys and told him to chill out. this girl was crying hysterically over something and began babbling about her mom.

This is a grown woman, so I thought, we still lives at home with a curfew of 1am. this girls mom called non stop beginning at 1am. the same time she began flipping out. I am thinking she is scared shitless of her being she is still living at home and has to sneak out to see her fiance.

Knowing that, I as at the truck trying to talk this guy to spend the night in our tent b/c he was mad and had been drinking. He agreed until this girl came running up to the truck asking for a pop. She called her mom, who was coming to pick her up. this mom has a reputation of being a little off, so I of course was like, GREAT! this mom comes marching up my driveway and gets into my face and threatens to punch me. Turns out this girl is 18. Every otherword out of this mom's mouth is the F word. My friend and I stayed calm and told her mom to calm down, which was just fueling the fire. She then began labeling me a bad parent, was going to call the Sheriff's on me for contributing to a minor (which I didn't, remember it was BYOB), call Children's Services, etc. I walked away when I over heard her telling my husband that he should of been killed in Iraq. I quickly went an grabbed Steve and made him walk away and my friend kept telling them to get off the property. Now, I am like, I should of done this, done that, but when you are in your 30's, id'ing people does not come to mind at your house especially when they are bringing thier own crap.

the next day I checked my email and this mom left 4 nice messages for me with more threats and saying that myself and my friend ripped her daughter's clothes off and made her do acts in front of the kids and that I was a nasty person, etc, etc. I printed these off. then came the calls. this woman called me 8 times in a row the next day. I knew not to answer, and I didn't. She then called one last time around 11pm.

Today was gymnastics for the girls. Her daughter joined up last week and the mom has never gone to anything relating to this daughter, but she was there today of course. Knowing this I brought a small tape recorder. Her mom preceded again in front of children to call me a f'n b, that I was nasty and how I ruined her daughter's life. Oh, yeah, I guess this girl is pregnant too. She told my husband to get the hell out of there. We know not to respond and I think that is pissing her off more that she is not getting a reaction, but having her threats on tape, we took the girls out and went to the Sheriff's and filed a statement. It really pissed me off that I had to take my girls out of gymnastics when she was the one with the problem. What is done, is done, let's agree to disagree and move on.

Tonight my girls are having nightmares that someone is attacking me. My husband had a nightmare tonight that is very similar. this woman is driving us crazy and what I don't understand is she lets her daughter drink at the house and this girl goes to the bar to drink. I was analyzing her emails and she turns them around to make her the victim. I believe I am the scapegoat of her misery. Her daughter told us that night that her mom was suicidal. That is a red flag and makes sense as to why she is so nasty. I am not the first person to be in this situation with her and I know I won't be the last. It just sucks. We are thinking of moving. tomorrow we are getting a restraining order which I know will just fuel the fire, but I don't know what else to do. If her anger was just towards me, it would be one thing, but now the family is affected. Any suggestions?

I do really want a boring life. It seems something always has to be happening. But I guess it is suppose to make you stronger, right.

update May 2008

2008-05-27T07:15:00.000-07:00

People have asked why I haven't been blogging and the truth is that I am busy again and have not gotten around to it. today is a cloudy warm day and I decided to send out an update. I still feel that every pain in my lower right side is my one ovary ready to burst and I even went to the doctor last month out of paranoia and it turned out to be nothing. Now I try to ignore the pains and enjoy life.

4 months post last chemo treatment, I still have numb fingertips, swollen toes and indigestion to some foods. I recently went through a stint of not being able to eat anything without pooping, but out of the blue, I can eat again with no problems. I am still tired and I get frustrated that I don't have my strength back at full force yet. I am grateful not being in chemo treatments so I do not complain. I know it takes time, I just wish there was a book out about post treatment so that I know what is normal and what isn't.

My next appointment is June 19th for my scan and June 14th I am graduating from college, Finally. Steve and I are getting along great and actually have been closer than ever before. My girls are doing great. They just got kittens over the weekend and my youngest, Lyzzi, is constantly carrying hers around. They are spoiled kitties!

My prayers go out to all going through cancer. What got me through the toughest days was knowing that tomorrow was a new day. I still live day to day because some days are still low for me, but I am thankful for what I have and the accomplishments I created for myself. For those who have been asking, I am doing great. If anyone knows anything about post treatment, I have a thumbnail that is looking funky and was wondering if anyone else has this. I will write more. I promise.

Thankful

2008-03-27T06:48:00.000-07:00

Had my scan and it showed I am clear of masses in my belly, chest and pelvis. I do have something weird and unexplainable on my liver, but they are going to watch it. My doctor thinks it is fatty tissue, so I am going to stick to my low-fat, vegetarian lifestyle and abstain from alcohol until I know what it is. I also have what looks to be ONE gallstone in my gallbladder but they are not going to worry about it. I thought gallstones traveled in pairs at least, it must be a lonely stone. I have my next appointment in June.

I am having difficulties going back to my healthy lifestyle. I know it was hard to start with 2 years ago, but I did not think it would be that big of a deal. I do not want another salad and I need them. I ate salads everyday before my cancer and now I don't want one. It is weird. I am finally over my craving of sugar, so that is good and I don't crave pop anymore. Maybe eventually I will crave onions, garlic and peppers again. For now, I do not have any except tuna fish.

Went hiking yesterday with my girls. Thought I would die, but it proved to myself I am still in shape. I hiked for 2 hours up and down steep inclines, stairs, etc and I did it with no problems. It was exciting. Afterward me and the girls went for a bike ride and I was pumped, in pain, but pumped. We played outside last night until Steve came home and then crashed. It was a great day.

Hands held high

2008-03-20T05:34:00.000-07:00

Today is the day and all you cancer survivors know what day that is. CT Scan day! I just got done with a final and am sitting in the lounge at my school waiting for a professor thinking of the fun I am going to have in a couple of hours. The nasty taste of the wanna be lemonade, IV's, Iodine that makes you feel you peed yourself. Then the doctor's visit. I am dreading this day and excited about this day. I have been having aches again and a pain in my left side. My weight has been rising even though I have not been eating that much. On a positive note, my bloating in my hands are gone, my eyebrows have grown back in like a week, my hair is on the rise, literally and I can go throught a whole day without a nap. I am still no Mary Poppins, but I am getting there. I guess I don't want to go back, I want to move forward. But I have to go whatever direction I am chosen to do. I hope and pray it is forward.

My grandmother died last week. She was 91 and of everything that she could of died from, it was pneumonia. Her home would not take her to a hospital or treat it b/c she was in the hospice part of it. They only gave her tylonel to control her fever. It pissed me off b/c she was going to be moved OUT of hospice this week b/c of her miraculous recovery. She was knitted bibs for your infant rescue that is run out of thier church. She made front cover of a magazine due to her volunteer experience. I like to think I am following in her footsteps. I am back volunteering for hospice and my animal rescue. Haven't made it to my pottery store yet, but I am thinking about it. I love my grandmother, she and my grandfather who passed away last February, were like my best friends and second parents. I have so many happy memories with them that I will cherish. I am still in shock of her passing, which I know is normal. :) The part that hurt the most through all this was that I couldn't go to her funeral. She died last Thursday and the funeral was on Saturday in Oklahoma (17 hours away driving). I felt hurt, but sent a huge thing of flowers that was way too much, but it made me feel better b/c grandma LOVED flowers. I will never forget her or my grandfather.

Steve starts work again on Monday. He is back being a recruiter for the Army. He has not decided yet to go back into Active army and return to Iraq until after the results. I want him to do what makes him happy and I know staying home is what he wants to do even though he will not come out and say it. We are back bickering over everything and he and I are at each other's throats. I try to blow it off, but it is hard. He tells me I am annoying, but when I tell him to go take a break and spend the weekend with his family and I will take the girls he says no. He was an angel when I was sick and now we are back where we left off. Everyone told me it wouldn't last, if we had problems before the illness, it will still be there, but i did not believe it. I hope he talks to me and if it is bad news today that he does not feel obligated again to drop his life b/c I don't know if I can be a strong fighter again so soon. I will try though if I have to for my girls. I just have to think positive and eat some chocolate chip cookies (could this be why I am gaining weight? :))

Still waiting on my prof. but don't feel like writing so I will just stare at people studying. OH, I am wearing make-up again. Been like 15 years since my last application. I drew my eyebrows on over the weekend and I actually look normal again. Not bad.

write soon

The waiting game

2008-02-28T08:10:00.000-08:00

Ok, I am done driving to Columbus for the time being, but my CAT scan isn't till April? I think that is a little long to wait for a CAT scan. Considering the type of cancer I have can spread like wild fire. Today I did a presentation of my cancer for a Psych class and thinking about it, what if the fetus that was in my ovary carried the tumor and it was not necessarlily me? The tumor was growing off the fetus. Why then did this happen? It is funny because now that I don't go up to Columbus anymore, I have all these pains that freak me out, but i know is nothing. I actually think I am trying to start my period with cramping. :) That would be exciting.

I am sitting in a diner that is in my building and I have my hat off because I am sweating like a pig. It is funny watching the students come in and stare at me until I look at them and then they look away real fast. Others just give me that "I'm sorry" look which makes me want to throw my laptop at them, but I know anger is not the answer. Here's a sexy man, balding, in his 20's and looks like he just down a pint of grease. I can tell by the way he is looking at me he is saying something funny about me that probably isn't but is making him laugh. I may throw my water bottle at him later, we'll see.

Ok, anyways, I am still living a day at a time. Steve is starting back with his old ways of constantly groping me every time he can. I am still scared to have sex. He has been home since January and we had sex once. I was so uncomfortable with it, i did not enjoy it. Now I relate sex with cancer because I got cancer from a baby that was produced by his sperm. Guess it is dumb, but I can't bring myself no matter how much I want to, to have sex. I don't know how to look at it positively.

side note: Grease man had to do another walk through to stare at me. Surprise! he has a mountain dew and candy with him. What a health nut he is. TAKE A FUCKING PICTURE!

Sorry, anyways, I love him and want to share that part with him, but for some reason I think chemo, when I come close to going to him with the magical words, "let's have sex" and I chicken out. I know he has to be going crazy, I would be if I were him. I don't even want him kissing me.

side note: Holy shit! Grease man is now sitting next to me. What the fuck? aRe you going to sketch me for a better at home masterbating angle?

Sorry, again, that was not nice. I will work on letting him kiss me and go from there. I was so use to him not kissing me becasue my counts were always low and he was scared to give me some weird Iraq disease that now it is just weird. It is almost like we have to relearn ourselves and get to know ourselves from the inside out again. He said that when he saw me in the hospital after being gone for 7 months it was strange for him and then have us go through what we have, i know it is going to be wierd.

I will keep you updated on my life, right now, I have to focus on finishing this quarter (2 more weeks) Haven't really gone to class yet. :)

A taste of normal

2008-02-18T15:17:00.000-08:00

My youngest, Lyz, is home throwing up AGAIN! I swear I want to put my house in a bubble and let off Lysol bombs to get rid of this bug. It is just circulating no matter how much we clean and disinfect. I hope she gets better tonight and can go out tomorrow for fresh air and SCHOOL. She is already over her limit for her missing the week of school 2 weeks ago for the same thing. I should just open the windows and air out the house even though it is snowing out and below freezing. Stefani woke with this cough from hell, but is still acting normal so I will not pay too much attention yet. I still have the cough that is in my chest, but I think it is just the Bleo eating away my lungs because I can't breathe in anymore without pain and the doc says my labs look good so it is just a cold. THAT IS LASTING FOREVER!

Anyways, today was great. I felt normal again. I drove to school like a normal person, went to class, made up a midterm that I knew nothing about. Do you know what part of the nervous system activates when are stress level becomes too high? If you do know, don't say anything, because I don't and I actually studied. A little. Then I went to hospice to do my community service for a health class and had so much fun. I am comfortable there, I am familar there because I have done it before and I felt like my old self while I was there. They gave me a project to do that was suppose to last my 20 hours, but I did not want to leave so I just did the whole thing today. They were a little shocked, but now they have to find something else for me to do and they don't know when I can come back in. OOPS. When I got home today, I took a nap and now I am making dinner. I have not done that in months. Yesterday I cleaned my house, BY MYSELF and it took only 5 hours. I was so proud. I hope this is a continuous road because I now know how much I loved my old life and I want it back. I will still slow down on the volunteer work, which is hard because I am already wanting to do all this stuff for the cancer society at my school and the county, but I won't for now. I will finish this up with hospice and see where it goes and then move on with the cancer society.

Still here

2008-02-17T16:42:00.000-08:00

Well this was an interesting post chemo week. The Friday of my last chemo I had my Pic line removed because they took my blood and my counts were so high that they told me I would not need it anymore. HA! Went in the following Wed. for blood work and I need another blood transfusion and I have to take the white blood count shots AGAIN when I was promised not to have to take them.

Thursday of last week (V-Day and my anniversary) I spent it in the hospital getting a transfusion. On top of this lovely occasion I got a freak stomach virus and began crapping and vomiting out of no where. The pain in my stomach was like an alien trying to rip its way out and no matter how much shit flew out of my ass, the pain would not stop. I flipped over on the floor of the only bathroom in this wing and began hurling. Then the nurse came to ask if I was fine. Yeah, great, don't I look sexy? I was crying and it sucked ass. Lasted an hour, then I was fine. Weird. I got the fusion done and today I finished my shots. So now, I hope I am done till my scan on the 17th of March.

Went and saw the Chipmunks tonight with my girls. Not impressed, but I am not a kid. they said they liked it, but Stef fell asleep, so that should say something right there. In the past month and a half I have been to class 5 times. It is a joke in my eyes of why I am going this quarter. I have a make-up midterm tomorrow and I am here typing this instead of studying because there is no way of me passing when I missed the whole segment. I don't even know what to study. I am just going to skim the chapters. I start my community service tomorrow too at the hospice. I am looking forward to it because it is what I want to be part of anyways. They are putting in charge of a new project they are starting, so that is exciting for them to put that much trust in me, but I have done hospice before that is probably why.

Not much else has changed. I am getting more hair on my head, but losing more eyebrow and eyelash hair. There really isn't any left, but I like to do the combover, its sexy. I saw myself in the mirror today at the movies and I look sick. I never thought of myself as "sick", but I look like crap and there is nothing to do about it, but wait for hair to grow back and my color to come back to my skin. I have fire toes now too. I feel like a superhero because I feel like I can shoot flames from my toes and fingers. I hope it goes away soon since I won't be getting chemo anymore.

must go study, just checking in

Hangin in there

2008-02-05T07:29:00.000-08:00

It is my second day of last chemo and I am sitting in my reserved chair :) waiting to be done. I have drove myself the past two days because of children with the stomach flu at my house. Yes, they are my kids, but I feel bad because I have been quarentined in my bedroom and they want me. Yesterday in my chair I met 4 wonderful women who were here as long as me and they all had great personalities so the time flew by. Two of the women has had recurrent ovarian on 5 times and the other 3 times. they both had everything taken out, but is still coming back. Despite this they both were funny as ever and one of them worked a full time job still. I was impressed and knew I had nothing to complain about. Today I don't have anyone to chat with. There is a woman who looks my age but she is sleeping. She has bone cancer, so if she can sleep, I am not going to bother her.

We just had pet therapy dogs go through. They are so cute! I want to do that on the side for cancer and hospice patients. Funny since I have been here so much, the SW and RN don't
come see me anymore or call. Guess I am cured :). Well I am procrastinating on my homework, but wanted to let people know so far so good for this week. I just hope my kids get better and I don't get it. or Steve.

Reflection

2008-02-01T12:58:00.000-08:00

I just asked my youngest what makes someone pretty. And she replied someone with a flat stomach and wears make-up and does their hair. Well I have to change that. She is only 7, but I don't want her to think that and feel that way. Hell, I'm bald, overweight, never wears make-up and does not own a dress, skirt or any bras. I wear tanks, if you must know. Makes me wonder what she thinks of me. :)

Anyways. Next week is my LAST week of torture!!!!! I hope. I get to have this catheder taken out of my arm and be somewhat normal. My eyebrows and eyelashes fell out yesterday, figures. I was so close to having my eyebrows to the end. I look like total crap. For some reason my eyes are swelling and puffy and constantly leaking. I have dark circles around my eyes too for that added effect of looking like a strung out druggie. My PIC line is infected and has nasties around it. They told me to just watch it. Thanks, I will do that while I am dripping in pain. I can not believe I am almost done and I hope it is for forever. I can not wait to have my hair back, I am tired of wearing hats, they itch. I want my energy back to play with my kids and do my schooling. I have only been once in 3 weeks, that is pathetic. Thankfully, the profs are working with me but I am sucking ass on the tests. I have made promises to myself for a new life that I will write about so that whoever is reading this will make sure I keep to it.

I promise to think of myself more. That sounds weird, but I never think of myself and I always do way more in volunteer work, school and helping neighbors than I can chew which leads to high stress and pissing my family off. I will only do one volunteer project at a time and have weekends off to play with my kids and husband and hang out. I promise to spend more time with the kids. They will be number one in my life, not others. I promise to graduate this year even if I can't finish my gerontology certificate because I need to finish. I promise a family vacation every year that does not involve driving to my parent's house. I want to show my girls the country and brighten thier horizons. Lastly, I promise to be there for my friends more. They have been there for me during this time of shit for me and I owe them whatever I can dish out. Oh wait, Jazz, I want that bike trip to Colorado we planned 11 years ago and never did because you HAD to get knocked up and make me move to Hawaii. :)

Are you in the Breakfast Club?

2008-01-27T14:13:00.000-08:00

This is my all favorite movie and I just watched it. Pretty pathetic that I know all the lines to it. Yes, I am the annoying person that says the lines under my breath the same time the actors say it. I graduated in 1994 and I have to say that I am quite jealous that I did not have a radio station at my school. Adrienne and I watched a 90210 marthon last weekend and they had a radio station too. Yes, I was one of those also that got together with friends every Thursday night and watched 90210. Dillon was quite the player.

Watching The Breakfast Club, I was thinking of my high school and the clicks. I don't think our high school was that clickish. We had our preps (though very few), band geeks, academic geeks, stoners, cowboys, cheerleaders, sluts, etc. I was not classified because I was a loner and friends with everyone. If I had to pick a group, I probably hung around the stoners. Funny though because once you graduate the clicks end until the high school reunion. I did not get to go to my high school reunion, but I heard that it was still clickish.

Looking back, what is the point of clicks? It is like segregation. I remember there was certain halls in the school that certain people "was not allowed" by other students. Sounds so dumb now. I look at my kids and can already see what group they will be classified in. My oldest is going to be a cowgirl and my youngest a princess. I am just being honest. They are both bright, but I think Stefani, my oldest, will let it shine more than Lyzzi. Lyzzi is going to be the social butterfly. I hope they are friends with everyone though and the clicks are not as bad as they were back in the 90's, but I'm sure they are worse.

Saturday school was my passion. I was in it almost every Saturday and it wasn't as fun as in the movie. Why couldn't I of climbed through the ceiling? I know it is just a movie, but it is true. When I watched it in high school it was just comedy but if you really look and analyze the movie (which I can do now since I have nothing better to do) it is a sad reality of how schools are.

Oh well, now you know how I spent my Sunday. I am going to watch 16 Candles next.

blood transfusion, oh my!

2008-01-23T17:42:00.000-08:00

Went to chemo yesterday feeling like crap. this was not normal crap, I knew something was wrong. My legs were shaking, I was seeing an aura in my vision, my heart felt like it was going to jump out of my chest and my blood pressure was high. I walked up to my chemo room and when they took my blood pressure it was 135/? which is high for me and my heart rate was in the 150's. I felt 90 and out of breath. Hell, I went to take a shower yesterday and had to sit to catch my breath in the middle and afterwards I just sat naked on the bed, wet and feeling like I just ran a marathon. I hate the way I felt, it is bad enough that I feel like shit from the chemo and now this. Anyways, the nurse came up and said that I was too pale for her comfort and did not like what she saw or heard so I had to have a blood transfusion. Did they stop chemo for the day??????? Hell, no! God forbid I did not get bleo for day. My counts were not low enough. I still have a whole nother week before I do my week chemo again, what my counts are going to stabilize????? I don't think so! So she was like, Kristine, tomorrow you will get 2 pints of blood and you will feel better and we can continue to give you chemo on schedule. Whatever!

This morning walking into the room to have my transfusion, I felt horrible. My heart was beating so fast, I was out of breath and my anxiety was through the roof. I am not keen of having 2 people's blood, i don't know in me. I was more scared of this then chemo. When he hooked me up and I saw the blood creeping towards my pic line, i blocked my vision and began imagining it as Kool-aid. Had to or I would of ripped it out and huffed my way out. I was there for 7 hours and have to say felt better then when I went in. I got my appetite back, my heart rate is lowered, blood pressure back to normal and I can walk down the hall without taking a break. Did I mention I was 32? Don't feel like it. Now it is the eve of my transfusion and I feel different in a way that I did not realize how bad I was. I am not the color of a white shirt anymore and I can keep my eyes open. Last night I could not keep my eyes open worth anything. Now I can focus on my cold which I get after every chemo treatment. I am beginning to realize that everything I am scared of is happening to me. Like my phobias are being tackled.

Cancer...check Surgery...check Blood Transfusion....check

Why couldn't be Win the Lottery...check Travel the world...check Find a cure....check

Maybe that will be this year :)

another chemo week done

2008-01-23T17:35:00.000-08:00

2 days past chemo and guess what I ate? Pizza, chicken wings and breadsticks. Not the smartest thing in the 2world, but boy was it yummy. I have not had chicken wings for over a year. MMMM, why did I wait so long. Yesterday was a yucky day. I was tired, as usual, and my friend and I vegged on the couch watching “America’s Top Model” and ate snacks all day. It was fun. Steve and the girls went out for the weekend so I could relax. I was still nauseated yesterday, but today I have been doing good. (Knock on wood). I slept well last night and woke up actually feeling “normal”, if that could be possible. Adrienne flew home today and the kids and husband are back, so things are going back to normal. I forgot tomorrow is a holiday so me or the kids have school. That is nice so I can have the extra day of rest.
This past week has been surreal for me knowing that I am almost done with treatment. I can not believe there is that light at the end of the tunnel for me already. At the same time, I do have a little guilt of being lucky when I hear of my friend Melinda getting bad news. I could not be told what, but judging from my chemo nurses face, it is not good. It has got me thinking of life in general and who or what moves our pieces. Melinda has a little girl just like me and what makes me different from her? I do believe her spirit will pull her through this next hurdle, but how much can one person take? I know the survivors are inspirations to others, but why did we survive? This experience has changed me emotionally, physically and educationally. Everyone I have met in that chemo room is my family whether they are old, young, black or white and these people I want to stay with. I have never had a “family” before. Meaning, having that true feeling of love and devotion towards each other and when I enter into that chemo room and seeing people’s faces light up because I am there and having people come up to me and tell me how much I have helped them through those hard times, is undescribable. Yes, my treatment is going to be done in 3 weeks, but I am not leaving my family. I have already began looking into a Chemo Nurse, RN program for after I graduate in June and volunteering for the center. I finally feel good about what my decision is for my future. I feel for the past 15 years I have struggled to find my puzzle piece to fit into this game of life and ironically cancer gave me that answer. I will still do my hospice work but I feel nursing is where I need to go. Weird how things evolve from other things.
Speaking of school. I have not been able to find a community service project for my class dealing with the elderly because I HAVE CANCER! I did not realize it was contagious. My instructor, who was as shocked as me, is letting me work for my hospice making phone calls to widowers and stuff envelopes for my credit. I am learning first hand how people view cancer, and I hope the stupidity is just because of the lack of education in this area, but COME ON! Since getting my first C in a while for the final I flunked from last quarter my GPA dropped. L That sucks!
Well I guess I should probably be studying for my exam this week instead of blogging, but this is more exciting.

Another chemo week

2008-01-16T06:38:00.000-08:00

I am on day three of my week chemo and I am still having the nausea. they have me on three different nausea meds and I can't believe that I still feel icky. I am sitting in my usual chair procrastinating doing my homework. The IT guy came down and got my wireless working so I doubt I will get to my hw. :) this is more interesting. I only had my rash for one day so far and that was the first day. I found how to rid of the nasty slimy taste in mouth if anyone is interested. Drink a slushy. It has worked for me and hopefully it will work for others. I haven't lost my taste or smell yet and I am wondering if it is my slushy doing it. I may of found a cure. :)

I am trying to get back on my vegetarian diet. Can you believe I haven't lost any weight? I thought that would be a perk of this, but guess not. I have been craving weird things that I haven't eaten in like 2 years like Coke, Taco Bell, meat, processed cakes. I haven't eaten any of that in like a week and have cut myself off of fast food. My sodium and sugars are up which I know is from the chemo but I know my diet is not any better.

School is going. I found out that I have to do community service with the elderly. My doc said to stay out of nursing homes and anywhere with unhealthy people including hospice. I am trying a senior center today to see if they would work with me, but I know one of them will not b/c of my condition. I guess they don't want to take any chances. So that may be interesting.

My doctor's appointment on Monday went well. He wants to do one more cycle after this then do the CAT scans on my and blood work. He was unusually nice to me. MMMMM wonder why? I was hoping this would be my last cycle, but I guess I will suck it up for one more. I just feel I am getting sicker with every session. But I am not complaining to them, Ivy my chemo nurse gets to hear my issues. Lucky her!

My friend Adrienne flies in tonight and is going to be with me the rest of the week into the weekend. this is why I need to do my homework b/c I know I won't do it with her here. So I will stop now and do what I need to do.

Am I a boy or a girl?

2008-01-09T14:57:00.000-08:00

I started back to school on Monday. I am so self-conscious about being bald, it is pathetic. I feel like I have to explain to people why I am bald. Then they are like, "oh". I am extremely jealous of all these girls I see with long hair like I had. I want to pull a Jan Brady and cut their hair off as they bounce it back and forth. I just am shocked at myself that I feel this way.

Today is Wednesday and I was in class while this 75 year old teacher was doing roll call. She came to my name and said "O'Neill, Kristine" I raised my hand. I kid you not! She did a double take and said "Kristine O'Neill?" I said yes this is me. Then she said "Your name is Kristine?" I just about died of embarrassment because I was sitting in the back and the whole class of about 60 20 year olds was staring at me. Then to make my day better, this teacher said she wanted to put us in ALPHABETICAL ORDER in seating arrangements. I did mention this was Ohio University and not elementary school right? So it took an hour to do this and she moved me THREE times because she kept missing people on the roster. Now, instead of sitting safely in the back away from people I'm in the bleeping front row. I emailed this woman during break and told her my situation and she said nothing about doing a volunteer thing and today she said we have to volunteer in a nursing home for 20 hours. How the hell can I do that when my counts are low? That is a death sentence for me. I am going to see if the social worker at the cancer center will make something up for me b/c this teacher is not the brightest card in the stack and talking with her is like talking to a 2 year old. But I need this class to graduate so I will figure something out.

I started my Neuprogen shots tonight and am already feeling the freakin headache coming on. Melinda told me to drink caffine so Steve bought me a Coke. I have not had caffine in months maybe a year b/c I don't drink soda. So I will probably be pooping later. :) I also was craving pizza like crazy for the past week. I was hoping it would pass, but didn't so I ate 4 slices. SHHHH, don't tell anyone. I will be pooping that out later too, but it was sooooooo goooood!!!

I had chemo yesterday, the Bleo shot and my counts were still good. My WBC was 2.5 but my hemoglobin did not budge at all from last week. It is still 9.8 so Ivy said I will probably get another shot next week to bring it up. My eyebrows are finally going and so are my eyelashes. I wake up in the morning with a few in the corner of my eye, which is very comfortable. Not much else going on yet. I have my week chemo next week and my friend from KC, Adrienne is flying in to help which is exciting. My other friend Jasmin sent me a care package which was all too exciting of Special K protein water, Luna bars, awesome thick lotion for my head, vitamins and fun slippers. Thanks Jazz!

If anything exciting happens, I will write later

happy birthday to me

2008-01-06T15:29:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was my birthday, so I am now finally 32. Since my last chemo treatment I have been more sick and tired than before. Nothing sounds good to eat and I feel like I have the flu. Last night I ran a fever of 99.4 which was freaking me out b/c I know if it gets to 100 degrees I have to go the hospital. All day today it has been teetering in the 99's, but I have been keeping tylonel in me and just resting. Tomorrow I start school, I hope, if i am not running a fever. Nausea has been intense this time around too and the pills they gave me don't seem to do anything. I am beginning research on my cancer since it is so rare. I sound dumb I am sure, but I don't think it should of happened. The research I have done so far states that ovarian cancer should not happen if it does not run in the family (it doesn't), if you are vegetarian (I am), if you are on oral contraceptive (have been since I was 12). I am overweight which could of wacked something and the tumor I had thrived on hormones (which is why I think the b/c did it). I am no doctor and I know cancer can hit anyone healthy or not, but my gut tells me it is from on outside factor like my birth control Yaz. I may not find anything, but I love research and I am going to find everything I can about germ cell tumors to better educate myself and others.

Get me the bleepity bleep out of 2007

2007-12-31T04:48:00.000-08:00

I have to start out like the award ceremony and say that I forgot to thank some people, but I know everyone that I talk to, knows how much I appreciate them. I do thank Jennifer Pemberton for the mailings and stories and it is cool that we have not spoken since 8th grade, but can pick up right where we left off. I am glad you are in my life again. Krysta Foreman, whom I was stationed in Hawaii with back in 2000, thank you for your emails and I love the support you are giving me. And my new friend Nat who is my blogger buddy. It is nice to talk to someone who is going through what I am even though we are on different levels, but I find now that cancer is cancer and to beat it we have to join together and fight it.

Anyways, this is totally weird before I go into my second chemo session suckiness that I must share. My last blog I was bitching about my parents, ok, I think I jinxed them. They don't read my blog and no one I know would share with them my blog. (keep that in mind). That night, my mom called me crying into the phone and this was not a normal cry but a sob. She said that my grandmother (her mom) can 't talk anymore and that it was hitting her that her best friend was not going to be around much longer. She then went on apologizing for being a bad mom and not being here for me. I then felt guilty about what I blogged because she meant it and I had to keep telling her that it isn't her fault, blah, blah blah. Well, my mom has no friends except one named Brenda. Brenda and her have been buddies since 1986 and when my mom can't call me or her mom, Brenda gets to solve all her problems. That same night my mom found out Brenda has stage 4 cancer and a life expectancy of 8 months. I guess Brenda found a mass back in April, but DUE TO NO INSURANCE did not go to the doctor. Now she can't eat, so she went and the cancer is in her esophogus, stomach, liver and they are scanning her this week to see if it is anywhere else. I told my mom that I met so many people who were not suppose to live 2 months and they are in remission for a decade. Brenda is going to start chemo on the 8th of January, her first session is 8 HOURS LONG!!! Please think of her.

I believe everything happens for a reason, but why would whoever moves our pieces of life make everyone my mom depends on sick or dead? I was thinking and maybe this is to show my mom that she can take care of herself and does not need me, Brenda or her mom. I feel horrible for her right now. She told me she wished I could come home and you know what, if I did not have chemo, I would of hopped in my car for the thousandth time and drove the 12 hours to KC just to be with her and comfort her. This is the first time I can't and it is the first time I feel like she really needs me. She is strong and I hope she can find that in herself right now.

Ok, back to me :). I finished week two of chemo on Friday and it sucked. It was fun meeting and remeeting people though during chemo, but I noticed my symptoms are stronger than before. My skin is red and blotchier, I have that rash on my face again, but the nausea is worse this time and the meds they gave me did not do much. Saturday I slept ALL day and was still tired. I can not describe this fatigue. I thought last time I was tired, no this time was bad. It felt like sandbags were on me and I could not move. I peed myself and did not know it because Iwas so exausted. That is embarrassing! I just sat comotose all day saturday, I could not read because the words were just moving all over the page, could not talk becasue I was slurring my words. Again, the only time I felt good, was asleep. Sunday I woke and could focus finally, but still had the upset stomach. I took more nausea pills and went back to bed. I could tell through out the day yesterday I was improving , but it was slow. By last night, I felt 50% better and could read my book and do crosswords again. All my spikes in my head fell out yesterday in the shower and now my head is so cold then I put a hat on and its hot. I can't regulate my temp at all.

I know this is long, but i have to share with the people I met this week in chemo. When I have my weekly ones, I can tell that I will remeet people. I saw Melinda again, the girl who is my age battling breast cancer. She is so funny and we tore up our pod Friday joking around and having fun. She is such an inspiration. This is her 3rd or 4th reoccurance with the cancer which is now in her lungs, she is on oxygen, can't walk and still is the funniest person. Ivy, the chemo nurse, told us that we feed off each other too much, but that we make the day go faster. I told Melinda that even though we are offending everyone around us, we are cracking each other up and that is what matters. We spent most of the afternoon trying to get Ivy to spike our IV with Bacardi and Melinda was going to pass around her Oxycotin and Vicatin. Can't wait to see her next time. I met another man who was probably in his 40's, he is a farmer and was on his second dose of chemo for colon cancer. He did not have anyone with him and me and this other man who is in his 60's and has lung cancer were joking around about our symptoms. This man in his 60's kept calling me his mini-me b/c we were both bald but he said he was older b/c he had more hair than me. Anyways, the farmer began asking questions, which we like and he and developed a bond. He feels worthless right now b/c his 83 year old father has to tend to his cattle and finish up for the year. He said he can't get over not being able to help anyone and how he does not like being on the recieving side. I can totally relate. Allowing people to help me has been the hardest task for me and I am still working on it. I told him that we share many of the same fears and hopes and that is what we need to keep with us that we are not alone. I made him smile, then I called him sexy and I made him blush, so my job was done.

This is long, but I don't write much on here. 2008 will be a great year for me, I just need out of 2007, too much sadness this year.

happy new year

Grab your partner dosey doe

2007-12-27T04:05:00.000-08:00

Into week two of my 5 day treatment. The fatigue is there more prominent this time and I believe with the added stress of no husband my symptoms are a little higher than what they should be. Monday I went by myself for my 4 hour treatment and did great. I was able to drive to and from no problem plus I had my kids. X-mas I was off and I could not believe how tired I was. I was also alone b/c Steve's mom came and got my kids for the week. That evening my best friend from birth drove in to take care of me the rest of the this week with the driving. I have to say right now Alissa is my life saver. I still wear my protective shield telling everyone I am fine doing this alone but I am not.

One thing I hate about this treatment and I don't know if it is just me but I can't let things go anymore. If one thing happens, I harp and get more pissed and have to get it off my chest. Whereas before this I would just put it in my pocket and go to the gym, work out for an hour or so until I was back to my old self. I did not NEED people to vent my frustrations to, I was able to work it out on my own. I am thinking now, I am a very angry person and this sickness has helped me realize that. An example would be that if someone came to me and said, "Did you know your eraser fell off your pencil?" I would say "No, thanks for telling me" Then 12 hours later in bed while I am trying to fall asleep I would become pissed that my eraser fell off and would need to know where it was and would harp on it till i start crying. (Just an example, when I start crying over pencil erasers, I will get psychiatric help).

Alissa came in and said that her mom is coming for the month of February to help me. I of course cried b/c that is all I do now (damn steroids!). And 24 hours later in bed and 5am I am wondering why my parents have not offerd to help. If one of my daughters is going through something like this and she had two girls to take care of and husband gone, I would be walk through fire to help. Mine parents and my one brother could send a 1,000 page manuel of excuses why they won't help. My parents don't work. They are retired, have some health problems, but still do vacations just fine. Why is it that my FRIENDS's PARENTS are the ones offering me help and support and my own parents aren't? Is this something I should bring up to them? Is it proper for me to voice my opinion on how fucked up they are? My friends who have nothing and have to work hard to keep a roof over their heads are driving 12 hours to me or flying paying with money they do not have to make sure I am taking care of. My parents have not even sent a card. I thought I am close to them. I am the only daughter, granddaugheter and niece in my family. One aunt, ONE, has been emailing me, sending myself and my girls encouraging messages and she lives in California. I just came to realize that I am sick of their excuses. I am thier daughter who is going through one of the many hellish chemo treatments and the people who needs to be here is them. I am tired of relying on complete strangers, I appreciate and love that people who don't know jack squat about me care for me, but when I wake up wanting to throw up my insides or I need help to the bathroom b/c walking the 10 feet is just too much, I want the people here that know me, know who I am. I am hurt that reality is slapping me in the face. I always knew my parents were not meant to have kids, but this is not the time for me to see this.

I just want to thank my friends mom's Kae Talbert, Kris Kuntz and my best friends Jasmin Talbert, Adrienne Wurtz-Landis or whatever you are going to have as your last name now :) and Alissa Gothard for loving me right now and being there for me. I know I don't call as much, but I am always thinking of you and I am going to be fine if I just stop harping on shit.

Sorry another low moment. I have to go to chemo in 2 hours. They are giving me a new shot on Saturday, yea me! to hopefully keep my count from dropping to zero again. ONe of the nurses or maybe I read it somewhere, said that when your counts drop to zero you can die. Is this true and what are the stats on this? I would hate to die from the treatment that is suppose to save me, that would suck.

I ran into Tanya yesterday, the lady I met on my last chemo marathon who was just starting. She was back for her second chemo and is losing her hair. She was so distraught about it and i felt like I was mocking her in a way if that is the appropriate thing to say b/c I am fine bald. I did not know what to say. I put my hat back on and went up to her and told her she was beautiful. She had big brown eyes, great skin, little nose. I told her that we can't save ourselves from losing our hair, but we can not obsess over it either. I felt so bad for her. I do get stares in this chemo place because I am the only one that does not wear a hat or scarf or wig. Should I? Is this hurtful to other women with no hair? I mean nothing bad by it, I still do not go bald in public, I am not that strong yet, but I feel safe there with no hair even though I still get stared at. I dont' want to offend. Let me know what you think.

Well have to go eat my small meal to take my steroid and then have to go to Walmart b/c the jackasses forgot to give me one of my bags yesterday. Yes, i bought the dr. a present. Slap me later. :) Time to get pumped of poisons. Yea!

Just wrap it up and slap a bow on it

2007-12-24T12:20:00.000-08:00

Sorry for the negativity I displayed in my last blog. Had a moment and now it has passed. I started my week long chemo today and it went smoothly. I must share my experience with my doctor which was.......interesting.

I had an appointment at 8am this morning. I live 2 hours away, so an 8 am appointment with two girls is a challenge sick or not. I got out the door at 6am, proud that we will be on time and when I went to start my car, it would not START!!! Ok, so I will be a little late, that is fine. I yelled at my car, thinking it would respond to my anger, but that did not work, so I had to take the truck. I like the truck for short trips, but driving 160 miles round trip is like throwing money out the window, but what choice did I have. I went to put gas in the never ending tank and began the journey with my girls shoved in the 2 inch space that they call a backseat. They did not mind b/c they were so tired.

Got to my dr's appointment ON TIME, I know, I had another proud moment. I think I was driving too fast b/c I don't cruise control, but oh well. When the doctor came in the first thing out of his mouth was "I am so pissed off at you!" "I can't believe that after everything I did for you, you would do such a thing!" He was talking loudly and threatening. I just opened my mouth and was like "What the %$^#?" What did I do? Last time I checked, you were the one pumping poison in me and wanting to except it with a smile. I admit freely that I am a hypochondiac and he goes, "This is not the time to bother me with you mild ailments. You need to stop being a hypochondriac and just expect not to feel well. I am going on vacation and I do not want you bothering the doctor taking my patients with your hypochondriac ways. Just learn to deal with it." Ok, first of all, what the hell are you talking about? Second, you are my bleeping doctor and are suppose to be there for me and Thirdly, I called the on call doctor ONCE in the past three weeks, which is good for a hypochondriac and it is because I passed a clot the size of my HAND!!! If something that big came out of your penis, I think you would be calling someone too.

Now I know you are dying to know why an onocologist would treat a patient like a piece of penguin poo. Well apparently someone told him my husband and I were seperated and in the process of a divorce. I started to cry b/c I was like, "Did Steve say he was leaving me?" and the dr. was like "No" Supposively, the social told the RN that Steve and I had communication issues, which we do, but last time I checked all married couple or dating couples have communication problems. How the hell did he turn that around to us being seperated and divorced and WHAT IS IT HIS BUSINESS IF WE DID??????? I don't know, but this Dr. felt like shit when he found out he heard it wrong and quite frankly I am glad he feels bad. I turned him in to his boss, b/c I felt an urge of evilness and I don't want him to do that to another patient. His RN and the social worker came down and apologized for the miscommunication and I told them I didn't care about the miscommunication, but I do care how he presented himself to me. It was unprofessional and this is coming from someone who still sleeps with her baby blanket and thinks pooping and farting is funny.

That was my fun day in chemo. I know you are jealous of my excitement. I drove home and now I am typing. I want chex mix so I think I may go make some. MMMMM!!! I need to get milk, but I am mad at my car so I think it is best to just stay away from it. :)\

Have a Happy X-mas

Pain means your still alive, right?

2007-12-20T08:53:00.000-08:00

I had to start taking these injection to up my blood count and now I feel like I have been run over. My head hurts so bad that focusing on this computer screen is torture. Last night all my bones in my legs, hips, back and shoulders felt like someone took a 2 x4 to me. I just hate this. I had an addiction problem in high school with herion, meth and alcohol and I honestly believe that was easier than this. I would rather be high again then deal with this pain, alone. I don't think it is fair that I have to deal with this by myself and still attempt to function like a mom and take care of my girls. Where are all these people that offered to help me when Steve left? People are sending my girls presents and giving me checks, I appreciate that more than anything, but I want someone to talk to, someone to tell me that this too will pass. I want my husband home. I can't deal with this alone but I would like someone to come wrap all these gifts for me or fold my laundry or take my girls for their haircut that they have been begging me for. I feel so worthless right now. I know this will pass and I will have a good day again, but I have to take another injection today which means I will still feel like shit, I will still be bitchy and i will still not able to see the brighter side. I am done feeling sorry for myself for now, I just needed to get it out so I can move on, do laundry, make cupcakes for my girls Christmas party tomorrow and wrap presents. I just wish Steve was home. I miss him.

The Joy of Losing My Hair

2007-12-19T14:53:00.001-08:00

So much for not losing my hair like I was told. I knew I would and it was an interesting moment. Every morning I would wake up and tug on my hair it would be intact, but Monday morning when I got up, when I tugged it would come out. I had fun with it and went up to my husband and said, "Look what I can do" and tugged a chunk of hair and it came out. He started gagging. I didn't think it was gross or anything, but he did. I got in the shower and watched my pubic hair spill out all over the bottom of the shower and chunks of my head hair wash down my back. Surprising, I did not care until Steve took the shaver out and shaved my head. I shed a few tears but then realized I looked good with no hair. I have a perfectly shaped head and small ears so then I did not mind. I look tough now and for the first time, I can not hide behind my long hair. I have self esteem issues with my weight which I gained 100 pounds with my pregnancy and I honestly thought losing the one thing the defined me would send me over the edge,but it has actually made me stronger. I flaunt my bald head everywhere and get stares left and right, but I just say, "I have cancer, I am not pulling a Britney Spears and then they apologize and we move on" I am losing my eyebrows now, so I am sure I will get less stares unless I draw my expressions in. I think losing my hair is a good thing for me because it is helping realize that I have other beautiful features.

I had chemo on Tuesday again and my white blood cell count is 0, but I feel great, which is strange to me. I have to give my self injections in my belly everyday to up it to 1 so I can do my week treatment next week. I get my blood taken on Friday and if it is not up to 1 they want to hospitalize me which I find crazy. Why don't they just postpone till the following week? I don't want to send my kids off to my neighbors or send them early to their grandma's and miss Christmas with them. I am thier only parent right now and I want to draw the line, but the doctors are not listening. It is hard for me to put myself first when my kids are involved and their dad is gone. I am keeping postive that my counts are going to go up. They were at 8 last week, it is hard to believe they dropped that fast.

Today I woke up with blurred double vision which was interesting. I called my nurse and she said it was from the steriods. My vision cleared up by the afternoon, but it was annoying. The double vision just lasted about 30 minutes then it was like I could not focus on anything. I am a vegetarian and this chemo has me craving meat like crazy. I broke down tonight and made some bbq chicken. I ate a little and it was GOOD! My 2 year vegetarian life may be over for a while. I want a roast and some ribs. MMMMMMM! I read some other stories and people do tend to crave meat, so it is not just me. I will still eat my veg diet and eat meat once or twice or three times a week. :)

That is all so far this week. I am feeling great so far, no mouth sores, my rash is finally clearing up, more awake, but that will change next week when my chemo starts all over again. :(

Memories can save you

2007-12-16T05:40:00.000-08:00

The past week without chemo has been much better than the week during treatment. I am battling a chest cold that I believe if I did not have, I would feel even more like my old self. Fatigue has been the number the one thing that I have dealt with along with indigestion. I do have a rash that is ugly and sores in my mouth that are still tolerable. I cut my hair off a couple of days ago to lessen the blow of being bald. Everyday more of my hair comes out whether it is from my head or other parts of my body.

One thing cancer has shown me is who is really there for you when you need them. Who goes that extra step just to make sure that you are alright. Friends whom I believed would of been there are not and those that I would not expect have gone that extra mile that I will never forget. One evening I was down and feeling sorry for myself I called a friend and even though she was swamped with work, stressed over no sleep, etc. she put her shit down and focused on me. She brought my spirits back up where they need to be and I need that from time to time. I have another friend whom i thought would walk through fire for me and when I called her she told me she had to call me back because she was with her new boyfriend. During this past month she has acted like I am well and it bothers me. I know people deal with news differently, but I draw my line at a month with few contacts.

My mom lost her dad to cancer last year and right now her mom is in hospice and she has to deal with me. I can't say she is the best supporter for me, but I do believe she is doing the best she can. I am appalled that no on in my family as sent me a card, email or a phone call except for my mom and one of my aunts. I think my distance is what makes people deal with my cancer better becasue if they don't see me and the way I look, then I am fine in their eyes. I just want focus on my two girls right now. They are the ones who have to deal with me being how I am and their dad leaving tomorrow until who knows when for the army. My girls are the strong ones in this, they are the ones who have to deal with sadness on both ends and do not really have anyone to turn to. My girls are my heros through this and my strength. If they can get up everyday and face what they have to, then I can too.

I have noticed that during my times of being comatose (which is alot now), I have memories that come out of nowhere. I grew up wealthy before the floor was taken out from under my dad for reasons that I am not going to go into. We had a houseboat that we would go to every weekend and during this time, my brother, Shannon would be nice to me. He is 4 years older than me and we never got along outside this houseboat. At night, he would take me out on his blow up boat and we would float in our cove and watch the stars and talk. I was only like 7 then, but this memory keeps coming back to me. The floating sensation and how happy I was to be hanging with Shannon. It is a soothing memory for me.

My husband bought me a beautiful leather bound journal for my journey, but I will update my blog when exciting things happen or for that first experience of going out in public bald. I still don't know if I can do it, but I don't want to where a wig. I have cancer and I want to embrace it and show that you are still a human being and there is nothing to be ashamed of.

First week of Chemo done!!!!!!

2007-12-07T15:53:00.000-08:00

Today was great. Had more snow and the girls had another snow day, but the roads were better than Wednesday. At the hospital I sat next to the window which is away from people and it was so boring! I noticed my psychological problems acted more today too with no one to keep my mind of things. I felt great till the last half hour which I think is normal for me. Then, I start to cloud up and feel overwhelmenly tired.

Tonight I just feel bloated and icky. My kids are not helping any because they keep fighting and I keep telling them to chill and they are just all over each other. I guess my husband has set up a party tomorrow night which should be exciting to me since I will probably just be a bump on the couch, but it will be nice to see people so I will not look down on it.

My eyelashes began falling out this morning and now my eyes are constantly watering and burning. My nose hairs are falling out too which is making snot just drain from my face. Great visual, huh. If you read this and are healthy, appreciate it, because this is crap that I thought I could handle, but I can tell when more of my hair falls out or if I do become sicker, it is going to be a difficult process to deal with. Especially with Steve leaving back to Iraq this week.

Chemo day 3

2007-12-07T15:52:00.000-08:00

Today has begun on a bumpy road to say the least. Have you ever felt that “unknown” feeling but could not quite put your finger on it? Times that by 1000 and that is how I felt this morning. Last night I could not sleep and as soon as I did fall asleep, my dogs started barking at nothing and woke me up. I could not sleep after that. This morning I could not keep my balance, I felt like shit and I just wanted to crawl in a hole and skip today’s treatment. Positive note, it snowed A LOT this morning and our 4 acres of woods looked beautiful.
Driving in this morning was exciting. Our roads were not even cleared and my husband drove in first gear for the hour or so. The closer we got to Columbus, the better the roads, so luckily we did not wreck. I just felt strange this morning. Was not nauseated or had any pain but I was so light headed and I felt floaty and emotional. I was just crying and crying. I was not me. I sat in my chair and just bawled like a baby and could not figure out why. The RN for my doctor came down and took me into a room for me to let all this emotion out and talk. My husband does not like to talk about the big C word so I have to keep my emotions bottled at the house. I don’t think he means anything negative about it, but I know it has to be hard seeing someone you love deteriorate right in front of their eyes. But I would take this illness before my kids or my husband because I know I am strong and can do it…minus a few emotional breakdowns.
Anyways, once I was back in the room with the RN she wanted me to speak my mind and I did and I felt so much better afterwards. I am angry that I am sick and on restrictions for everything that I love. I can’t hike, play in the snow, bake cookies without feeling like I am going to sleep, etc. Boy do I want to go sledding, but with this PIK in, that would not be a smart thing to do. I am angry that my husband is going back to Iraq next week and his unit is not allowing him to stay home. That is huge for me because now that I know what I am up against, I know I need help and I am not going to have any after this week. I just don’t understand why the army, who use to say family first, is now putting family last. It sucks. I don’t want him to go and would be poor and homeless just to have him be my support through this. The RN offered a home nurse, but that is not the same as my baby boy. He even offered to his unit to stay after their unit comes home just so he doesn’t have to leave me. People tell me that I will not be given more than I can handle, but this is ridiculous and I feel that I am not being given a break. I think that once Steve is home for good till I get better, if that happens, I will feel much more positive. Just talking about it to the RN helped my psychological state out tremdensley.
My girls had a snow day today and are up in the art room here making ceiling tiles for this cancer room. I think that is cool that my girls mark will be here as long as the building is and it just opened. I feel much better and have one hour left before going home. I guess they are taking me off steroids to see if it helps my mood swings and sleeplessness any. Have to pee again. You are filled with so much fluid, you pee every 15 minutes. It is worse than pregnancy. Another thing I notice here is that I am the youngest. I have seen two women that looked my age, but chemo makes you age, I look 10 years older than I did last week, so who knows. I am strong and can handle this. BRING IT ON!!!!
Last night went well or better than the night before. I fell asleep on the couch and woke up at 5am then fell back to sleep and woke up at 7am. I felt nauseated this morning and took the pill which made me feel better, but then I had to take a steroid pill that made me feel sick again. Anyways, when we drove up last night, there was 7 inches of snow on the ground and it looked beautiful! I am taking all this beauty and soaking it in.

Chemo day 4

2007-12-07T15:50:00.000-08:00

Spoke some earlier of my morning of twisted tummy trouble so I won’t go on anymore about that. Tomorrow is my last day of constant chemo for 2 weeks, which is too exciting. More of my hair is falling out, along with my bloating and skin coloring I am sexy. They actually make shirts that says chemobrain that I have to get because I have it BAD!
I met a woman today who is my age and has cancer all over her. She had both her breasts removed along with her ovaries. She is on her third dose of chemo in so many years and is now on a breathing machine. She is so funny and has such a great personality that her fighting spirit gives me inspiration. She is shopping now on the little internet computer they have at each cubical. Telling me her story and what she has gone through with surgeries, healing, more surgeries, more chemo… I will suck up and drive on with my issues. It is a real experience that have been shown to me. I met two other older people today who have been battling cancer for years and are beating it. They, too, have great personalities and just felt horrible that I have to go through this at such a young age. I am just thankful that it was caught early and have a big chance at surviving it will no chance of recurrence.
We had some humor today. It is nice getting those sarcastic people like me in here to make the time go by quicker. One of the patients told the nurses that they pump us up with fluid on purpose to watch all of us migrate to the bathroom with our eyes bugging out. Then they started talking like a golf announcer while people were going to the bathroom. It was funny, but I guess you have to be here.
I have 25 minutes left then I am out. I started feeling better again about an hour ago. I think my mornings are just going to suck and I am going to have to work through that. I found out that Steve is going back to Iraq on Thursday and I have to deal with that. I am just shocked that the Army will not let him stay with me during treatments. I also found out that there is not a closer hospital that has room to take me so I am stuck driving the 2 hours to Columbus which is icky. I can probably drive here fine, but driving home is where I am going to be nervous. About an hour from here my eyes fog up briefly and I can not see. I do not feel comfortable driving if my eyes are doing that. I don’t know what I am going to do being alone and have to deal with all this, but it will work out somehow and I will move on.

Day 2 Chemotherapy

2007-12-04T15:51:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning feeling great. I was rested and went right in to my yogo routine. I had a positive outlook that if I felt this good in the morning, I will take a crappy night now and again. Today I am getting a pik line in. This is a permanent IV that is slide through the vein so I won’t get stuck anymore. Then I get another 4 hours of Chemo! Yea me!
I know you want read about my pik line experience so I won’t keep that from you. It was not bad at all. The thought of having a foreign object in me was a little creepy, but the nurse that did it was awesome and I did not feel anything. Not even the shot. Yes, you get numbing shots then I did not watch the rest, but the procedure lasts about 30 minutes and they take an x-ray to make sure that line is not going into the heart and you are done. Since I had time on my hands, I went ahead and had a living will made and power of attorney, which I think is good to do at any age.
Today at chemo was better. I am getting my third type of med today called Bleomycin which they did a test on my arm to check for allergies and it stung like a bee sting. I have not been in that much pain since birth. Well maybe sooner than that, but who knows, I do have a pretty high pain tolerance which I thank the pit bull for that almost took my life back in 1999. Anywho, that nausa med snuck up on me again and made me dizzy, but did not last long. All other meds so far are fine. I have the icky med going in me right now and I have not had the reaction that I had yesterday, so I am thankful to that. I just sit in this chair for 4 hours and stare at people. They do not even have tv's in here. It is sooooo boring!!!! I am still enjoying my energy and waiting for it to go away. Getting chemo all this week, I am sure by Saturday I will be wiped out. I have that new med going in, in about a half hour or so, so let’s see what effects I have from that. J I hate being a hypochondriac, but maybe in the long run it is good.
Just after one day I am already LOSING MY HAIR! And I am bloated in the face from the steroids, so I look weird, but actually I don’t care as much as I thought I would. I am fighting for my life right now for my kids so I don’t care what people think.
Home now and feeling fine. I made dinner and have the energy to post tonight. I hope I have more nights like this and less of the bad ones. We are getting our first snow storm of the season tonight, which I find exciting. I just hope that I can make it to my appointment tomorrow. If anything happens then I will post about it tomorrow.

Day 1 Chemotherapy

2007-12-04T15:49:00.000-08:00

I began walking into this large open room with hundreds of chairs in individual cubby holes with IV stands sitting next to them. I sat down and my nurse named Ivy came over to introduce herself and begin her speech on what drugs I am getting and how long they will be administered. Then she looked for veins for my IV and of course could not find any b/c it is so freaking cold here and I just came in from the chill. Finally she found a vein on the side of my arm and put the needle in and began two different nausa meds. One is Ondansetron and the other is Dexamethasone Sodium Phosphate. The Dex one makes you dizzy every once in a while and you can’t focus on anything. It freaked me out, but it passed after a minute or so. 30 minutes later the Cisplatin was administered and it takes two hours. I am a hypochondriac at heart so I was thinking the worse when this began in my arm because my nerves were so high, I was having chest pains and panic attacks, but actually this med was nice to me. It makes you pee because it will damage kidneys if you don’t pee a lot. I drank lots of water and juice on top of the fluids just to flush my system. I had kidney pain while I peed, but as the night went on, the pain subsided. The last one hour med they gave me was Etoposide. This med sucks. It drains you while you are sitting in the chair. I don’t know what happened, but I was sitting watching a movie on my laptop and I got sweaty and my heart began racing and I just felt like I was going to pass out. Ivy came and told me it was my nerves and she turned it off for a while until my heart rate fell. When she turned it back on, I was fine. I still think I don’t like it much.
Driving home, I felt like I was in a different world. I could think straight and I just felt out of it. My husband ended up getting lost and my concentrating on where to go for him actually helped me snap out of it. Once home, I cooked dinner fine and then it just hit me. I was so tired and was comatose on the couch. I went to brush my teeth and lay down and then I felt like I was going to be sick so I jumped back up and ran to the bathroom. I didn’t, but I began aching and my pelvic region just throbbed. I cried, not for any particular reason, but I felt this was day 1 and I can feel myself crumbling, I can’t imagine what the next 2 months are going to be like. I will keep a positive attitude the best I can and will deal with this and take it as a learning experience if I am cured after ward.

Road life takes you can change in 3 seconds

2007-12-02T07:08:00.000-08:00

November 13th of 2007, I was told that my left ovary had to be taken out because of a possible ectopic pregnancy. I was so scared going to the surgery center by myself and sitting in this huge dark room where everyone had someone with them but me. (My husband was in Iraq at the time waiting to fly home, but my surgery was bumped up a week do to complications.) 2pm, the nurses began inserting meds in me as I lay naked on the surgery table with nothing on but this hideous gown and I was asleep.

I woke at 5:30pm with this feeling of being strangled and all I could hear was the doctor telling me to breathe. She began telling me while I was still dilarious as to where I am that the ovary had to be taken out by C-section and there was not a baby in it but a grapefruit size mass that resembled cottage cheese. She said there was nothing to worry about, that more than likely it was benign and I would be fine.

11am on November 14th, another doctor came into my hospital room to explain what was done to me the day before and what was found. In three seconds my life went from hope to despair when she told me I had ovarian cancer. Me? I am 31 years old, a vegetarian and active. I can't have this because I have two small girls and a husband deployed. Needless to say, I hyperventilated for about 5 minutes as this doctor stood next to me starring at me like she was shocked I would act this way. The nurse on duty drugged me with Valium and Percocet so I would chill and not rip the staples from my new incision.

Jumping to today December 2nd, I now know I have a rare Germ Cell Tumor that is usually only found in male testes. Tomorrow I begin an aggressive Chemo treatment where I have to undergo Chemo every day for the first 5 days then once a week for two weeks and then the cycle starts over for 4 cycles. It sucks because I am still in denial and am still wanting this to be a mistake. Cancer does not run in my family anywhere and I have made several life changes through the past 2 years to keep this from happening. My husband is home from Iraq now, but the reserve unit he is with is not allowing him to stay with me through treatments. We are currently fighting this through outside sources so he can be with me, but it does not look promising. I just want to be able to function for my girls and be as well as can be expected through this.